Algorithm of Emotions

Algorithm of emotions does not exist. What I mean is, what we feel isn't not the same as following a ruleset to define what we must feel if conditions are met. I ruled the day that I would be overruled. To meet someone like me was to meet someone old and not new. You came at random and I dispute your own catfish, your friends disregarded, the goals you had was not mine to share. So much alike that we are actually different. You hated chocolate while I was indifferent. You saw the world as a need for order. Do things your way because it's better and causes no torture. To imagine that I had a future with someone I had fun with, became open and communicative so nobody can plead the fifth. Finally able to think for myself and to be, or so I thought.

See a lie that’s caught in the act, feel like telling, so they can doubt their choices and cause a relapse. Create a battle to prove yourself right, only to hear those magic words, “you were right”. Seeing poison from the horror of embrace, searching for salvation, as the tears run down your face. A friend in need whom which you called your equal, has expressed the dark requiem of how to use people. Kept in the dark, feel dumb for noticing, Do you continue stepping on egg shells, or leave without ringing your own belly? Communication is key but what mostly came from it was more despair wrapped in surface reassuring words and acts of kindness.

Love bombing and yearning for sense of purpose, we had separate lives but even then you wanted us to put one above our priorities. What's said is what was said but our actions broke mirrors because the writings melted in the mist of the truth. So much growth and laughter to be tested. Together we enjoyed the things that made us such beings. We laughed and played, even had fun exploring the world that made us gay. Supportive as many we talked for hours, about you or about me we became victim to becoming who we think we need for each other rather than ourselves.

Upon recognition my eyes became open, through therapy or friends I thought I was woven. Slowly but surely you were not who I thought, but rather someone who wasn't meant for love, or meant for me. Your strict rules became weapons and statements. Something that didn't bother me until it was my derailment. Your words started to make sense even though it was one sided. My care became the only thing that gave you guidance.

These algorithm of emotions that haunt us so, always changing from foe to foe. Love actually or miss congeniality, you try to figure which love language connects us but fail to think that it's not our reality. We build to see how we are friends and that is the first step, you even became okay with the trauma's and the past, that reconnects. One by one we go down the list, with each love language we practice, the less I feel bliss. Like a robot that works on rules and programs, we became machines where these algorithms of emotions were only routines. Following a plan or set of comfort. The authenticity of beauty drifted away as you fell for the triggers that had me feel betrayed. This was normal for you but isn't normal for me, because now you had broke the bond that made me a we.

We all have wavelengths where things run smooth. Some feelings are natural and some build in casual. The bond we built drifted away, so now I'm here without you, but with you in fear. Hold me tight and fight to stay close, the more trials we went through the more we were engrossed. We showed our interest and practice stating our truths, but in the end you were someone who were desperate for more, and struggled to accept my truth.