A Month of Tribulation: October 2021

Welcome to my life. Welcome to my story. Welcome to what it feels like to be me.

I've taken my journals and I've cut out pieces of each day and strung them together to create a kind of shortcut into my existence.

Take a glimpse

Take a peek

And for a moment

You'll be me

October 6th

I felt panicky and on edge.

I still feel on edge.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I cried.

Haunted by those around me, tortured by my impulsive decisions, torn down by the hands I trusted to save me.

October 7th

I just want this day to be calm.

I feel heavy. I feel like crying.

I couldn’t focus.

Hoping for the best, hoping for it to get better, but it only gets worse. And it spreads.

October 8th

I did nothing.

There was so much drama.

I feel like they don’t want me back.

Everything is so complicated right now. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I’m just stumbling through, but at least I’m moving.

I’m fighting for myself. But who is fighting for me? Around me everything goes up in flames.

October 9th

I’m afraid of them. I can’t communicate with them. I don’t know if I can continue this.

I feel scared and on edge and like crying, but I feel helpless. I can’t do anything.

They said that they were sick and would always be sick. But that doesn’t excuse them from not being able to work towards healthier relationships.

Friendships crumbling to ash.

October 10th

I feel relieved.

All in all, things are starting to turn around.

I hope we can survive this.

They were acting cold and distant and harsh.

I don’t know what’s going on.

Unsure what I’ve done to warrant such cruelty. Was I the one cruel? Or were they? Can I find peace now? Is this relief only short-term?

October 12th

It’s over. And while I know that’s probably for the better, it still hurts. They weren’t healthy and that’s not good for me.

But they’re gone now.

I have to let them go.

But it hurts.

How many people have I lost this year alone?

Too many.

Making relationships and watching them fall apart. Is that life? When will someone stay?

October 13th

I was so upset.

They stalk my mind like a ghost. I can’t let go of the emotions. I can’t let go of the pain.

October 14th

I need to recover.

Everything has slipped through my fingers this past week and I’m scrambling to grab it all before it falls beyond my reach.

I don’t have enough time.

I’m trying. Can I stop it from falling apart?

October 15th

My emotions were getting more and more unstable.

I broke down in tears.

I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know what to do.

Backward and forward, a constant Ping-Pong I can’t escape. When will I ever get out of here?

October 16th

I woke up in pain. I don’t know why it hits me so hard every time a relationship burns.

It’s over.

I am in control of my actions.

It’s time to move on.

Everything is still hard. But I’m coping.

I don’t miss them. I don’t want them back in my life. I wish they had never been in my life.

But for some reason, it still hurts like hell.

Break and rebuild. Try to survive. Try to piece myself back together. Mistakes are hard, and mistakes hurt, but mistakes also grow.

October 17th

Today is going to be an okay day.

And it was. Distractions keep me moving when all I want to do it stop. I forget. I think I’m happy. I’m not.

October 18th

I had an anxiety attack.

I need to focus.

I tell myself to get it together, but what even is together? I don’t know anymore.

October 19th

I’m letting people down and they need me.

What else was I supposed to do?

October 23rd

I don’t know what’s going on. What is going to happen to me?

I feel a million things at once and at the same time all I want to do is lay here and be numb. But I need to keep it together. I need to hold on for my future.

But what if it’s a future that isn’t possible?

I am hurting and I am struggling and I am failing.

I have nothing to hold onto. Nothing but dreams that are all in my head. There is nothing physical. There is only the imaginary.

I live in my head and I’m supposed to believe that that will get me out of it one day?

I want to know how this thing works: life. I want to know how I can acquire it, develop it, cherish it. I want to know if that’s even possible?

October 24th

I’m falling back into old patterns. Red flags are everywhere.

I’m about to do something.

I know the consequences. I know the repercussions.

Why don’t I care?

I know I shouldn’t do this.

But what if it works?

It worked.

But there’s one problem.

It worked.

I have to be honest. I can’t hide this.

I have to admit that I did something I really shouldn’t have, and I have to admit that I don’t regret it one bit.

Experimenting out of desperation, and results that might change everything. Can something that saves ever be wrong?

October 25th

I don’t know if that was the worst choice I’ve ever made or the best.

But we’re about to find out.

I was free from it for 23 hours. I was myself. I was capable. I was unhindered. I finally felt like the me I was supposed to be. A normal human being.

Did I finally find the key to the answer that I so desperately seek? Did I finally hack what’s been wrong with me all these years? Did I finally find something that works?

After all these years, after all this pain, after so much suffering, and struggling, and failing, and falling, and getting back up again, did I finally, finally, crack the puzzle?

I got a taste of what I deserve, of what I should have had. I got a taste of what was mine.

I can’t go back from this.

Hope. It feels foreign. Is this what it means to be human? Is this what it means to finally see a light on the horizon?

October 27th

I can’t do this.

I did it again.

I found something that would almost cure all my symptoms. I am in agony all the time. I can’t do basic things. I can’t do crucial things. I can’t do things I love.

What was I supposed to do?

I don’t even feel human anymore. Who I am is locked away beneath all of this sickness. I can’t access her. She’s trapped. My capabilities, my potential, it’s all trapped. And I can free it. I can feel human again.

And you’re telling me not to?

I’m sorry, but screw you.

I will not live like this anymore.

They tell me what to do. They tell me what I need. But do they ever really know? Confliction swirls inside of me. I know what I need. I know what to do. But I hesitate. I hesitate because of them, because of what they tell me. But I only hesitate. I do not stop.

October 28th

I haven’t been doing well.

I am severely debilitated.

This is getting out of hand and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t understand what’s happening.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

Flipping back and forth like a light switch. I revert; I prosper. I continue.

October 30th

I did it again and I felt like a real person for a few hours. I felt like me. I could do the things I wanted to do. I could perform to the best of my abilities. I got to be who I’ve always been inside. I got to let out the girl who was trapped within.

I don’t deserve to suffer like this. I don’t deserve to be tortured constantly by my own brain. I don’t deserve to be trapped.

I’ve been trapped my whole life, helpless at the hands of others and even my own body.

Enough.

I will not be trapped anymore.

I will be free.

I will be free.