All the boys who had my heart

For a long time, I wished for love. I was young, (I mean, really young) when I started dating. It wasn't really dating. I liked a boy, we held hands, and likely we went our separate ways because I was too young to get intimate. After a while, girls like me start to look desperate... and vulnerable.

At twelve, one boy made a bet with his sports team that he could get me to second base. He lost the bet, of course, but his friends needn't know that. He walked away with $10 and a pocket full of pride. I was left with embarrassment and judgement.

At thirteen, a boy I had no interest in, told me he loved me. I was naive and thirsty for any attention I could receive. When I decided to cut things off, he told our friends that I cheated on him and broke up with him over text.

At fifteen, I fell for a boy and he fell for me. We started dating in May, spending most of our time falling in love under the trees that were a walk from our houses. He was kind, gentle, and sweet. However, I was not very popular. He ended things between us the day before school started as to not have to admit to himself that he fell in love with a geek.

The same boy later admitted to his friends that he loved me. He dumped me a week later because I wasn't ready to sleep with him.

At sixteen, I felt alone enough that, for whatever reason, felt it was necessary to find love online. He lived an hour away and neither of us drove. I thought he was the one. He knew nothing about how people looked at me back home. He was gentle, kind, and best of all, patient. With him, I felt ready. Eventually, I became too much for him. One day we were in love, the next, I couldn't even find him online. I was ghosted by the first person I ever slept with.

At seventeen, I asked to be set up and met a sweet, quiet young man. A few years older than me, he was mature. With a full-time job and a vehicle of his own, what more could I want? He was humble and gentle. Almost 4 years passed. I was miserable. I couldn't find an issue. He was kind, respectful, and he cared about me. Why am I so unhappy?

Until I read a book about relationships called Attachment. I realized that there was nothing wrong with us, but that we just weren't built for each other. He was someone else's prince and mine was still out there somewhere.

4 years walked out my front door.

For the first time in my life, I was actually alone.

So, I did what I never expected: I enjoyed it.

I had never been so happy. I grew closer with my friends, my family and myself. I went away for the weekend on my own, doing activities I knew no one I cared about would share any interest in, I read A LOT. I discovered a new side of myself that I never knew existed. An independent me.

After a while, I met him. Not by seeking for him, but just by chance. He walked into my life with grace, care, and pure selflessness. He was patient and kind, and he truly, deeply cared about me. Never before had I had a man ask me "text me when you get to work alright" or "did you eat today?". For the first time, I felt like I had been walking around missing a limb and the day I met him, I found it.

Together we learned more about each other and about ourselves. I learned to be a better partner for him. I was able to see the flaws in my past relationships and learn from them. We are stronger together than we ever were apart.

Love has always been a really complicated game. There isn't really a point to this story so I apologize if I wasted your time. But for me, this story reminds me of how much I've grown. I couldn't be happier about the mistakes I made.

-Cam.