Almost

Almost lovers suck but falling for a married man who you didn't even know he was married is the worst. Especially when you work at the same company with this man.

Let me start at the beginning. Met this beautiful man at a shipping company I cannot name, he was a delivery driver as I was a package handler who loaded the delivery trucks. I one day, ended up loading his truck for the week. He brought me coffee every single morning with a big smile. I honestly can't remember how we exchanged numbers but we did. Of course I checked to see if he had a wedding ring on. Which he did not. Weeks go by, I'm back in my original loading trucks area, my area is called the North center and he was a driver for the South center. I noticed he would walk by my trucks and engage in conversation even when walking by my area was the long way, there was definitely a shorter way. Unfortunately, our schedules wouldn't allow us to hangout outside of work. Or so I thought. I worked nights and of course his were days. Yet I would stay up as long as I could and we would talk for hours while he worked. I mean talked about anything to everything. Politics, family issues, work issues. Now of course I asked around work to see if he had a girlfriend or wife, yes I FaceBook stalked him. Nothing came about.

We all know what Snapchat it about. At the time, I did not. Now I do. Even having conversations on the phone, we would have a complete different conversation on snapchat. Ha, I adored his silly selfies with a beer in his hand and a silly 5 o'clock shadow, messy hair. And I'll send back a silly face. This would go on for a few months. Yet we never hung out. What would have been nice was a big animated red flag pop up when something is iffy.

Then, one glorious day, his Facebook changed to him being married to this beautiful women and that they had a son. Now I knew about his kid but he was cautious with the details. I didn't press because he sounded like he was in pain whenever I would bring up the issue and of course we were not dating so I couldn't be upset. I never cared the he had a child. To me, it made him more attractive. Having father issues myself, seeing an attractive man being a great father makes him hotter. When I asked him about his marriage, he said they have been on and off. He thought it didn't matter since we aren't together. I agreed and left it alone as friendly as I could. Boy how stupid was I. We continued to talk. Like nothing happened but the flirting ceased. We were friends. I thought I could handle something so simple as to be just friends. Again, I was stupidly wrong.

I would smile at his naming popping up on my phone, smile at his voice and laughter. I loved hearing about what he and his son would be doing. The corny jokes kept on coming. I declined other advances from men. Realizing I was falling for a man I could never had. Wouldn't want to have him like this.

My father cheated on my mother and I felt like I was the other woman. This man was emotionally cheating on his wife, the mother of his child with me whether he knew it or not. I couldn't be apart of this anymore. I would stalk her facebook, seeing how beautiful she was, she deserved better. I wanted to so bad to send her our messages and tell her the truth. But, what good would that do. In reality, she already knew. So I put on my big girl panties on, and wrote him this long heartfelt letter on snapchat, since I deleted his number. I told him I was falling for him and that we had to stop talking, stop being friends. That I would be civil at work but couldn't be his friend anymore. I told him that his wife deserved better. That I deserved better because I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me 100%. Breaking my own heart, that asshole left me on read. After a few hours, I unfriended him on snapchat, facebook, everything. I broke off all contact. Yet, I still couldn't get him out of my head.

Days turned into weeks turned into a few months. I couldn't form any healthy relationships. I lost friendships. Realizing a year later, I wasn't the same woman I was when I began talking to him. I grew. After going to therapy and going solo for a whole year. I get a notification on Facebook. Mr. Almost sent a friend request. My heart started pounded, I accepted it. I know this was risky but I needed to test myself. Still no contact with him, as we became friends on Instagram, my photography page. He would like my photos. Thinking to myself, I can handle this, I know better now. It still makes me smile when I see his name pop up but not as much as it used too.

Time again goes by, and my dumbass checked his facebook. He made it official. He's single. I called my therapist geeking out. I stopped in mid geeking, said 0ut loud, "why am I excited? I'm not giving myself a chance with this man because what he did to his ex wife with me, he would do the same to me with someone else." I felt proud of that realization. A little sad but proud. Her advice, "even if there was a chance of you two being together, there will always be that doubt. And that doubt will always make you second guess yourself. Creating a unhealthy relationship to begin with. And that is NOT what you deserve." She was right. After second guessing myself my entire life, I can't doing it anymore. Somewhere out there is someone better for me, someone that deserves me. Not an almost. Not a hidden married man. Someone single, someone amazing. Until then, I will continue to love myself the way I deserve to be loved.

I wish you well Mr. Almost.