Behind Closed Doors

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one quite understands the way in which the secrets, realities, lies, fantasies, arguments, betrayal, confusion, guilt, happiness, and the mundane all gather and dance together there. Even those who exist within them don't always understand what the hell is going on. If walls could talk, mine would be communicating in a an indecipherable language - even to me.

Life in general throws changes and curve balls at you constantly. The only thing that you can really count on is that which you cannot control. The feigning of life through mediums like social platforms, hopeful connections, and something "different" that knocks occasionally throughout your life on the doors to your heart and soul don't stop knocking. Depending on where you are, internally truly creates the actions you decide to take a that time; the decision to let something into your world.

Nothing is perfect. Although, there are times when things feel perfect. You dance together in these moments and other times you dance apart, still dancing and dancing until the music finally stops. Then, and only then, in the silence that rings so loudly that you can't avoid it anymore do you stop, because you are forced to, and see things how they really are. Sometimes you take others, unfairly into your secrets, your inner-most thoughts, your "feelings", your truths, to have them validated because you have been dancing so long that you just need a break. So, you find someone or something who will give that to you, if not just for a moment in time. Most often, you don't realize that you are letting go of yourself too easily and grasping onto something that you know far less just to sit down and feel something besides the constant that life is.

I often wonder if other people, people with less time on their hands, people who think less, people who aren't as intelligent or are more so than myself, have these kinds of problems. Do they search as well? I dive so deep sometimes that I can't find my way back up to the surface and for a while, it feels nice to be drowning in something else. However, if you stay down too long, you won't be able to ever find your way back up and even if you do, you have changed things. Your dive into the abyss of difference, hope, connection, loss, or whatever your little vacation provided you at the time has had a butterfly effect on everyone you were connected to before, everyone you touched in some way during, and especially on yourself. That "difference" you were searching for has been found, and there's no longer a reason for you to stay under the water.

So, you wake up one day and you climb out, and soaking wet with the dress of the recent past clinging to you wet, cold, and uncomfortable, try to find your way back to something you once knew that felt warm and safe.

"Why?" you might be wondering, would you leave and take that dive in the first place? Well, there are many reasons that people search for something and many reasons why they get surprised by the results in that which they find. For me, I think it's best not to divulge the exact reason, because I am not sure I fully understand it myself. Sometimes things just take on a life of their own. Sometimes you are better off for it; often times you are not.

I have found that more often than not, trying to understand the human condition, especially now-a-days is undeniably the most difficult undertaking in the world. There is truly no point in trying to understand things that aren't meant for you to. However, part of the human condition is curiosity. While, curiosity intrigues, the truth can kill. I am not perfect; oh, not by any means. I confuse myself more than the average bear, I can attest to that. When I am at my happiest, this is when I always try to shake things up. This means there is something wrong with me, I think. However, maybe there is no right or wrong, there is just experience and knowledge. Life is like purgatory, where good and bad exist simultaneously. However, we humans try to find our personal heaven here, as often as we can, even if that mean trying to defy the natural laws that existed here long before we can along.

It's comical and tragic how we look and look for things to distract us, fill us, create one of those peak experiences in life that everyone yearns for in different ways. Why are we so uncomfortable just living? Perhaps it's just me, however, data regarding humans in general tend to show that I'm not the only one with secrets, hopes, confusion, and all the things that dance along with me and away from me as I keep going.

So, I return, again. I see the door is still there and I am still wet from my dive; my near death experience of self, in which I killed off parts of others by just being too close to them during my dive. With the dress of the recent past still clinging to me, I place my fingers around the handle of the familiar door that is attached to that which I call "home" and open it slowly. Everyone is the same; yet, everyone is different.

Perhaps I'll try harder to stay away from the vast, boundless ocean, when it calls me. Or...perhaps next time, I'll wear a wetsuit.