A letter to my love

It’s only been a day but I already know this won’t work; if you asked me, I’d say, ‘I don’t want to do this without you’. What happened to the promises you made? The dreams we had and everything we said we’d do. I remember how you would whisk me in your arms and lift me up, tell me how you’d rather die than live without me, I think back and realize now, I should have said same to you. I’m here wishing I was with you, lying next to you, in the place where we said would only part us: Death laid it’s cold hands on you my love and now, I’m left without my friend, companion, my love. Losing you feels like living a dream, this is not my life; it cannot be, this has to be a dream.

Sheryl lay almost lifeless on the bed; the same she shared with Jerome, her high school love and the only man she had ever loved, who was the closest thing she had had to a family growing up. Sheryl had not known any real love, not since her warm smile met the eager but hopeful doctor who helped deliver her. She was a perfect weight; ten fingers, ten toes and she had the most amazing smile. Of course, she gave everyone a fright when she just wouldn’t open her eyes or cry, she must have felt it was nap time; but a gentle rub on her butt cheek did the trick. She jerked back and her face lit up when she saw she was in the world, she smiled and felt almost at peace; she knew she’d be safe.

Day 1

Jerome, I’m not about to carry on without you, I cannot begin to imagine what my life would be. We promised we’d do this together, we said we would fight to trouble each other for as long as we both lived. You swore I wouldn’t live in my mum’s shadow, you lied Jay, you did. I look at myself and I wonder; this has to be a dream, it must be a dream. I can’t be alone, how do I get through the day, what do I tell the kids?

How do they learn to live without their dad? I must have gone on and on that night, I can’t even remember falling asleep but that was the coldest night and this was only the beginning. Opened my eyes, couldn’t sleep much but that’s no surprise. Now, let’s get me out of bed, shall we? I’ll try to keep this smile, Lacey and Jade already know you’re in the hospital and Jackson well, your dad visited over the weekend and gave him the news. I’ve got to get ready, can’t have them wondering what’s happening with mum; I just couldn’t face them last night and so, I waited till they fell asleep and snuck in through the back, skipped their room and just shut the door behind me.

I know the kids will be so hurt, how could they not be? Lacy’s getting her braces removed today, remember? The day’s finally here and we promised we’d take her, well I said I would take her, hold her hand, be the bad cop and you promised to swoop in, take all the glory, bearing candies and teddies. I don’t think I can play both sides Jay, it’s too hard to even think about it.

Appointment’s been booked and you know how we struggled to get Maddie on this, she’d been out of the clinic since she had her twins, it was a big ask but she agreed. Lace loves her, she adores her and she can’t stop dancing around, telling everyone she’s getting her braces removed. There has to be a way around this, there must be a way to skip the part where I tell them we’re on our own; I worry about them but you know who’s going to be a hard nut to crack? Jackson, he’s always been closest to you. He’s away in school but it’s only a matter of time before he finds his way home, to the news of your absence.

I’m taking Lace with me, couldn’t cancel on Aby, she’s been waiting. She knows you’re no longer with us but I hope she can keep it together, for her sake. I want to keep her from hearing the news, she still thinks we’ll make the last trip to the hospital, show you how she looks without her braces and she imagines you would smile; she said she’d bring your favorite cookies and maybe, have a bite with you. I’m hoping time stops with Aby, hoping the braces decide not to let go just yet because I just can’t; I can’t bring myself to share this news with the kids.

Hey babe, remember our favorite ice cream truck; no, I know what you’re probably thinking but that’s not it: you know the one close to the clinic? I’m thinking of stopping by, giving Lace a treat after we get the braces removed. Think it’s a great idea? I know you, you’d support me on this; she’s our baby after all. I’ll be back, Lace is getting close now; mum’s prepared her for the clinic.

Before I go, I’m thinking to myself, what would have been if you were here. I guess I know all too well what you’d wear, you would pop in to the office for a brief meeting and head out, tell Em to hold down the fort and rush to the store. Oh, I know you wouldn’t get anything for me, but it wouldn’t hurt to try though (smiling now); it’s all about Lacy today and you’d make her feel like she was the center of your world. When you get here, Aby would know because well, she’s your bestfriend and the closest you ever came to having a sister. I still remember what it was like when we first started dating; she was always there and you didn’t seem to mind. Gosh, I so hated you and how blind you were to it; that’s all in the past now.

You shared such a special bond with her and for a minute, I wondered; well, marry her already but life had other plans. She met and married the first man you introduced her to, I guess you always knew; she wasn’t meant to be your wife. That’s all in the past now, she’s married, we’re married and that’s where I snap back into reality. Surprise Lace with candies and teddies, that’s the plan; get Aby in on it and make it look real. It would have been cool to see you light up when she screams, daddy look, I got my braces removed. You never really liked that she got braces, and look, you’re not here to see them come off.

I can’t do this again, I really can’t. Telling you how all of this should go, how we planned the day right down to dinner with the family and a trip to your parents for the holidays. It’s too much, it’s too hard to do. So, I guess I’ll see you when I can’t sleep and my mind won’t just let me be; I’ll tell you everything I’m feeling in a note, my love.

F.Y.I, feels like you’re here; I think you still are 😉😉.