Always Out of Place

How do I even begin? As someone who has grown up with a parent with a severe mental disorder, such as schizophrenia, feeling like an oddball is a common occurrence. I've never really felt like I fit in anywhere until I met one of my best friends.

I was born in California and moved to Iowa when I was 6 years old. It was strange moving to a new state to live with my mother's family, who I hadn't even visited until we moved here, which had begun that feeling of never really fitting in, until I got to know them better, but I always felt pitied rather than accepted. I didn't understand why until a little later in life, when I realized that my mom wasn't normal.

My mother never really spoke to me as a child because she would always be wrapped up in the world inside of her mind, and being an only child until the age of 9 didn't help matters. My mom used to talk about how she was married to Elvis Presley (she’s not) or that she was the daughter of God. I knew that there was something wrong with her saying these things and when I had brought it up one day at school, I got in trouble and was told to never tell anyone about it again. This resulted in me being really quiet around others, or saying things that were deemed awkward, and I found it hard to fit in.

When I started elementary school, I realized that I loved learning. I generally enjoyed going to school everyday, as it was a small escape and a way for me to socialize, but it also made me too smart for others my age. I had managed to make a few friends, but I could never really be myself around them. I was never really allowed to go over to friends' houses or invite my friends over to the house because my mom was really strict and I could only really hang out with family members. By the time middle school came around, my friends had decided that they cared more about their own social image (as most kids do around that age), and I was never "cool" enough to join. Once I was invited to a birthday party, which I was really excited to go to, but because one of the more popular girls thought I was weird and had decided that they wouldn't go to this person's party if I was going, it resulted in me being uninvited.

On top of being socially awkward in most instances, I also was beginning to experience the embarrassing transition into puberty. The instance that stood out to me the most is when I had begun my period for the first time. It was in middle school and I didn’t know that I had started it until it was too late, and it’s been one of the most horrifying experiences of my lifetime. I had gone through the lunch line, gotten some food and sat down with a few of my friends (I had maybe 3 friends at this time) at one end of a long, white table with attached benches, in the middle of the cafeteria. We were talking and at one point, they decided to move down the table to join some of the other kids from our grade. Instead of standing up and moving to the other end of the lunch table like most people would do, I decided that I would scoot all the way down, not realizing the horror I was leaving in my wake. By the time I had realized, there was a long line of bloody butt marks and I knew instantly that they were from me. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment. The teachers were really nice and I went to the nurse, but not before I saw the janitor run a mop all the way down the bench where I had been sitting. I ended up going home that day and didn’t want to go back to school the next day, despite having to.

By the time high school came around, my home life wasn’t anything to be desired. My mom had gotten into serious drug use, which made her more violent. It resulting in me taking care of my little sister, who was nine years younger than me. We were left home alone a lot and I was made to watch my sister, which limited my social life, as well as making me feel like I was older than the rest of the kids my age. On top of my mom bullying me, both verbally and physically, there was a lot I had to deal with while I was in high school. We didn’t have a washer and dryer and my mom hardly ever took us to the laundry mat so we could have clean clothes. This resulted in me going to school wearing dirty clothes and I had found out that the teachers were making comments about my hygiene behind my back. A friend of my grandma’s had worked at the school and had heard what the teachers were saying. She called my grandma and told her that the teachers were saying I smell bad, and my grandma relayed the message to me and my mom. It was one of the worst feelings, knowing I was the weird smelly kid, and if the teachers were saying this about me, I didn’t even want to know what the other students were saying.

Finally, the long struggle of high school was over, graduation came around and I moved out at 18, finally free of my life with my mom. It should have helped with my awkwardness, but it didn't. I moved in with people who didn’t really try to get to know me and who tried to manipulate me and my emotions. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many people I was around, I never felt like I had fit in, but it was there that I met one of my best friends.

When I first met my best friend, I hated him. I knew he was gay and thought he was interested in my boyfriend at the time (who had cheated on me several times with multiple people, including other men). To my surprise, my friend was more interested in talking to me than my boyfriend, and we ended up hitting it off pretty well. I was still quite awkward and quiet, but that didn’t seem to matter to him. I ended up working with my friend so I could save up money for my own place. This didn’t sit well with the people I was living with and they kicked me out, leaving me with no place to go. My friend was kind enough to let me stay with him until I got my own place and, to my surprise, he still came over to my house to hang out with me after I had moved out. During our time working together, he encouraged me to break out of my shell and I gained the ability to talk to people easier and have less awkward moments.

Over time, our friendship grew and we just ended up living together since we were hanging out everyday anyway. It’s been 10 years since then and, through all the ups and downs in life, we became close enough for me to call him my best friend, sometimes seeming to have a strange, almost telepathic bond. There are times when I still feel awkward around most people or like I have to hold myself back or adapt to fit in, but with my best friend, I can be myself. There’s been moments where I’ve tried to shut him out or push him away, but he’s fought through those times to make me talk it out instead. He talks with me about the serious things in life as well as the weird things, like talking about physics and the possibilities of other dimensions or discussing TV shows that we watch. He’s been one of the best things that has happened in my life, being someone who encourages me to just be myself, no matter how weird or difficult I can be.

My best advice that I can give, for anyone who feels awkward or out of place, is to just be yourself. Don't let the world change you. It may be tough now and you may feel like there’s no one who understands, but you’ll find someone, either a family member, friend, or significant other, who will love you for all the little quirks and wouldn’t want you to change a single thing.