a letter to a man i let down

Dear Sir,

I honestly dont know how to start this since i dont have the right to write any of this. However, i just feel like i need to write something to you sir. I never got to met you and havent really heard any stories about you, i mean it took me 8 years to finally have the courage to ask someone what your first name was. man to be honest just writing this first part i’m already emotional and i got goosebumps on my arms and neck.

Your looking down on her, seeing her hopefully smiling as she looks at someone that loves her almost as much as you do since we both know no one will ever love her more then you. At the time that i write this maybe he’s taking her out to the new fancy restaurant that everyone raves about or planed a surprise backyard dinner just for the two along with a new bouquet of flowers that remind her of their first date. However, on the other hand probably just a handful of miles away your shaking your head in disgust and anger at a young man typing up words on a laptop as he sits on bed thinking what if. What if i didnt fuck everything up from the start. Could i have done the thing that you wanted someone to do. For someone to gather up all the braveness and courage and ask that little girl of yours if they can buy her a bouquet of flowers, and ask a question that you probably feared would eventually come when you first held her in your hand and be able to receive a certain three letter word thats positive. We’ll never know because sir even though i did honestly have the best intentions i sorta ruined any chance didnt i. You probably had popcorn as you laughed at me those years ago, attempting the impossible.

I’m not a dad but i’ve always assumed that you wanted her to grow up and find a man that was a 5 star quarterback or the team captain of the basketball team that wins state, the man that had all kinds of money and all the fanciest cars let alone the perfect outfits for each type of event- even down to the correct shoes and the matching socks. That obviously wasnt me was it sir. Never had any of that i guess maybe god wanted me to go down another road as he gave all of the better candidates those gifts.

Did i turn your head in disbelief that day that god said watch this and you saw a man go thru those doors that first sunday i did. Yea that little soul of mine thought they lets stand out and sure maybe if i stoped there and took it a moment of blessings at a time things would have turned out differently. However if i did that this would have be a 100% different type of letter.

Sir i just wanted to appolzie for letting you down, i didnt try to i promise. Despite my attempts at being one of the ones you approve of i ended up being one of the list that you would probably go take with in a car out to the woods without anyone knowing and return wiping your hands.

Still to this day i dont know what it was to get me to initially fall for that girl you held all those years ago in that tight little pink blanket. I’ll probaly never figure it out but the list is quite long now even if its not as long as the chances i have to pull off the impossible. Not only would i probably need him to break her heart but i would need her to bypass the entire list of contenders for this jobber in this case. Plus then i would have do something im scared i wouldnt be able to do- not mess it up …again.

With that being said, i’ll like to end this on a positive. A thank you i suppose. I might never get to say this to her . it made me better in the long run didnt it. Maybe one day ill be able to write that letter tho,