A Life Alone

It’s an interesting feeling when you’re in a crowd and feel alone but it’s even more frustrating when you’re in a family and feel alone. I am one of six and while I always had an amazing relationship with my mother, I was never able to connect with my siblings or dad the way they connected with each other. As a teen this haunted me and I would ask what I found a great number of kids ask their parents “am I adopted?” This would usually lead to laughter and a reminder that I looked way too much like my mom to in fact be adopted. As I grew older I was never able to shake this feeling that I was just different. So I collected that because we had parents who allowed us to explore our own desired paths in life that it made this feeling more prominate. I have a sister who enjoys the arts of food, a sister who is a genius with numbers, one brother was great with cars while the other wanted to explore ministry and the oldest brother took to ranching and construction. I’m the creative one in the family, the musically inclined, the inquisitive one. But the character trait that separated me the most was that I research what I’m told, I don’t like taking things at face value, I run towards conflict in hopes to make a change, I enjoy reading books and writing. These things made me “odd” and different but then I was always quickly reminded that different was “a good thing” I learned to except what was and grew accustomed to the idea that I was just different and I shouldn’t put much thought into it.

During the 2020 lock down, I was not that odd from most others who found themselves trying to discover new things and hold on to what little bit of sanity we had. I had been working on my mothers family tree since the passing of my dad in 2015 and it was high time to get it finished and the perfect amount of time to do so. My sister had a account with a company who does DNA researching so I decided to add mine to the list and get to searching for people we were related to. I didn’t know at the time that it could take weeks for results to come back so while I waited I entered the information I knew and I waited and waited and waited. During my time of waiting I got a call from the salon that I was working at sharing that we were reopening and while I was thrilled to be back to work, I felt out of place once again. I felt like my body knew something that I didn’t, my mind would wander and I became easily distracted as I imagined so many different life choices and where different roads would take me. One of my sanity checks was going back to the family tree I was working on but one day, when I tried to log in, it appeared that my sister changed the passcode. I didn’t have time to call her but thought I would reach out and get it after work as I was thrilled to learn just what parts of the world my bloodline came from. Towards the end of my work day, I got a text from my Mom asking if I wanted anything for dinner as we had been living together since the passing of my dad. This wasn’t an unusual question but when I shared that I just wanted left overs, she insisted on doing something more. I thought it was a little off but insisted back, when I arrived home she had the leftovers warmed up for me. I remember sitting down to eat when she said she had something to tell me. I stopped eating and was waiting for her to tell me that someone was hurt or dead when she began to cry. My heart was racing at this point and I begged her to “just spit it out” then through tears and a very soft broken voice she told me “your sister called and your results came back…” it still didn’t sink in what she was about to say when I raised my eyebrows to say and? “You’re not your dads…” there were other words said after that but I don’t know that I even heard them, once I realized what she said I remember just looking at her and she kept repeating “I didn’t know, I promise you I didn’t know” I ended up consoling her and reassuring her that I wasn’t mad, that I loved her and understood how things like that happen. I had someone coming to the house to do their hair so I said I had to go get drinks that I promised would be there.

I was always told the story of how I was a “reconciling baby” when my parents were on the verge of divorce and while my dad drove truck, he was off doing his own thing but when he came back he made promises to change and make things work. I just didn’t know that my mom was off doing her own thing as well. Turns out I am more like my father after all, the love of books, the drive to fight for what’s right, the love for debating and deep conversations, and while I am still more like my mom all of my quirks and “odd” parts come from him.

It’s amazing what our bodies and spirits know that our minds don’t. There may be times that I still feel out of place because yes, I can be awkward and vocal about what’s on my mind but the character part of me makes so much more sense and now that I’m one of nine siblings instead of six, I have all the basis covered… There is a thirteen year gap between me and my older brother so I was the baby of the girls, I was the oldest of me and my younger brother but I am very much in the middle but now I can add only because I no longer have any full blooded brothers or sisters but I realize now more than ever that it takes much more love than blood to make someone apart of the group you are a part of.