A Sun And Her Son

Hey mom,

Have you ever heard the myth of a sun, moon and black hole? No? Let me narrate it to you.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful and warming sun that shines the ray of love to everything surrounding her. A giant black hole at the nearby was roused from his eternal hibernation with the smooth touches of her rays and he immediately wished to make her his own only. Getting the blessings of the gods, this black hole got the privilege of marrying the stunning sun. Soon after their marriage, they gave birth to a moon. The moon was as bright as the sun, near to it and shone during both the daytime and nights. Sadly, the black hole was unable to live harmoniously with the sun and the moon. His darkened identity became a barrier to the peace of the family, he kept absorbing every single sprinkle of light. But he was ungrateful about that and sought more of it. The sun cried badly that the beams of light sprang from her eye created the uncountable stars on the sky. The moon, saw her sorrow and decided to abolish the black hole. And he did that! He effaced his father, the black hole. Starting from that day the light of the moon has dimmed, it moved away and started to hide from the sun and abdicated from the daylight in favor of the night.

This story sounds a fairy-tale, right? But it's not. It's an allegorical true-life story of me, you and my father.

The sun in the story is you, my dearest mother. You were and are the sun that gives luminosity of love and hope to our darkened side streaming a brook of light ray. You never ceased feeding our souls with immortal warmth.

And the black hole is my father. He loved to diffract our lights. His blackish demeanor caused a great deal of pain. He kept taking and absorbing our lights from our souls. His nothingness was unavoidable. He took everything we had: our love, happiness, joy and communion. He was the black hole!

And Guess who is the moon in the story? Did you say "The moon in the story is you my son"? Yes, you're right! I am like a moon.

I am like a moon.

I am like a moon, a moon that shines in the dark, a moon that beautify the night, a moon that everyone wishes to touch. The poor souls who revolt darkness show their decent love to me standing in the midst of the moonlit bivouac. Can we find a single man who doesn't appreciate the moonscape? I doubt!

I am like a moon.

I don't have light of my own. The moonbeams that I glow is only the reflection of the light rays that I get from the sun. The Sunbeams that gushed from her soul shower me with zest. My winsomeness is mimicked from her luster. The gloss on my face is not mine, it's hers. She draws joy on my fuzzy face. She glamorizes me. I shine because she shines on me! I have no shine of my own. Her mere presence determines my existence. I am because she is! And she is you, my beloved mother.

I am like a moon.

Everyone sightseeing my illuminated surface acclaims and praises me. My personality, characters and mien are stupendous before their eyes. I have been hearing their murmur of appreciation. "He is fabulous" they say. This is what they have been saying about moon: "It's supernaturally interesting."

But the nearer they become to my far-off side, the clearer it becomes that I'm nothing but a handful of sand. The me that everyone wishes to skim is just a mound of ash. The me that everyone appreciates from afar is just a crag without saxifrages on it, I'm as lifeless as a rock. I'm a dead beauty and a waterless moon. That's why I keep myself at a distance, to obtrude as an argentic ball. My beauty is just an elusive mirage.

If they knew the me they have been appreciating closely, if they understood the beauty they have been worshipping is just quarry, if they touched the sandy heap and stamped their footprint on the dune, if they saw the charm gold they wished to have is just a cheap bronze, if they felt the blazing ball they have been romanticizing is just midden, they would guffaw and laugh their head off disappointedly saying "Ha! Look how this cosmetic hillock fooled us!! We thought it's divine but it's just an airy-fairy. We thought it's a moon but it's just a moonshine."

I am like a moon.

I belong to the darkness, the gloomy side of the earth. But my shining mother is the sun that brightens and warms my soul. She keeps following me brightening the orbit, but I keep absconding and running to the dark. "What Communion has light with darkness?"

Who effaced the black hole?

It wasn't just one ordinary night. I mean it seemed so but I was feeling some unexplainable boredom and anger. I know I was hitting the rock bottom and I was loving it. Yes, I do love my pains. I do enjoy counting my scars and romanticizing my sorrow.

That night, the matt crescent moon was dozing at the center of the sky pouring its silvery moonlight to the neighborhood. The sounds of chirping crickets and howling dogs made the night odious. The wind that was blowing through the unclosed living room's window kept waving the curtain.

I was sitting on the sofa listening music on the stereo. My favorite song was flowing into my heart through my ears.

🎼

Once upon a time there was a girl

In her early years she had to learn

How to grow up living in a war that she called home

Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm

🎼

Suddenly the door got knocked forcefully. I knew it was him, my drunkard father. This was his routine. I opened the door and he entered. He was drunk as a lord. He was staggering and nattering nonsensical rants. He shot angry glance on me as he entered. The hatred on his face was readable to anyone. He got laid on the couch and started to snore.

Lo and behold my beloved dad lying on the couch. He was snoring as if everything is cool and fine. He never regretted about every stupid and rude thing he had done. He never ceased blaming the victims, me and my mom, for not being nice for him.

Some unknown being started to whisper into my soul. Maybe this unknown was the Angle of death or maybe it's just me. But the voice kept echoing in my ears.

"Don't you think he should get the wage of his deed? Shouldn't he reap what he sowed?" the voice resounded through my mind. I skimmed over our life. I remembered every pain he gave for us, I remembered my childhood that he stole from me, I remembered the womanhood he burgled from you, mom. How could I forget the defacement he caused on your beauty? All the fights, are recorded in my mind as memorable scenes. I couldn't forget the time he threw a glass on your face. Every time I see that scar on your face, tears fill my eyes. He took away our laughter and smile away. He was our pain, the pain we share, unavoidable pain that keep hunting us. He got drunk, he was supposed to be our defender, but he chosen to beat us. He should've provided us with our needs but he preferred to snatch us, took our cashes or any valuable things we got. He must have been our advisory but he wanted to be our adversary. He ought to have been on our side rather he needed to be our enemy. He abused us in every possible way: verbally, psychologically and physically.

Oh! What a sorrowful night was it! Bethinking the torturing past, I was sobbing and crying without being aware of it. And that unknown voice kept agitating for justice, or revenge to be specific. Sometimes we should knead and make justice with our own hands. We should pay what people deserve. That's what I was thinking "Yes!" I whispered, "Yes, I should make my own justice! I should stand for myself and my mom! I should be the judge and should give the right punishment to the criminal. 'Eye for eye! Life for life!' "

I stood slowly and firmly in the middle of the room. My heart was pounding and I was becoming breathless with fear. Every single cell of my body was shaking. The tear gushing from my eyes was washing my face. My body was soaked in sweat. The stereo kept playing the music...

🎼

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt

When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built

🎼

I grabbed a pillow from the sofa I was sitting on and started to walk slowly towards the couch my father slept on. I felt like the distance from my seat to the couch took eternity. Yet finally I arrived there and started to stare downward on my father's sleepy body. The stereo was still singing...

🎼

Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face

Every time my father's fist would put her in her place

Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room

Hoping it would be over soon

🎼

All of the sudden, I got the energy to do it. I smothered him with the pillow. It took him a while to realize he is being suffocated and then he started to trashed around fiercely. He clawed and scratched my hands with his unclipped nails. He tried to push the pillow away from his head and tussled for his life. But he couldn't! His weakling hand couldn't surpass my energy. The intensity of his struggle faded away and he ceased wrestling. But the music didn't cease...

🎼

Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door

The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"

Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done

To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

🎼

"Did I just killed my father? Did I just take my father's breath away?" These questions struck my hade like a lightning. I threw the pillow away and saw his unclosed eyes. This is the moment I realized what I did and panicked. Those disaffected eyes smacked me and I couldn't handle their reprimanded look. Those lifeless eyes that I will never forget made my heart ache and tumbler down on the floor. The singer inside the tape plays as if nothing happened...

🎼

It's not so easy to forget

All the marks you left along her neck

When I was thrown against cold stairs

And every day I'm afraid to come home

In fear of what I might see there

🎼

I cried helplessly for hours. Revenge is not as sweet as I expected. It's rather bitter as bile. But it was too late to undo the damage. I killed my hope, my faith, my sense and smile along with my father. I knew I wouldn't be the same then after. The chaos I caused was unbearable. My tears couldn't wash away my sin; my regrets couldn't set me free.

I stood up and cleaned the little mess. I put everything on its place. I washed my hand again and again like Pontius Pilate did, even if water couldn't wash my conscience. I closed my father's eye and covered his body with blanket so that he looks asleep. After rearranging everything as it used to be before, I got into my room. Everything seemed normal and lively, even though it's a lively dead. The only witness of the scene, the singer, was singing tirelessly sending me to hypnosis...

🎼

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

And I'm OK

🎼

A horrific scream of my mother awoke me from my nightmarish sleep in the next morning.

¤ ¤ ¤

The case regarding my dad's death was closed. Everyone believed it's just a natural death so I wasn't suspected and didn't get into any trouble. But I couldn't run away from the truth. It kept hunting me down. This is the power of truth; you might manage to hide it but you can't escape from it.

I thought what I did brought peace to our home. But I was wrong, it did the opposite. You weren't the same you, so was I. You were broken, so was I. His death hurt you more than his life did. Because you never ceased to love him, despite all his badness. Your love for your family was and is transcendent. And I know I should have followed the example you set, but I failed to did so. I chose revenge over forgiveness, I picked hate over love. That's why I couldn't have a peace of mind starting that from that day. The moon failed the sun.

Reading a heartfelt melancholy on your face and knowing that I am the cause are constant thunderstorms in my head that stole my joy. That's why I tried to hide from you and became bloomy like moon that abdicated from the daylight in favor of the night and became dimmed in the myth I told you in the beginning.

I tried every possible way to hide. I started to take much alcohol and become bibulous. And that wasn't enough. On the top of that my cannabis intake was increased dramatically. Besides all this, I kept having unprotected sexual relationship with a number of partners. But none of my hideouts can help me. They worsened my pain. I was falling apart; I was broken into pieces. The more I tried to hide, the more vulnerable I became. Truth is a good hunter; it won't let you go without paying the price you deserve.

Mom, have you seen the tattoo on my wrist? I know that you haven't. I managed to hide it from you. Actually it's not a tattoo, it's a scar rather. Or let's say It's just a tattoo I made using a blade. At some point in the past, I thought I couldn't take it anymore and decided to cut my life off to get eternal relief. And then I cut my vein on my wrist to run away from my pains and regrets. The reddish ferocious fluid started pouring out. I saw the blood washing my hands. Maybe I thought my dirty hands that can't be cleansed with water might be purified with blood. But people got me and took me to hospital before it was too late and I couldn't die. But this left a visible seam on my body and whenever people ask me about the scare on my wrist, I jokingly answer that It's a tattoo. Even if it's one simple line, it holds all my pains. I love it because I consider it as an artistic representation of my life. It reminds me of my selfishness and your goodness.

"Few and evil have the days of the years of my life been." Uncountable Tragedies and undeniable comedies have taken place. The only constant thing in my journey is you, my mom, and your love for me is unchangeable.

I know I am a mess. I have done unforgivable sins and mistakes. But I know one thing, your love transcends all my weakness. Your forgiveness passes my troubles. Your doors are always open for me. Your eyes are always filled with passionate love. You never defined me with my drawbacks. You always see the best out of me. Your hands are always open for a hug. Your love heals. Cause I know you're not just a human being. You are not of our kind. Your soul shares divinity. That's why I confessed all my darkest secrets to you. You deserve to know the truth and I deserve your forgiveness.

"O Lord, remember me and strengthen me only this once," this is the prayer that I used to hear on your mouth and today it's my prayer too. I am tired of the hide-and-seek game that doesn't bear fruit. I surrender. I know your forgiveness and love can heal me! So I ask you kneeling down and in tears. Would you forgive me? Would you let me be your son again? Would you still be my mother? I know I have effaced the giant black hole but Would you keep shining your rays for the poor moon of yours? Would you?