A Mother's Love

To my dearest mother,

I must confess to you in regards to that which I could not let go. As you know all too well, I battled many addictions, and was nearly overcome by them when you took me back into your home. A broken man with little to no hope is who you remember moved into your guest room that dark October evening. I had achieved what many would call success in my professional life, but I had failed in that which matters more-love. With my hopes for marriage and a family dashed against the rocks, the pain became more than I could bare. Drugs, the arms of fast women, and compulsive gambling are what I turned to for relief. God sat waiting for me with open arms of comfort, but time and again I ran to Earthly pleasures. Each time I indulged, the sharp pain that ate away at my soul would be dulled, only to return with vengeance each morning. Nothing but diving further into the chasm of my addictions would return me to a state absent of pain. This vicious downward spiral nearly destroyed me. But then it was you, the one who first held me, that offered me a sanctuary of comfort. Loving me all the more despite my sins, you opened your home to me. As you recall, I left my career behind me and sought recovery, being engulfed in your unconditional love. Our Lord showed me mercy in the form of a fiercely loving mother.

My recovery was less than perfect. Each time I would stumble and return to my destructive behavior, I know that it broke your heart, and herein lies my confession. When taking your only son back under your roof, you believed that he was fully committed to leaving his addictions in the past. But he was not. I honestly did believe at first that I would never again return to my self destructive tendencies. But the truth is that I wasn't healed, and I harbored a strong desire to hang on to my companion pain-killing behavior. On some level I think I didn't believe that I deserved to be free, that I deserved my suffering and redemption was out of my reach. I am so deeply sorry that you had to witness my rocky recovery, and I am sorry that I said I was fully committed when I wasn't. But I want to thank you with all that I am for never giving up on me. Each time I would stumble and then come to you in tears, riddled with guilt, you would hold me and let me cry, just as you did when I was a child with a skinned knee. At no other time in my life had I experienced such genuine love. The life I have now-the joy, the freedom, my beautiful wife, and my hope for the future, I owe to you. You and God. It is essential to me that you understand I would not be the man I am today without my beloved mother. Nothing I could have ever done would make you love me less. Knowing this has built in me a sense of self worth that I could not have received through any other means. You are truly an angel come down from heaven.

I only pray that your capacity for love has ingrained itself within me. Someday, God willing, I hope to have children of my own. If I learned anything from you, it is how to love unconditionally. May God allow me to shower my children with the very love that you have always shown me.

Your only son,

Luke