"are you happy?"

When was the last time you were truly happy?

…

Happiness, weird concept, right?

Would you be able to answer that question?

Sipping my cold latte in this coffee shop, I thought, is anyone happy? Deep down, I mean.

Yes, I can feel good from time to time, but happy? I don’t believe I know how to be. I’m not sure I am capable of feeling that emotion, actually.

When I share these thoughts with people, I always get the same answers:

“What are you talking about? You’re always smiling, laughing… you are happy. You have a nice family, friends, hobbies. Why wouldn’t you be?”

You’re always smiling and laughing, is that what happiness is? I do smile a lot. I like smiling. I know it makes people like me more. Why? Because they feel more comfortable around me. Because if you smile, it either means that you are at peace with yourself, at least in that moment, or that you want them to think you are. In my case, it’s often the second option.

I’ve been depressed for so long, and that brought me to many conversations about why or how I am this way. Usually, people believe depression is a state of mind that you can easily change. They’ll tell you to do sports, eat healthy, have a good sleep schedule, all these basic shits. I’ve been told that so many times. I’ve tried all that, actually—had nothing to lose, right? What is there to lose when you already lost it all: your spark, your smile, your will to continue. So tell me, if I lost all that, what good would it be to move my lifeless body? What good would it do to eat salads every day when the only thing that crosses my mind is to shoot a bullet through it?

I’m not familiar with the concept of happiness. I don’t know, I don’t know what it feels like. If I haven’t felt happy in years, how do I know what it feels like?

I can’t. I do believe I came a long way from where I started to where I stand now, though.

I don’t believe I am still “depressed,” but I don’t believe I’m happy. It’s weird. I have not a goddamn clue of what I feel. I’ve been shooting myself with pills and pills prescribed by my therapist, and I think that helped in some ways, but it took something away from me. A part of me.

Now I mostly feel numb. And it’s scary in some ways, but comforting in others. The good part about feeling numb is that you are protected from all these negative emotions you used to feel, because you just don’t feel anymore.

You realize you became a whole new person, went from being overwhelmed by the slightest emotions to nothing. You used to be so caring… what happened?

Lying on the bed, redoing the world with philosophical thoughts and dumb jokes, I ask him:

Are you happy?

His smile slowly disappeared, giving place to this wondering gaze.

I was confused, thought I said something wrong, so I questioned him:

What’s wrong?

And he said something that really made me think. He told me that it wasn’t possible to answer that question. Because when you are happy, you don’t consciously tell yourself that you are happy. You don’t even think about it, since you’re so present in the moment, enjoying the time you’re spending. When someone asks, “Are you happy?” you will think about why you should be or why you shouldn’t, and that overthinking will make you realize you’re probably not.

And that made so much sense to me, because I wondered so often when was the last time I was truly happy, and never once could I recall it.