An open conversation about being in love with the idea of love.

When I first met you I thought the world of you. You were so bright and logical! I thought you had the world in the palm of your hand. You knew what you wanted and had no shame in speaking your mind, just like me. When I looked at you, I saw myself. You inspired me to work harder on my passions, embrace my sexuality and look at the parts of me that needed work; A LOT of work! Whilst getting to know you, I realized a lot at this time. I also had a lot to look forward to after work…at the time, at least. I looked up to you as well as falling face-first at even the thought of you. Looking back, this disgusts me! However, those were my feelings at the time. This was truly a wake-up call. I had constant nightmares about you and our friend group at the time. Now I know those were my conscious warning me about the whole situation. But at the time, they were just nightmares; you told me to ignore them because “they will never come true.” and “I’ll always be there for you.” You even said you could prove my subconscious wrong! It’s laughable now, I will never doubt my mind ever again knowing what I know now. But, let’s continue with the story.

We went to an event our friends were pulling together called “Friendsgiving”. You were at the dinner table talking to a friend while I was near a window smoking with another friend. All that I could think at this moment was: “ How did I get so lucky?” I was surrounded by people that I genuinely loved and cared about, I looked at my friend as she was talking about hardships and how she felt like our friend group was like a safe space for her. At the time, I couldn’t agree more. It was truly a group of people where I felt like I was not going to get used to. I glanced over at you, looked back at her, and said “yeah, I agree….” I took another puff than happily coughed up a lung! I was in my element.

Then, a thought popped into my head: “Why am I still so guarded? I’m being ridiculous. He obviously loves me just as much as I love him. So why is my guard still up?” I take a deep breath and let it go. Spiritually, it felt great to let that guard go. Believing that I would always be loved by you, even for a moment, felt nice, to say the least. Even if there would be any hardships, I thought we were going to be together for a long time in this lifetime. I probably jinxed myself thinking that. Anyways, you had work and I was too high to comprehend my next sentence, so we left Friendsgiving early and drove back to my place. That was the last time that you told me that you loved me and the last time I was confident in that thought. I kissed you goodnight then went inside to take a nap.

I woke up later on and you went silent; way too silent. I was worried but I kept thinking to myself “I’m just overthinking again, he probably went home and crashed early or got held up at work.” so I stayed up. Hours and hours went by as I started pacing my apartment halls, occasionally looking at my phone, worried sick. I grew more and more anxious as the hours went by. Finally, after 6 long hours, you responded saying that you were flat-ass wasted and had to wait at work until you were sober enough to drive home. I offered to get you an uber to my place so you could just crash and be safe, especially since I lived so close to work and we had done that previously. However, you said no this time which made the situation even worse. Why would you risk driving drunk when somebody you apparently cared about is offering to take care of you? You acted a lot more uptight this time and I couldn’t figure out why. Not 10 minutes later, you post a worrying story on your Snapchat then ghosted for 24 hours. I had stayed up the entire time freaking out, thinking that you might have crashed your truck and died. You finally woke up much later and said that you weren’t okay and that you “needed a break” because of your deceased grandfather and the third anniversary of your ex-wife’s divorce. This is where you continued to say that she was “your reason for breathing and literally knocked the wind out of you” when you saw that she cheated. You compared me to her. That was the first heartbreak of the situation; that was when you broke the trust between us. I never thought you would need a break from me. If you truly love someone, you wouldn’t even think of needing “a break” from them, you simply work whatever is wrong out together. Let alone comparing me to someone I considered the scum of the earth.

“I freaking knew I shouldn’t have opened up I knew it, I knew it!” I kept telling myself as I’m sobbing into my pillow and threw my phone along with other pillows and other things I could get my hands on. The burning flame that I once danced around like a bonfire in my soul, suddenly turned into a gaping black hole swallowing me whole as I slowly felt every bone, nerve, and brain cell break down into a sad little pile of ash.

That whole week was a complete mess. I couldn’t talk to the one person I considered my twin flame. Looking back I now know that you were a karmic, nothing more. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Once that horrid week had ended, you had messaged me and told me that we could talk like normal. This time, however, was different. You had told me that you never wanted to say “I love you” or say anything caring or sincere again; That’s the moment you broke another piece of my heart by telling me to not express my feeling about you to you. I am the type of person to say what I feel a lot of the time so both me and the person I consider my person can be transparent and honest with each other.

Weeks went by where you slowly disappointed me, chipping away at my heart. I couldn't even celebrate my birthday properly because I felt so muted. The flame in my soul was diminishing. However, I knew that I loved you so much that I would do anything to make you happy. All I wanted to do was fix things to where they once were; that was very ignorant of me. That kind of love just doesn't exist, I now know this and have learned. However, I continued to schedule game nights, days for you to come over before or after work, actual dates, etcetera. On those days we had planned dates, you purposely “overslept” then went to work unapologetically. Half the time you would cancel just to purposely get drunk or high just to avoid me. In those moments, the tornado in my head kept growing, danced in the black hole in my heart. My entire being was in agony because I knew that I was losing you and I couldn't do a single thing about it. So, I held on tighter. I carried your weight and my own over and over again in the name of “love” and hoped to god, or whatever was out there, to one day erase the thought of that ex-wife stealing your spirit; the same spirit I once saw in you the first day that I had laid eyes on you and to fill that spot with love and light. Obviously, I now know that’s impossible. You're a lost cause. But when I say I would do anything for you, I meant it. I meant it with my entire being. I had never been so sure of myself in my life! Even the most mentally and spiritually painful thing I’ve ever done comes next.

We worked together, work was my happy place. It was a place where I could absolutely lose my mind, body, and spirit and still get a decent paycheck from it. I would lose it on stage and happily spin in circles to my favorite songs, whilst my friends and clients watched and cheered me on; even though I wasn't even that good at pole dancing.

“You look like a bobblehead while on stage little Bratt!” I remember you would always tell me. Bratt…that nickname you had given me was where I felt at home. It makes me sick now. However, I only allowed you to call me that. Even now, I sincerely regret that. I used to adore that nickname. I used to cry when you called me by my real name. Anyways, we didn't just work together. You were the new manager of us dancers at my place of work. When I very first met you though, you were just a guard; That’s when you were good to me. Once you became manager, I could no longer recognize you. You thought being silent was peaceful but even now, looking back, I still think it’s braver to talk things out like human beings than holding back and acting like a robot. It’s cowardly as well. If you had just been honest from the get-go, none of this would have happened.

With the knowledge I have a year later, I’m grateful that you did all of this. I’m grateful because now I have grown and I now know not to give my heart out; ever again. So thank you, Anon, truely! I hope you've learned from your mistakes. Also those so-called “friends” were never friends. They were just wanting information because they are where bored. That tore me up even more since I cherished them to my core. They have a special place in the pits of my soul. But you, you will always be a scar on my heart forever, a lesson in my mind, and a piece missing from my soul. Enjoy!

End.