A story of faith

It wasn’t something I’d ever thought I needed to push me towards god. But somehow god knew it was. In the beginning I wanted to die, I wanted to let it all go. I wanted to give up. It opened my eyes to who I truly was though. To the discomfort of the ultimate failures, sins, and flaw I had that I didn’t think I did.

I didn’t even know I had such a big ego considered I was the quiet shy one. People tend to see these type of people as sensitive and fragile. But, as I got older the more confident I became in acting on my thoughts of who I was. I became more social and carried my self as if I knew things.

It wasn’t till I found myself in a miserable relationship where I realized I needed him. I needed god. I wasn’t happy and I couldn’t figure out why. The person I was with was a wonderful person on their own. But me, I struggled internally. I thought of myself to highly. I said things like I deserve this from you and I don’t want this from you. As if it was conditioned, my love for this person was also codependent.

This is a story of how I got humbled by god. When I called out his name the next day I thought I heard him speak to me telling me I was the chosen one. That the person I was with was evil and she was the problem. At the same time I didn’t understand what the voices were telling me. Why they needed me to do certain things but I did it anyways thinking god was there for me. God was me in my mind. I thought I was a god. How egotistical and narcissistic that became to be is who I was. I didn’t realize that I was that in the relationship I was in. I thought I was the perfect person for this person.

Turns out, I was the complete opposite and god needed me to know that. He needed me to hear it loud and clear cause god still loved me. I’m hear to say that even though there are people out there with big egos you can still turn back, now is the time. God is near. Ask him for help. He will help you.

It’s not easy, it takes alot of work and to go from thinking you are this special, unique person to realizing you are actually one with everyone else is a slap in the face you need to realize it. To realize that god is the ultimate truth. Jesus is the way the truth and the life and how he lived his life is the right way.

It took seven years of wrestling with god calling him a liar a hater and a boring god. It took honesty of how I felt about god. It took a lot and I had a hate in my heart for him I didn’t know I had. I was so far from god that I didn’t realize was why I was so miserable and wanted to end my life.

Now, after all the lows I realized I was in. The hallucinations and voices I experienced all the delusions, is not a punishment but a push to show me loud and clear who was the actual villain. It was me. I was my own villain. Sometimes I find myself going back there in my mind. I find myself being that villain but I’ve had lots of help to get me toward the right path to god.

I know now then ever before I have a lot to be thankful for a lot to work on and a lot of blessings. Reminding myself everyday that I’m one with everyone else. My ego hurts sometimes and I find myself getting angry over little things. But then I run to god and again and again he humbles me more and more little by little. He can do that for you too.