Addiction: Hard Pill To Swallow

Addiction is an inability to stop using a substance or engaging in a behavior even though it is causing psychological and physical harm.

Many people initially participate in an activity or use a substance on their own volition. After the initial "high," addiction can take over and weaken self-control.

In my instance, the initial choice was made voluntarily.

I was curious to see how it made me feel and how my body and mind would react.

Yes, I was away from my native family, and yes, it was hard not to have my mom and dad around to keep me grounded, or my sisters and brother to talk some senses into me, so one can say, I wasn't my best self, I had some issues but wasn't aware of them at that age.

I was young and experimenting.

I'm sure some of you can relate to that drive.

We think we're invincible when we're young, don't we? 

If you look at it from another perspective, you might find this 'invincibility' quite liberating…

It's a 'freedom' we don't get to experience as we get older.

Better make the best of it, right?

And so I did.

Looking back, I realize that I had to experience it in order to grow and develop.

Here I was, falling into the dark, descending into the shadows, without understanding the peril of going down the rabbit hole.

The deeper the fall, the harder the rise.

Soon enough, I found myself in a completely "dark chamber" with no walls, yet I was unable to find a route out.

I was unable to feel, unable to smile, unable to move; locked into the dark room which I had created myself, detached from everything and everyone.

I was Alone - me, myself, and I…at an age where I didn't know who I was.

Who are these reflections staring back at me? Are they all me?

Who am I, and why am I afraid? How did I get here?

What dark forces dragged into this pitch-black hole?

ME? I was the dark forces - Revelation!

There is a certain amount of fear that comes with mirroring yourself.

You are facing your demons and they're not friendly.

You are coming to terms with a facet of yourself you were unaware of.

The realization that duality applies to you as well as to everyone and everything else initially comes as a shock, but with time, you learn to accept your dark side.

The pain that comes with addiction is so unbearable that every time you go through it, you promise yourself that it would be the last time.

And then, you do it again, and again, and again…and you suffer again, and again, and again, and you start to wonder why you would put yourself through so much trauma - is it really worth it?

You start having that inner monolog - self-talk.

Is it worth the few hours of 'high' that I so crave?

Why do I crave something that hurts me so much?

Is this really who I am or who I thought I'd be, for the rest of my life?

Does it bring me more pleasure or more pain? 

Do I love myself enough to say "Enough"?

What happens at that moment is: You start to ask the big questions. 

You dig into yourself for answers, you go through shadow work, you look for solutions, and you make commitments to yourself that you intend to keep.

You Learn to Love Yourself…again!

You learn to smile again, you learn to feel again, and you are reborn.

Took me a few years of self-discipline and inner strength, but I've made it out.

I found the light at the end of that tunnel, and it was so bright that it made all that pain and learning worthwhile.

Darkness has taught me things light could never show me!

NO REGRETS!

I am grateful.

Thank You…