Because Of You...

Hey Mom,

So, I have to confess, you were right all along; about everything. I'm sorry for never listening, I really should have known. So many times you were exactly right, and sometimes I actually did realize it at the time, but I still didn't listen. I guess I never did grow out of being a know-it-all. The big one though, was when you begged me not to marry him. I knew damn well you were right, but I was so sure that I could "fix him" and that he just needed "the right woman" and more so, that I was that right woman. And I let pride get in the way and was too embarrassed to call it off.

Here we are 8 years later, almost to the day, and I want to know that I figured it out. I'm not stuck in the never-ending cycle, and it didn't take me 17 years to figure it out - I wish you had been here to see me break those "Chains". Another confession? I owe getting out and getting away to you. You may have been gone, but everything you taught me, everything I silently witnessed you going through when I was little - you did your job well Mom, I learned from every bit of it. Even when I was terrified, I remembered the spine you grew (thanks Mom V) and I knew that for my sake, and for your granddaughter's, I needed to grow one too. And I did, but man, it was hard. I don't think I ever truly understood what you went through - until I went through it too. Every night I say a little prayer that what I did was enough and the cycle ends with me, and my daughter will never have to go through it herself. Judging by her personality, I think we're good there, but a little prayer never hurts.

Speaking of my daughter, that reminds me of the best thing you were ever right about. Remember when you said you couldn't wait for me to have a daughter of my own, and how you hoped she'd be just like me? Well, I bet you're having a great laugh now - because you were right, again. I have, and she is. And I couldn't be happier with my little best friend.

Oh my goodness, would you ever love her! She's a little spitfire with a heart of gold and a sweetness that puts both of us to shame. She's the best of me, and of you. She reminds me as much of you as she does me. I guess that's because you and I always were so much alike - according to Dad, that's why we fought so much. I work every day to try to not do that with your grand daughter, but trust me, some days it's a struggle. (I swear I just heard you laugh at that.)

She's got our sass and thankfully, our strength. She'll move mountains one day, and as much as her willfulness makes me crazy now, I wouldn't have it any other way. No one will ever push her around or make her feel "less than". She's a champion for change in all the best ways and she's not even out of elementary school yet - you'd be so proud of her.

So, I think what I'm really trying to say, what the biggest confession of all is, and do I ever wish I had told you when I had the chance - I am so incredibly proud to be your daughter. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, wish you were here, or have to stop myself from being angry that you were taken away from us before you got to know your granddaughter. But, I am so very thankful for the time we had and everything you taught me. And Mom, it was enough. I am okay. Better than okay. Thanks to the person you were, and the person you raised me to be, your granddaughter and I are thriving. Love you, Mom. And couldn't miss you more.

Love,

Your (grown up) Little Girl