Ayo, Joy

Lets start from the very beginning or at least when I can remember. A little introduction would also be nice. Hi! my name is Ayo.And I'm just a regular girl (or so I thought). I go to college where I study Economics. Before you make up any assuption about me just know that I don't like Economics. Nope not one bit. So why are you studying it? you might ask. Lets just say I wanted to understand the art of money making and Business sounded too serious for me. Ok, that should do for now, back to the beginning. It was supposed to be a one time thing but I kept going back. I tried to stop but I could not so I went back. How could I stop? My validation was deeply rooted in our relationship and if we didn't talk in a day, it felt like I was going to lose it. Everything was totally nice between us. Everyday was Febuary the 14th for me even without the flowers.

I met Banji with a mutual friend at a resturant. Grace and I went for lunch at our usually spot. We ordered fried rice and roasted chicken,our regular. Nothing stood out on that particular day, nothing was different. But while existing the building, we opened the door and met Banji. He was on his way into the resturant. O my! He embraced grace even before she could finish her sentence. Good to see you! What are you doing here? Nice to see you! They exchanged pleasantries before Grace introduced me. This is Ayo my friend. Ay, meet Banji. He looked like every other guy I had seen that day. Well dressed and good looking. Nice to meet you Ay. We shook hands and we had to go. We said our goodbyes and that was it. Back to normal.

Later that night, I found myself scrolling through instagram while trying to fall asleep. I stumbled on his account and followed him. He followed me back, almost immediatly. Let me stop right there. See this was where I made the mistake, looking back all I can say is why? Note to self, if you can't fall asleep try not to follow anyone on instagram. Back to the story. Banji and I started talking. Soon, we moved from friendly text messages to phone calls and then, the romantic bug kicked in and we arranged to meet. Our first time meeting was to sit down and talk. We were talking most of the time already but there was something about seeing each other. Maybe I'll be able to tell what he really means when i'm looking at him. We met for coffe. To be honest, I couldn't have cared less about the coffe in front of me. I was more interested in who was sipping right opposite me. Is he who he really clams to be? Phone personality is a thing right? I hope I have not been deceived. I tried not to overthink the whole thing. I was sure he was observing just like I was. When the date was over, he said "so when can we meet again?" At this point, all the boxes had been ticked. He passed. But this wasn't a test it was a date. And just like that we were a thing.

I was wearing a cream dress that was fitted at the top and flowy at the bottom. I spent quite a lot of buck on that dress so it had to look good. My vail was long and followed behind while I walked. Has I glanced at the mirror for my final look, I couldn't help but smile. It was really happening. Everyone was already sitted and the ceremony had started.I approched the hall and could see about everyone. The bridesmaid had on their green slip on dresses and the brightest smiles, the groomsmen worn their black suites and they were all looking sharp. The groom was also on stage, looking brighter than everyone. He was irresistable. It was time for me to walk down the aisle and the pianist was ready to play here comes the bride. The doors opened wide and the pianist started. I was walking down the ailse and my eyes were focused on Banji. "What in the wolrd is that sound" someone echo from amist the crowd. Everyone's eyes shifted from me and foced on the pianist. What is he doing? Thats not here comes the bride, it sounded like my alarm. I reached for my phone and hit the snozee botton. I tried to go back to sleep hoping I could get back and resume the ceremony but all I could see was pitch black. No no no no. It was 5:00 am and I had to get ready for classes.

 After classes, I went to meetup with Banji. We were going out to have Lunch together. We took the bus to the resturant and ordered 2 cups of lemonade when we got there. Great! Our lemonades arrived and I quickly took a sip out of the cup to get refreashed. As the cold liquid traveled down my throat, I siped some more to avoid the cool feeling from leaving; I got more refreshed with every sip. I was halfway done with my lemonade and was finally ready to look through the Menu. As I scanned the menu, I looked up at Banji and he was stiring at his Menu, right infront of him. He had barely touched his drink and I knew something wasn't right. Is there something you want to talk about? I voiced out. Actually, yes he replied. I could hear the tension in his voice. That wasn't the reply I was hoping to get. Everything is fine would have been a better reaponse. But if something's bothering him, it should bother me too right? That's how this relationship thing works, so lets hear it. Ay we can't continue like this. We need to take a break. Yea! I was just telling someone the other day that I'm done. I am so ready for the semester to end. I looked over at him to ask him "is that what's bothering you?" The look he gave me made me melt like the ice cubes inside my lemonade only I wasn't making anyone feel refreshed. Finally, he said the words that made a thousand swords pierce through my heart "we can't see each other anymore." I raced out of the resturant without looking back. As I walked to the nearest bus stop, I finished my Lemonade and tossed the empty cup in the bin. The bus stopped, I got in and sat down. This can't be. Where's that alarm when you need it. I need to wake up from this dream.

Later that night, I decided to go to his apartment. After pacing around my room for the entire day I came to the conclusions that I needed to talk to him. He let me in and didn't say a word. I looked into his eyes before I walked across the room to sit. Can we talk? I said with a low pitched voice. There's nothing to talk about Ay, this relationship isn't working for me and I can't pretend it is any longer. You've been pretending? So I've been living a lie? But I dismised that thought and refused to even ackowlege that he ever said that. He wasn't thinking so he said it in the heat of the moment. What did I do wrong or what didn't I do? It had to be me definitely. Its just what I do, I screw everything up. I dismissed this thought too and tried to act like I had it all together. So what do we do now? I asked and tears rolled down my checks, my effort to hold them in was in vain. It was too late to walk back to my dorm so I spent the night at his place. This wasn't strange to either one of us, it wasn't the first time I slept over at his place; it wasn't the last time either. This kept happening for the next 3 months. I would go over to his place, stay over and sometimes we would sleep together. I didn't want to let him go. Like I said, I couldn't imagine my life without him so I was hanging on to this dead relationship in whatever way I could. I didn't tell anyone, even my friends. They all thought I was better off without him but they didn't understand.They couldn't understand even if they tried. I told myself lots of things to justify my actions and everything seemed right but deep down there was this void I felt. It got bigger by the day but I was so wrapped up in the web I had surrounded myself in to notice the growth.

 Soon enough, Banji started avoiding me. Wow, that still kinda hurts. He was barely around anymore and he had stopped picking my calls altogether. Emmmm..... (coughs) I know this was just a relationship, some might even call it a fling and it shouldn't bother me as much but I had invested so much, so it did. It was the center of my life and everything else depended on it. I mean there was this amazing guy that made me feel good about myself, around him I wasn't just Ayo.I was a better version of me. He said all the right words that made me feel perfect. All my flaws were invisible and I could finally be happy because someone accepted me. When I finally came to terms with the fact that it was over, everything fell apart. I struggled to keep up with school and it was the same with my relationships. My friends became distant. I was a complete wreck.

How would I recover from this? I was so despserate to have my life back; the life I had before Banji showed up. It was a Saturday and I was lying on the floor. The plan was to do laundry but here I was lying on this grey rug in my room reminising on when I had it good. I know now, I took so much for granted and I would do anything to go back to when times were good; before I met Banji. I tried to get up from the floor. I had a lot of Laundry piled up,if I wasn't going to do anything at all, I could at least get some laundry done. Its Saturday, Ayo get up. My attempt to psyc myself up was a fail. I couldn't get up. The tears started streaming out and I didn't try to stop them. I whispered a little prayer under my breath. I need to do laundry, God help me.

 What's the best way to recovery from a breakup? Eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Get a gym membership? Quit school and travel the world? The list goes on but the best way to recover from a breakup is to meet someone new. I know it sounds rediculous but I did meet someone new. He loves me unconditionally and accepted me despite how broken I was. It was a process but I made him the center of my life and no, this isn't a mistake because he's not Banji. Things started to look up a little. I could finally do Laundry without crying out a river but there are days where all I want is to curl up into a ball and do nothing. So, how did we meet? While scrolling through instagram I came across this verse from the Bible Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28). This was where it all started. I discovered that he cares about me. The things that bothered me bothered him too. It was easy to talk to him after I knew this. But there was so much more I discovered as I drew closer to him. Jesus changed my life and gave it a new meaning. Ayo pre Banji or Ayo with Banji is no match for the new Ayo with Jesus. I still have a lot of questions and I struggle sometimes but I know with Jesus by my side, I might stumble but I will not fall. I need him and he is willing just like it is written in Luke 5:13 Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared. If there's anything you're dealing with, try talking to him, he listens.

 A few months had passed and my life had taken a complete U turn. My validation didn't come from my relationships, it shouldn't, It comes from the Lord and who he says I am. I was wearing the blue dress I had pressed the night before. I styled my hair and was off for my date. I got to the location, found my sit and sat down. When the sound coming from the stage travelled through the room, I got up, raised my hands and sang along. "Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness that is who you are". It had to have been a miracle for me to be where I am now. I was right where I needed to be in, the presence of the Lord.