A Night Of Benefits

Ever since I let this person into my life, it has been a repeated cycle that is full of lust and temptation. No matter how long we don't see each other, it somehow happens over and over again. At first, it was supposed to play out as us being just friends but my feelings got in the way of that. And that's how I got in this mess. But how could I ever ignore someone who has those handsome eyes and those lips? Yeah...those damn lips. I always said he was this fantasy I thought about. Meaning, someone to come and fill my lonely space but some fantasies turn into real ones.

Let's call him Deon. Deon I thought was so perfect and very friendly. I remember him always texting me "Good Morning Beautiful". At least that's what I recall after meeting each other over the phone. At that time he was the only person I ever chatted with every single day. I couldn't remember a time when I had a sad expression on my face. He always made me smile. The conversations will always be from the day going into the night. Yep, those were the good days. But I never knew what was in store for me.

Let's skip a little bit until I stop at the time I first kissed him. After thinking about that moment, that kiss was my biggest mistake. Even before that kiss, we flirted many times during our conversations. I just didn't know how addicting all of it became. First, the kiss, Second, the make-outs, third, touching on each other ( if you know what I mean ). And then lastly, the benefits. Everything was happening so fast but the last thing I gave to him, was my virginity.

When I lost that, I became lost in illusions and I was losing myself. I didn't know where to begin my life after that. It felt as if I was mourning over a person but I should've known what I was getting myself into when I started this with him. Then he said he loved me but I asked him, did he mean it in a friendly way or more than a friend. And he said both. I didn't understand it but now it was clear from the moment we started sneaking around, he always saw me as a friend with benefits. I even told him how I felt but I was rejected constantly with excuses.

These emotions that were in my system were making me sound and act like a complete psycho. I was so in love with him, that he thought I was trying to force him into a relationship. But I promise I would never force someone to do anything they do not want to do. Those feelings for him were more like torture. I really didn't know why I was getting rejected that many times and plus we were still messing around. We had done it for at least a year in a half but the cycle continued until I found out Deon started seeing someone else. I kept asking myself why is this happening to me? Why is it so hard for me and not for anyone else?

Our nights of benefits didn't last when his girlfriend announced their relationship. I thought he was the one but some people aren't always meant for a person. I wasn't the same after that. Chats became short until he stopped texting at all. And now here I am, lonely again. I had to stop the encounters because he didn't. Here's my confession.