A Woman Scorned

Grief is one of the hardest emotions to deal with and it left me wanting to do some reckless things in order to cope. Re-entering the dating scene after 3 and ½ years of being with my toxic ex-boyfriend was not easy. It was early fall in 2019 and I just wanted to feel better and desired. It had been a while since I felt sexy or flirted with anyone. After spending a few alcohol induced weeks on my friends couch I decided to do something shameful, message my old friend with benefits.

For the sake on anonymity, we’ll call this old “friend” Chad. I had met Chad when I was around 20. He used to do this adorable thing where he’d show up in my life and we’d go out and have fun and I’d be dumb enough to hook up with him. Afterwards, he’d ignore me for a few weeks until his batteries were recharged and then he’d hit me up again and I’d just be grateful for the attention. (Pathetic I know. I’m much less gullible these days.)

After about two years of this, Chad went from having his shit together and me not knowing where I was going in life to the tables slowly turning. After losing his job, his car, and his patience with his mother, Chad moved in with his grandma and became a hermit. He started clinging to me saying he loved me and the sound of those words coming out of his mouth made me cringe. Around 22 I realized how much I only cared about him for the sex, and I decided to stop talking to HIM for a change.

Fast forward to August of 2019 and all that confidence I had gained went out the window. It’s sad how much our partners opinion of us can truly affect our sense of self-worth. My ex made me feel sexually undesirable and all I could think about was finding a rebound. Chad seemed like the perfect person to use as a bridge back into dating. (Yeah I know it’s not okay to use people, but he used me for a long time, and I felt/feel no guilt about it).

I messaged Chad on Facebook and to my surprise he replied almost immediately. He seemed so happy to talk to me again and to catch up. He had since moved across the country to Wisconsin and was trying to brag to me about how cheap it is to live out there. He should’ve known his audience because I am a Cali girl through and through. However, I humored him and told him how happy I was for him and his new rural lifestyle. I was disappointed though that my rebound plan had just gone out the window.

Chad kept messaging me for a few weeks and decided to book a flight out to California to visit. (My dating history isn’t the embarrassing part of this story by the way but as I’m writing I realize it should be.) He said he’d been wanting to fly back and visit his mom, but me coming back into his life was the perfect excuse to book the flight even sooner. The two of us flirted back and forth for two weeks until the day of his flight arrived. It was the most attention I’d received from a man in a long time and the suspense was a little exciting. It made me wonder if maybe there really had been something between us the whole time and we were just too young to appreciate it.

When Chad first arrived, he spent the whole day with his mom. He had dinner plans and asked if I could pick him up afterwards to hang out. I started to get nervous about the whole situation. Like I mentioned before, I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. I was so angry at my ex that I refused to let myself cry about it. I was most definitely NOT over it and hadn’t healed by any means. However, I just wanted to feel better at the time and chose to move forward with our plans.

I had to drive 30 minutes away to pick Chad up from his mom’s house because he didn’t have a car to use. It was awkward to say the least. I kept sizing him up in my head. Chad is quite a bit shorter and talks a LOT more than my recent ex did. It was kind of nice though to just let him talk and not feel any obligation to keep the conversation going. I think ultimately, I just needed the company. We got back to my new apartment, and each had a beer. The two of us sat and talked for a few hours until he decided to make a move.

I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him. For some reason that felt too intimate. However, I was definitely down to have sex. It had been some time since I’d last been intimate. I think I might’ve blurred out most of the encounter in order to save present me the embarrassment. However, I do remember him sitting on the edge of my bed asking me for oral sex and I flat out refused. (Sorry if this is all tmi but it will come back in to play later.)

If I didn’t want to kiss him, you can bet I was not willing to do that either. He tried his best, but I ultimately shut it down and took him home not long after. That 30 minute drive to take him back felt like it took forever. It was a wake up call that this was clearly not the way to heal and I immediately regretted it. Chad of course talked the whole drive back. When he got out of the car, he tried inviting me to hang out again before he left. I fake smiled and drove off. That whole drive back alone I felt guilty for putting myself through something I wasn’t ready for.

When I came back, my roommates were home and in the living room watching a movie. They wanted an update on how my night went. I shrugged it off and went into my bedroom. However, something was off.

Immediately I noticed a smell. It smelled like somebody had defecated in there. I have two cats, so initially I thought it could’ve been one of them. It would’ve been odd because they never have accidents like that. However, we did just move into a new place, and they could be acting out. I started searching for the mess. When I finally realized the source of the stench, I could hardly believe my eyes.

Right on the edge of my bed where Chad had been sitting begging me to perform, there was a stain. It was brown and big and smeared right into my cute white sheets with the different colored feathers on them. When I first noticed it, I didn’t know how to react. I just stared at it. I was in such disbelief. How had my standards gotten this low? My intuition was telling me not to go down there but I could never have imagined the true horror as to why.

I still don’t understand how he could come over to my house full on knowing what was about to go down and not clean himself up. I also don’t understand how his mom didn’t do a better job potty training him. He was well into his twenties at this point. If he thinks that low of himself, what did he think of me? THE AUDACITY. I ran through all the options of what to do in my head. Do I text him and tell him to wipe his butt? Do I take it to the cleaners and send him the bill? Do I take a photo of the mess and send it to him asking him to step up his hygiene game?

Ultimately, I snapped out of it and ripped the sheet off my bed and threw it in the trash. I was horrified. I'd be lying though if I said it wasn’t a little funny. The universe has a sick sense of humor sometimes. I had chosen not to say anything to him.

Chad did end up texting me the next day, but I ignored him. He tried a few more times on social media to reach out, but I ignored that too. I asked a few coworkers for some advice because I have no concept of boundaries and they told me to just be honest with him, so I was. It was difficult to send out that text message, telling him the truth as to why I suddenly was ghosting him after being the one to initiate conversation. I told him what he’d done and as I was texting him, I realized his response would tell me everything I needed to know about him as a man.

Chad and I did form a bit of a relationship over text. He’d told me how dumb he felt for letting me go before. He also tried convincing me to move out to Wisconsin to be with him. I’d be a complete liar if I said I hadn’t started to fall for it. I figured if he could smooth this over, it might improve my opinion of him. We are all only human right? Wrong.

Chad immediately tried to point fingers at me. He said that I was the one that did it and that I was a jerk for trying to blame it on me. I was a scorned woman at the time and had no time for games. I replied and told him that it didn’t matter to me what he thought. He was in fact the one that did that, and I was merely passing on information as why I ghosted him. Moral of the story: The universe has a sick sense of humor when it comes to ignoring your intution.