Being with you and thinking about him

Leading a double life is not the fantasy that is shown in movies or love novels, it's hard work and very exhausting. I had always been curious what it would be like to have my partner and another man on the side... now that I've experienced it, I would never do it again. I've lost more than I bargained for, and more than I initially wanted to. I will start from the beginning, but it's a long story and I don't know if there are details I should disclose. For the integrity of the ones involved, I will be using fictional names, but the events in this confession are real.

I was in a relationship with Fredric for about 2 plus years, as all relationships do, we went through a lot of ups and downs, but I was still as in love with him as the day we met. Frederic and I met at our travel jobs, which was the place I discovered that I was a hot commodity and was a desirable female, prior to that, I had no idea of how beautiful I really was. I know it sounds conceited, but it was my truth at the time, I only knew myself from what I could see in the mirror. So, the story as to how Fredric and I met was this; I had just started training, Fredric was already on the floor working (mind you, we worked in a call center), so there wouldn't have been a moment where we would have met unless I was actually looking, but I wasn't looking for anyone, I was there just to get my money and get out. Anyhow, while I was in training, we were all asked to connect with certain extensions to practice our phone etiquette; I was put on the phone with Fredric, which was the first place I found the man of my dreams without even having seen him. Moving forward to the days revolving around election time, the employees (new and existing) were able to leave early to vote, so both hiring groups were put in the same room since there weren't that many employees left in both groups... when Fredric walked into my training room, I was blown away. I learned later on that day that this was the man I had been talking to on the phone, I felt as if my heart had found its other half. I know what you're thinking, where does the point of the story come in... I'm getting there, I promise. Moving on, Fredric walked up to where I was sitting, sat next to me, and said in his deep sultry voice "Hi, my name is Fredric, I've been waiting for the moment where I can talk to you in person. I've seen you walking around, and I just had to know who this sexy short woman was that kept stealing my attention". As soon as he said this, I was deep in love with this man, I felt I was in a glass box looking out into the world, seeing everyone else walking past, but I was in this box of lust that I could not get myself out of. I had never experienced the next thing that I am able to tell you about; two men desiring me at the same time, in the same place. In the days to follow, I mentioned to one of my trainers that one of the sections in the office was empty, I was curious who sat there, or if that would have been our section when we were ready, so the trainer asked me to show him what I was talking about, he explained this was for the afternoon shift. The few minutes I was standing there listening to this man explain who this area was for, another man walked into this section that automatically stole my attention. He was a completely different type of man than Fredric, this man seemed like an alpha male, he seemed like a man that would change my life for the worse; his name was Andre. Andre was a dominant figure in this space, it seemed there were plenty of women that fell at his feet, at least this was the impression that I got in the seconds my eyes locked with his. Andre then introduced himself and I melted like butter. Now, one thing I'm good at is leaving my mark with a hug, so I hugged Andre and our hearts connected. For that slight moment, I forgot about Fredric, I forgot that I was smitten over this man, I forgot that my heart had already made up its mind. Andre had already wrecked my life; I just didn't know it yet. In the few days after our introduction, I was having an office affair that happened so quickly, I didn’t have time to think of the consequences or the people I was hurting along the way. I was risking not only losing my job, getting caught at work, or Fredric finding out about what I was doing; I was in such a loose-ended web of deceit, I was ignoring the signs ahead. I carried on this love triangle for so long, without any repercussions, that I didn't think there were any issues with what I was doing. I was a single girl, exploring my options, discovering the world from a different perspective... living on the edge for once, perhaps on the wrong part of the edge. So, I continued my rendezvous with Andre, until Fredric finally asked me out for drinks, so I started weighing out my options, seeing which of the two would be a better match, both being different and special in their own ways. Andre was the dominant male that took charge and made me feel like I was on top of the world, Frederic was more serene, peaceful, soulful, a hopeless romantic as myself, but I felt as if I would've still been missing something... therefore, I just kept this love triangle going. Then, I hit a wall with Andre, an unexpected obstacle that I wasn't quite comfortable with, another woman. He was being persuaded by another woman that he had previously been having a fling with; this woman seemed a bit toxic in my opinion in the sense that she wanted Andre there with her, but didn't want anything serious, and on my end, I desired something serious so badly, but I wasn't sure if I could find that with Andre. So, the night came around when Frederic and I were going out for drinks, I didn't feel I had the need of telling Andre, considering we were not exclusive and he had just finished telling me about this other woman, so I went out. I had a great time with Frederic, he showed me the fun side of him that I wasn't able to see at work, we bonded on a more intimate level that I hadn't experienced in a long time... definitely, nothing compared to Andre; Andre and I were more physically bonded than emotionally. We were at the bar that was located across the street from the job, having a great conversation, not even noticing how quickly the time had passed, at the end of the night we headed our separate ways. So, I left with the thought of 'what would it be like dating Frederic, considering I am not having any romantic feelings for Andre, and it seems that he is somewhat emotionally drawn to this woman. Would he ever be emotionally ready for me?', this thought lingering in the back of my mind, I slept on it. As the days passed, working alongside both of these men, I started noticing different traits that I liked in one more than the other; Frederic was more caring and would be more interested in getting to know me, and Andre was more interested as to when would be our next sex session in the parking lot. This is when the drama started in the office, not even between the two men, but through the speculators, the office rumors started where people wanted to know what I was up to, and how was it that all of a sudden, the rest of the men in the office were flocking my way. Perhaps it was the sudden drift in attention, from the other women to just me, but I'm not going to lie, it felt good... just knowing that I was the center of attention, leading a life of secrecy. So, I had to make a decision as to who I was going to cut off and who I was going to keep; since when did I have so many options? I was torn between my flesh's and my heart's desires; my heart needed that sweet, tender, nurturing love from Fredric but my body lusted after that rugged, passionate, rough energy that I was getting from Andre... I just couldn't come to a decision, until something happened that changed my life once again... both men confessed that they had grown feelings for me and wanted to know if I wanted to be with them, I was in such a predicament that I just couldn't handle. I made up my mind, I went with my heart and said yes to Frederic, knowing that long term this would have been the better option, and I'm glad I did. But the issues then came, since I never sat down and told Andre as to what decision I had made, he started questioning as to why my demeanor changed, why I wasn't giving him the same amount of attention, why I felt so cold being around him... I made up the excuse that I wasn't comfortable with him being friends with this girl and felt that he wasn't ready to be with me. He did notice how I was talking more to Frederic; I was closer and more affectionate, attentive, Andre obviously didn't like it, he never faced me and never asked what was really going on. I eventually told Andre that I simply couldn't carry on with this affair I had going on with him, I had to walk away, I left him heartbroken; I didn't imagine that he would take it so hard, but I knew at that point that I had once again made the right decision. Going forward a few months, our job had a social event that we were invited to, for which I couldn't make it, but both Frederic and Andre attended; Andre had offered to give Frederic a ride... imagine my fear. From what I heard, neither of the two had an idea of what was going on with the other, neither one asked the other any questions, but due to neither of them having a clue, they were both under the impression that they were both single, based on what they knew about each other. The event took place at the Mondrian in LA, they were both having drinks at the bar, talking about the girls that were there (as two single men do), when I heard that Andre had dared Frederic to hit upon one of the women sitting across from them. Fredric and I had made an agreement that in the efforts of keeping our relationship private for professional purposes, we wouldn't discuss our private affairs with anyone, and that's just what we did; so, Fredric went for the dare. According to Fredric, he walked past this woman, didn't address her directly but had caught her attention, this was after Andre had tried to make a pass on the same woman and was shut down; the woman was drawn to Fredric, she started talking to him when she grabbed his phone and entered her number. The story continues that Andre and Fredric left the hotel at the end of the event, talking about what had happened, when Andre {being spiteful} asked Fredric to message the girl from the bar to see if she would respond; Fredric felt pressured, so he messaged the girl "Hey this is the guy from the bar" when the woman responded saying "maybe we should get together" and that was it. Now, I don't know if it was simply to share the story with me about the event or if Andre had caught on to Fredric and I's relationship, but Andre came to work the following workday and told me all about it. So when I found out that Fredric had exchanged numbers with this woman, I was livid, I told him off for the fact that I hadn't heard of this from him directly, Fredric had said "if you would've given me the opportunity, I would've told you myself", but then he said "wait, how did you find out if you didn’t even go?, so I explained that Andre had told me about it. It didn't go well, considering Fredric had a feeling that Andre was trying to pursue me, but didn't know as to the extent of our relationship. Moving on, Fredric and I had been together for two-plus years, for which we were very much in love, we had one of the best connections that I could've ever imagined, but for one reason (different work schedules, family life, bad timing) or another, we drifted apart. The part of this story that I had left out was the fact that I had continued a platonic relationship with Andre throughout the duration of my relationship with Fredric, knowing that he didn't like me talking to Andre, but I never said anything in the effort of having a peaceful relationship with Fredric. Fredric was the one that I would go everywhere with, spend the majority of my time with, but Andre was that "friend" that would give that little bit of "extra attention" that I was missing if you catch my drift. Thus far, I have only confessed this with Andre, but have not been comfortable in telling Fredric, although we are no longer together.

I almost was so comfortable in this triangle, that I would often forget which was which, and would almost call them by the other's name, I am glad it ended when it did, I couldn't carry that burden on my soul any longer, I realized that I had tarnished my reputation of being a loyal and devoted partner in the process. If either of these men ever read this and figures out who I am talking about (even with the name change), I want to apologize for leading you on, for being selfish throughout the process. I have come to a moment in my life where curiosity consumed my better judgment, but I can promise that I have come out a better person from this experience and have learned from my mistakes. I am now dating, opening my horizons to bigger, better things, I am happy with my choices. I hope this becomes a good read for those who come across it, and I will continue to share my stories with my readers.