A Letter to my Former Father

Dear The Man I once called Dad,

The man that I thought was my father for a good portion of my life. As I suppose you filled the fatherly role in an aspect. But, you never really were my Dad. You were just the man who knocked up my Mom and married her immediately after. Treating her in ways that broke her down mentally and physically. Ways that I probably will never know the depth of or will ever know. A part of me never wanting to look deep into either.

You were the worst fucking person that I ever met. The worst person to call himself my 'father' when all you did was hurt me. Call me horrible names. Like disgusting, fat, ugly, and unworthy of love. Threatening to break the things that I own and doing so. Hitting me when you felt I wasn't respecting you enough. My brothers, too. But it felt like you hurt me even worse than them. Probably because I was an autistic girl who couldn't fight back. Nor could I understand what was going on and that it wasn't normal. That it wasn't normal that a parent would treat you like you treated me. Like the time that you nearly broke my foot because I didn't tell you who Mom went shopping with. I was five and you knew Mom had only one friend. I bled vaginally because I landed on the fucking dog chain stake and it went between my legs. Did that fucking matter to you? No, it didn't. You screamed at me to go to my room and I couldn't even walk because my foot hurt so bad. But, I managed it. Because you kept bellowing at me that you'd hurt me worse if I didn't. That you'd beat me black and blue. So I got to my room the best that I could.

I was five for fucks sake.

Sure, you went to jail and I felt happy. I felt safe. I was with Grandma and Grandpa at their house. But eventually you got out and life went back to the Hell it was before.

I never thought I'd live to the thirty I am today. Because throughout the entire twelve years you were married to Mom, I wanted to kill myself. I wished I had been aborted several freaking times. Or put through the foster care system instead. That maybe the world would have been better off I wasn't alive then. Mostly thanks to you flat out acting like it. Telling me the most horrible shit that kids should never hear. Like telling me that my voice was too horrible for you to hear and I shouldn't be speaking. Threatening to break my toys old and new if I didn't pick them up. Screaming that actually. Then acting all surprised when I told the only grown man who loved me, Grandpa, what you told me.

You'd give me the worst food that would get me sick. Get my brothers sick. Like the time that your middle child was begging for lunch and you made us all 'lunch'. Which was the worst eggs you'd ever made and deliberately put eggshells into it. Burnt it in some places. And left it raw in others. Just to teach us a lesson when me and our baby brother hadn't been begging for lunch. We were just quietly watching cartoons and ate the food because you were so mad we thought you'd hit us. Which wouldn't be too far off for what you always did.

There's times that I wished you'd never met Mom. That we wouldn't have to live with you. Then we wouldn't have baby brother and then I felt guilty for wishing that.

You always made me feel disgusting and worthless for even existing. Put blame on me for your actions when I was a literal fucking child. I've realized for years now that you've never loved me. Never loved middle child either. That you're using him to get over your grief of our baby brother even if he can't see it. Not sure if I want him to either. As it probably would hurt him more. Not as much as the years you deliberately disappointed him and baby brother. Like picking your fucking girlfriends over baby brother and kicking him out twice.

You're the reason he's dead. You had every means to get him the help he needed and ignored it.

I don't wish you any good or any happiness. Nor do I forgive you. I don't care if people think that's terrible or if it's not good for me. I can't forgive you. I can't respect you. Nor can I ever love you ever again. You were the worst human alive and I hope you live with that. Live with everything you've ever done with me and actually feel remorse for it. I doubt you will but I wish you would.

Your former child,

Raphael.