A walk with the darkness

I learned years ago not to put all of my thoughts into the digital realm. Especially when I am not in my right mind. It seems when I take drugs another side of me surfaces and many things start to happen at once. The one thing that happens is my thoughts become confusing. I then begin to have dreams every time I close my eyes. Sometimes I feel as though the dreams are visions of a future that is unclear. Other times it is like I am somewhere else completely. There are times when I felt like my eyes were opened while dreaming because I felt awake in the dream itself. I don't remember what I was doing before the dream started and I wake up expecting to be in the same location I was in during the dream but I'm not. It is a strange feeling to have. You wake up disassociated from the reality you last remembered.

Are our dreams just another realm of reality? Where does the subconscious mind go when our conscious mind takes a nap? Have you ever remembered a dream so vividly that it was more a memory than a dream? I remember most of my dreams without having to write them down. I can close my eyes and recreate them. I have always been able to do that. I feel as though I could paint them as well but I do not have the money to purchase the canvases and paints needed for such endeavors. I could create my own though. I keep making excuses as to why I haven't done this or that. The truth is, I don't want to leave my kids or my home to do such things for the simple pleasure of doing them. I don't want to do things to make money. I don’t want to spend money on things I don't need. I don't want to work so someone else can live an easy life.

Why do we need to work when we have everything we need? Why can’t we do what we love? Why can't we just live? Grow our own food, collect our own water. Raise and teach your own kids. Grow your family and help those who you claim as family and friends. If we all pitched in and did the things we have always wanted to do well this world wouldn't be so bad. If we all worked together maybe we could get things done like our ancestors did before they started fighting because a select few became greedy with power. I know as soon as I shine light on my soul and people are able to see and hear me I will change the world. I have so many words to say, so many stories to tell, so many memories to share and yet I find it hard to concentrate because the world around me seems to be trying 'not' to fall into chaos.

Although it has opened my eyes to some truths I didn't realize, as soon as I should have. I then found myself asking the question “do people even want to change and be better?” I keep asking myself that question hoping I will soon get an answer. You know I never do. I feel as though I am about to lose my mind. There is a reason why I smoke. Do you know how hard it is dealing with people who lack wisdom and intelligence? Do you know how much energy I use to correct improper thoughts when someone shows me their true lack of knowledge? I control myself because I know if I don't I will kill someone. I refuse to kill anyone.

I could be one of those psychopaths. i could slaughter so many and not think twice about it. I have P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) so I could play the insanity card and say the devil made me do it. I know all that is just an excuse though. The voices in my head tell me everyday to kill people but I don't because that isn't who i am or who i want to be. I have full control of myself even if I can't always control the thoughts in my head. That tells me a lot about me as a person. That also says a lot about others in our world who don't control themselves and allow the thoughts in their minds to get out and wreak havoc on the public all because they know they can plead insanity and get out of jail and go to a psychiatric hospital. I won't be one of those people. not ever. This is why I smoke my trees. This is why I hate being without them. I am just glad my kids are always around. When I am out of trees, I can control myself by thinking of them.

We have a choice in life. The choices we make are always ones we want to make at the time. I know all the choices I made in life, I made for a reason. i wont say i always made the right choice, because I don't, but I own all my choices. I don't regret any of the choices I have made. all of my choices have led me to this point in time. Every choice I made taught me something. Those choices made me into who I am today. if not for the struggles of a life being lived we would not know how strong or blessed we are. I try to see the good side of life while also being aware of the bad sides of life.

I take my time and sometimes poke around to find the right path like a soldier walking across a beach filled with landmines. Sometimes I notice the mines before they explode, there are times when I will disturb one and have to take a moment to calm things down before I continue. I find the best thing is to avoid them all together but I also know that isn't alway possible so I found my own way. I found a way to communicate with the controlled devices. I spend my time defusing the ones I come along, so others don't have to walk on eggshells to cross life's many paths. sometimes I come across a land mine ready to blow and I protect myself so I can try to defuse it but if it does blow, well I will spend time picking up the pieces and putting them all back together. I don’t want others to come along and walk all over the pieces, without a care in the world to the damage being done.

If you haven't figured out the analogy, I suggest you picture a crowd filled with people feeling many different things at many different levels and one wrong move could cause a chain reaction of violent outbursts and behaviors. life is much like that. I find the more I walk the more I see and learn. I keep growing and changing and if I do that then I know others can do so as well. things are changing, minds are waking up to the truth. This year my new year's resolution isn't for me but for my world and all who live and survive in and around our world. I want to bring into being world peace by opening the minds of everyone with a brain capable of learning and engaging in humanity. peace is possible if only we would all believe it to be so and change ourselves for the better.

I get so angry when someone tries to justify the killing of another person. I don't care what someone does no one and I do mean no one deserves to die. I know death is a part of life but taking life's choice away from someone even in the name of justice is wrong. Allow nature to take that life when it is ready to take it. Allow karma it's due process. Karma has a way of changing people in ways death or law just can not compete with. I know we all want justice when it comes to someone killing the ones we love but even a serial killer has a reason for doing what they did. If you feel the need to kill another you might as well just kill yourself because that is pretty much what you are doing. You forfeit your life to nature when you take another soul that doesn't belong to you.

I was taught to tell the truth. I was told “ If I don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.” I spent my life listening and rarely speaking. I felt like if I couldn't be honest and I couldn't lie then what could I really say? I knew the truth wasn't always nice especially if you had a mean spirit or never saw the good side of things. I was one confused child growing up. Sometimes I would lie because I knew others didn't really want to hear the truth and I would get hit for lying. If I was honest, I got hit and told to stop being a brat or stop lying. As a kid it makes you feel like you are walking on egg shells. As a teen it makes you realize that isn't how you want to be. At least for me. I spent my twenties looking for myself and trying to figure out who I really was. Now that I am who I am supposed to be, others make me feel like I’m wrong for being honest and truthful. Am I not suppose to call people out for their lies because they always called me out when I lied to save myself from pain. They completely ignore how I feel and expect me to feel like they do. I prefer my own feelings to others feelings. I won’t be silent just because others refuse to face their mistakes.

I was forced to take accountability for my self and my actions and now that I am telling others the same thing its always " I don't want to hear it". Well hear this, that is toxic behavior and karma doesn't care how long it has been or about how sorry you are for how you acted. The fact is, karma will make you face yourself and feel how you made others feel. Karma doesn't care if it was your child, family, friend or a stranger; who you hurt, you will still face karma's wrath one day. I don't want to hear the complaining, moaning, or groaning like the world is so bad. You make it that way by not fixing yourself like your supposed to. It isn’t the worlds fault that you are unhappy and unhealed, it is your own fault. Help yourselves. I’m tired of helping ungrateful mean people who only help others so they can say "you owe me". No one ever owes me anything but I always owe everyone. Even though I rarely ask for anything, other than attention and a conversation about something other then gossip, drama, or complaints. Find someone else who enjoys that kind of life because I done. I am already dealing with my own mental health issues because of my upbringing and what I have done to myself over the years. I don't have the energy to fix everyone who feels they do not need to fix themselves.

People choose to live the way they live. They choose not to get help even when they know they need help. I watch people walk those same paths they say they hate so much every day. Do you honestly believe an addict wants to be an addict? Do you honestly believe those who are over weight want to be over weight? Do you want those who are sick (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) want to be sick? Some are bored with life, others are trying to numb the pain they feel, a few hide out of fear, and then individuals just want to die because it seems better then the reality they face everyday. There are a lot of people who go through all these things at once and yet have no clue how to heal themselves. They don't have the money, insurance, strength, support, or knowledge needed to get themselves out of the hole they have put themselves in. They don't know who can help them get out of the hole others may have put them in. Ironically enough most fail to face these truths. They would rather blame another than blame themselves.

Being born white I found myself asking questions most, around me, hated answering.

~What is white supremacy?

~Is it being proud of who you are or the color of your skin?

~Are you proud of who your ancestors considered themselves to be?

~If your ancestors were wrong in what they believed, would you change your own beliefs?

~If reincarnation is believed to be true, would we all be held accountable for our past selves misguided actions?

~“Would” or “Could” we be held accountable for our ancestors misguided actions?

~Would it be considered justice; if those individuals and families, who have ancestors that owned others or abused others (they believed they owned), where held accountable for those actions; since no one was held accountable back then for the mistakes and bad choices they made?

I was born white, I can’t change that. I find myself wondering if I was born the wrong color. How can you even ask yourself that question without feeling racist to a degree? I never did understand people who had a fascination with a persons skin color. I find personalities to be more profound then the tone of ones skin. Each person holds within them a mind of their own. We are all individuals who should be seen as singularities instead or couples, families, groups, classes, races, etc.

I just think that by this day and age we (the people) would have realized those labels never truly tell you anything about who an individual person is. So many people have been lost to time and death because they never shared their stories with anyone other then those kids and grand-kids who would sit at their feet to listen to the stories they told. Yet, none of those stories or people are truly lost. If matter is neither lost or destroyed then it all has to be here, within the natural world rings of life. It is within life's many rings that our universal knowledge lays. Within the collective conscious mind the wisdom hides. So why are we still supporting the separation of people and cultures when most of us have more than one gene line in our DNA? Most of us have blood that originated out of multiple lands from multiple people, cultures, even genetic codes. So why are we still allowing others to separate us with hate filled rants? Why push and allow; the progressively, politically correct, woke division-ism, thru social brain-washing and school house conditioning programs? That doesn’t seem logical to me.

The human confounds me, or maybe it is “the human mind of others” that confounds me. Either way people give me a headache. I give myself a headache trying to help others see the same things that I see. Am I wrong? Am I right? Honestly I don't even think I know anymore. Everyone is so brainwashed I think those who did the brainwashing succeeded in washing their own brains, as well, and now no one has any idea what is going on. I say we scrap everything as one people and start over with what we know to be true with actual evidence to the facts not just theories, assumptions, or opinions. We all have questions no one seems to be able to answer. So lets stop and think. Let’s try to answer those questions for ourselves by reading and researching what we want to know. We can apply what we learn to our life and then come up with logically thought out answers through experience and experimentation. Is that not the scientific way? Is that not the religious way? Is that not the smart way? Is that not the best way? I am only asking because I wish to know if my thoughts are correct.

I find myself asking the questions most don't want to ask. Maybe they do want to ask but they just don’t have the courage to speak the words out loud. I am not scared to speak my mind. I find no reason to be scared of the truth. If faced with a lion yes I would probably be scared to a degree, who in their right mind would not be, but not scared enough to lose my senses. If I die, I will die naturally and what is more natural then an animal hunting to feed? Maybe that is only my thought process. Could be just my perspective. Honestly I am not prideful enough to believe my own words all the time. I suppose a lot of people feel like that though.

I see the relationships between different sets of people around me and ponder these ideas. I have always tried to get a deeper look into a persons soul. Not so I could judge them but so I can understand them better. Is that the difference between me and other people? I usually speak what I think and I don’t honestly care who hears my thoughts. They don’t differ from what I say out loud. I know a lot of people who can’t say that. I try to give the best advice I can but sometimes I feel as though it falls on deaf ears. I have spent years going over everything I remember from my life. I remember the thoughts and feelings. Being older and wiser now I can understand why I did what I did back when I was just considered a child. It isn't hard to remember things if you don't block those thoughts from coming. I know sometimes it hurts to remember our childhood especially when we begin losing family members we were always close to. I have lost many of the ones who understood me better than I understood myself growing up. They taught me how to listen to my inner thoughts and control those demons I found myself facing. When you face trauma at such a young age it makes you think different. It changes the chemicals in your small “still forming” mind. It forces you to see the world in a different more darkened light.

At birth everything is so bright because our baby eyes are still sensitive to the lights around us. Slowly colors start to appear and swirl like a kaleidoscope. The light keeps babies from seeing the world as the older generations (kids, teens, and adults) do. Eventually the world becomes so clear that you find yourself searching for a way to go back to the darkness you floated in before your birth. This was before the light became to bright to see through. In the darkness of the night we search for peace in our new world. We never find the peace we once had before our lives took hold of our minds and created so much chaos. We have forgotten about those first memories of life. We lost the true feelings we felt in the beginning of our lives. The pain of growing makes it hard to think at all let alone remember what happened before the pain started. How do I remember such things and yet I don’t have images to back it up because I was blind at conception until almost 6 months of my natural born life. Not blind but unable to see beyond the darkness or past the first lights that showed up when I opened my eye lids.

In those first months of life outside the womb the world is loud and big and annoyingly funny. People make faces at you and talk in weird languages, you just can’t seem to understand. You recognize the vibrations of their voices but you don’t know why. You can hear the beat of their heart and it soothes you, when the pain is to much and you can not sleep. They come to you when you hurt because you wail so loud when you are in pain. Why do we forget those moments in time? Why can I remember them so vividly? Why can I remember looking into the eyes of my father as he talked down to me? Why do I remember the tempo of my moms voice as she tired to sing me to sleep when I was only days old? I remember the smell of my grandma’s pall malls cigarettes on the itchy sweaters she liked to wear in the late 1980’s.

I try to tell people what I remember and they think me nuts or delusional. Maybe me telling everyone I don’t know or I forgot wasn’t the best choice to make growing up. Only reason I did that though is because if I told someone no like an adult I would be punished. I also said those things when i didn't want to lie about something i knew because i knew the truth would get someone else in trouble. I never wanted to be a snitch even though i snitched on my sister so much. I did that because i loved her though and i knew she was doing things that where not good for her body or mind. Now I just let people live how they want. I still correct them on occasion but i don't usually try to make a big deal out of it unless you are openly complaining about the same things you are doing to yourself. Self-accountability has to be discussed with more people openly. That's my opinion though. People hide from others to much for no other reason than they fear others judgement or criticism.

I can’t bring myself to care what others think about me. I have a dream within my mind that I want to see happen within my lifetime so I know my kids will be okay when I die. I know I am not asking for anything materialistic, I only wish to be heard among the crowds of people also trying to be heard. I want this not for myself, so I hope my message goes to the top of the pile, but for the whole world. I can not change this world alone. None of us can, we need each other to change the world. We need to find common ground and stand together. This is the message I want to spread. No one is really listening though. Those who are listening and changing are doing so for the wrong reasons most times. Money, power, fame, fortune, and control are big incentives to get people to do what you want them to do without questions or complaints. Is that really how things should be? Doesn’t that open the door to corruption and backroom deals? Would you bribe others and manipulate them to make them do things they don’t want to do? Okay, don’t answer that because I am sure most will say yes in their minds and no in reality because it goes against the status quid pro quo.

Sometimes I can’t believe how people really think because I could never do that to someone. Not without them knowing what I was doing, anyway. I am the kind of person who warns you of manipulation before I try to manipulate ( puppy dog eyes, big lip, fake tears) you because I would never truly force anyone to do anything against their free will. I just don’t have that controlling others gene in me. I simply control myself and that is it. For the longest time I thought people didn't understand that about me. Today they are starting to get the bigger picture. This my story. This is my life. This is how I live everyday. This is me. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the pretty. Take me as I am or go around me and find a different friend.