Bipolar and Broken

This is not what I had hoped my first post would be but I can only express what is on my heart and mind at any given time.

Today the person that I thought loved me the most hurt me the deepest he ever has. I felt a deep sense of betrayal. It’s hard to hurt this way and have him act like he did nothing wrong. And I wondered if others had this happen to them.

Mental health is something that has finally begun to be recognized and acknowledged as a serious health concern. I am bipolar and not ashamed to admit it. Unfortunately we get a really bad reputation because the only bipolar people most hear about are the extreme ones that do extreme things and make the news. There are however millions of us struggling through normal everyday lives doing the best we can for ourselves and those we love everyday. Myself and my partner are two of them and their is a certain level of trust and understanding we put in to our relationship for it to work. Today that was definitely damaged.

We went for a consultation with a new doctor because we are both considering having weight loss surgery due to various medical conditions. We were told by a female friend that went through the process that after surgery while your readjusting your hormones can go a bit crazy. I’m am positive this frightened my partner. Not only am I bipolar but when I do get PMS I can be very cranky. I also have various other medical conditions that cause me a lot of pain at times. When several of these hit all at once I can be very cranky. And yes I said cranky not volatile, not violet, not mean or nasty, just very uncomfortable and cranky. I am human and not perfect but my partner also being bipolar and having multiple medical conditions as well I thought was understanding about all of it.

Today, as we were discussing things with the doctor she had to step out to grab some files at which time he said to me that he wanted to discuss my PMDD with the doctor and I replied that I don’t nor have I ever had PMDD. The doctor returned and asked if we were ok and I said that he was being a jerk because he was. He then went on a rant about me and my period and how extreme it can be and how we were told about hormone issues etc. He kept looking at me almost cringing like I’m some kind of monster. I finally had to ask when was the last time this extreme behavior had happened and he couldn’t name an incident. Now I revealed that there was no way I had an incident like that in the last year because I had not had a period in about that long. My period has always been very irregular so this is not shocking to me nor was it shocking news to him. I suspect that when I lose weight it will return. And it’s fine if it doesn’t. I was feeling very hurt and angry at his rant and questions for the doctor about it. I felt very accused of behavior that I have not ever exhibited. I was extremely embarrassed.

When we got home I went to the bedroom for a nap and stayed there the rest of the night. He eventually came in but acted like nothing had happened. I was glad because I am not ready to talk about it. I am afraid that if and when I do I will say what I’m thinking which may hurt his feelings. It would not be my intent but could happen because my response to today is that he is also bipolar and not always a picnic to live with either. He has times that I would label “male PMS” and is extremely cranky and moody but because I love him I just try to support him through. I thought we willingly did that for each other. I would never go on a rant about him to a doctor related to a sensitive subjects like issues dealing with a mental health or male/sexual issues. I would never embarrass him like that. Especially if it wasn’t true.

I am so hurt and angry that it has made me question everything. We have been together for 11 years and been married for 4 years. We have been planning our honeymoon that we never got to have and are supposed to leave in 10 days. Now, I’m sad and don’t know if I even want to go or if we should even stay married. We have had ups and downs as any couple has but otherwise we are a strong couple and things have been good recently. I’m not sure why he acted as he did. At the very least I would have addressed his concerns with me first at home. And I wouldn’t have acted like my partner is a crazy and extreme person at any time. I would have addressed it calmly and expressed my concerns in a way that wouldn’t have embarrassed and alienated my partner.

My father passed away about 20 years ago and he was the only example I ever had of what unconditional love is. I try to show my partner that same kind of unconditional love. All I ask in return is that he try to show me the same. Today I didn’t feel loved or wanted. I’m sad, embarrassed, ashamed of his behavior, and just deeply hurt.

Anyone with thoughts or advice is welcome to comment.

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