A letter to my best friend

Dear Cass,

I remember the first time we met in 2015 during Mr. Bold's 8th-grade science class. You were new to the school, and we had assigned seats and got paired together for the semester. We didn't talk that much at first, that is, until we got back our first test results, and we both failed. Thus, the "F squad" was born, and we became best friends. Do you remember we even had a son together? Bob, the mini blue highlighter we passed back and forth every week (man, 13-year-olds are weird, or maybe it was just us?). I have Bob somewhere in my things.

Our first pictures taken together were in his class, and our second ones were at my house the following weekend when we went walking. We were inseparable, so much so that my parents dubbed us the "Lady Hellcats." Our teachers knew the other was nearby if they saw one of us.

Throughout 8th grade, you stayed at my house on the weekends, not wanting to stay at your dad's house. Whether you stayed living with your dad or decided to go and live with your mom in the next county over, we were not going to be going to the same high school after 8th grade, and that devastated me because I did not want to lose my best friend by not seeing you every day.

Summer came, and you decided to move in with your mom; I have no idea why I was ever scared to lose my best friend; if anything, your moving in with your mom the next county over made us even closer together. The weekend I met your mom, we went to the opening of the waterpark they had just built and spent the entire summer going there. We would switch off weeks of who stayed with who. We even went to Warped Tour together, god that was so fun. Warped Tour started our love for concerts; we had Warped Tour, 5 Seconds of Summer, Falling in Reverse, Sleeping with Sirens, and many more. However, my favorite summer with you was the summer of 2016.

While I was happy to officially be a high schooler, there were times when I felt lonely not being able to see my best friend every day (even as an adult, at 23, I still feel like this sometimes). But every weekend, every school break, was our time to shine. We went to the movies, went out to eat, walked to McDonalds, and did everything we could over breaks.

I could talk about all the shenanigans we would get into for hours, walking around the neighborhood at my house and going to the mall if we were at your house. Making videos of us singing in the car, doing our makeup for fun, going to the skating rink, going to boys' houses when we could finally drive, and going to Atlanta just because we could drive ourselves when we were 16. Drinking at your house (and getting drunk) for the first time because your mom was so cool, just for us to go to six flags hungover the next day and leaving early. Smoking weed together for the first time ever, sneaking out of your mom's house, and jumping over a guard rail because we saw a car coming. Going to the lake together. Taking you with me on family vacations out of state because I wanted my best friend with me. Telling you about this boy that I fell in love with. Growing up and graduating. You gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Me marrying that same boy I told you about all those years ago.

We were girls together… Oh, how I miss that.

How I miss the girl that wouldn't take anyone's shit.

I miss the girl who saw her worth, knew her worth, and did not accept anything less.

You met this guy just about 6 months ago? Even saying that makes it seem short, but I know the days are longer than the months, so it seems. He has dimmed your light so much. He has made you question your sanity, made you think you're crazy. Constantly checking your phone, yelling at you to delete your social media. Wanting to Facetime you to see what you were doing when you weren't with him to ensure you weren't lying to him. When you told me that, I told you this would end badly, I told you you needed to get out and leave that man, that he had no business being in a relationship if he was like that, that you had no business being in a relationship with a man that controlling a month into the relationship… But you did not listen to me, you ended up finding and moving into an apartment with this man a month ago.

I told you it would end badly, and I was right.

God, did I wish I was wrong.

I was making dinner with my husband when I got multiple videos from you just a couple of days after officially moving in with this man. The videos of you crying, your face bloodied and bruised. Your shirt had a lot of blood on it. I broke down to my knees seeing that, crying in fear for my best friend, crying in fear for your daughter, my niece (thank god she wasn't there). You told me not to tell anyone; that you started it, that it was your fault that you had started an argument with him. I think that broke me down even more. To see my strong-willed best friend say it was her fault? It couldn't be the truth.

What you don't know, although I know deep down you probably do know, is that I told your mom. She tried to get it out of you the next time she saw you without telling you I told her, but you lied to her, saying it was an accident; without being able to help you, we decided to lay low, keep an eye on you from a distance. I kept checking in on you; you said it was the alcohol and that he was a really great guy until he got alcohol in him but that y'all would stop drinking altogether, and it would be fine. I am not religious, but I prayed that you were right; I prayed that you knew what you were doing and that you would be alright.

Three weeks ago, I got a text from you saying, "he got arrested," and I admit, I felt relief for maybe a good 5 minutes until I got the voice message from you in tears saying the reason he got arrested was because he almost killed you and the neighbors overheard and called the cops. I guess the both of you were drunk again and got into an argument, and it escalated from there; of course, you blame yourself for getting him arrested. In my opinion, it's better to have him arrested than to have you dead.

It's not your fault, Cass. Please believe me when I say that. No one ever deserves to have someone they love put their hands on them, no matter how many arguments get started. It's not okay. It will never be okay.

You called your mom, thank god, and she tried getting you out of that apartment, I tried getting you out of that apartment. I told you that with the arrest charge, you could have gone to the leasing company and gotten out of your lease without penalty. I gave you the domestic violence hotline number. But you didn't want to do that and didn't use the number. You didn't want to leave the apartment you worked hard for. You didn't want to leave him either, you love him. That if you stop with the arguments and drinking, it will be all okay. I want to believe you, I do, but, I don't, and I can't.

He's back at the apartment, and you told me it hasn't gotten physical since. I don't believe that. You have bruises on you, but I can't keep bringing them up because you shoot me down. You complain about him making you Facetime him when he leaves for work and how he checks your texts so you say not to text you about certain things.

I can't tell you how mentally exhausting this has been for me because I know this has been even harder on you. You need someone in your corner since your mom has decided to keep your daughter with her since you won't leave the shared apartment. I can't keep telling you it's not your fault and that you need to leave before something worse happens; you won't listen to me. Please listen to me; I am begging you to listen to me.

You keep saying you only have him in your corner now, but you have me.

I haven't left, as much as I want to, because this is taking a toll on me. I haven't, and I can't, knowing that something might happen and you might need me; I can't leave.

Remember when I feared I would lose my best friend when we didn't go to the same high school? That fear was nothing compared to this fear right now.

Knowing you stay with him daily; knowing I might lose my best friend in the worst possible way. That fear is indescribable.

I love you, Cass. I hope you finally realize your worth again and leave that poor excuse for a man. I want you to be safe and happy.

Sincerely,

Vera, your BFF4L

P.S.

God,

Please touch down on my best friend. Please give her the strength that I cannot give her. Please keep her safe. Please help her in any way you can. I know I haven't been much. I know I am probably not in your graces for being non-religious, but she is. I know she has to be on your radar. Please.

Amen.

To anyone reading this that might have resonated with this,

You're not alone.

You're not at fault.

You are loved, and I know the people in your life are worried for you.

Strangers you have never met before are worried for you.

It is never too late to get help to form a plan to get out.

No love is worth the risk of your life.

There are so many resources to help out, please use them.

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-7233 or Text BEGIN to 88788