A Juneteenth celebration showed me how I no longer fit in

During the past decade, there has always been a Juneteenth festival in a local park on the Saturday closest to June 19. Juneteenth acknowledges the date when the slaves in Texas got the news that they were free. Free food and drinks were provided and there were booths from local organizations offering information on things like signing up to vote, clean water, obtaining a library card, or tips on nutrition. Sometimes there would be companies taking applications for jobs. There would also be speeches, music, singers, and dancers. There was no Juneteenth observation in 2020 and this year there was a celebration in a different local park.

I decided to go and I am glad I did because I learned that much has changed. As I neared the park a group was singing and when they finished a woman took the mic and said the song was about women's empowerment. This was the first thing that made me uncomfortable. It used to be that when African Americans had events in local parks whether religious, political or otherwise, the individuals on the platform stuck to the purpose of the gathering and did not get off the subject.

A Juneteenth festival was not the time, in my opinion to champion women's rights but this is the way of the younger generation. The woman speaker had just as much right to make her statement as I did to feel it was inappropriate. I noticed that the majority of people in attendance seemed to be in the 35-45 age range and I am 63 so I know the generation gap is real. Truthfully, people in my age range are dead or dying and have moved or been pushed aside by younger voices with different agendas. This is pretty startling but there is nothing to be done about it, accept acknowledge it, and keep moving.

For the past 10 or 12 years, the food, drinks, water, and snacks, for Juneteenth would be donated and were free. This year there were tables set up where individuals were selling for profit. This included Tee shirts, handbags, and various clothing items. The atmosphere of community and connection was gone and replaced by a spirit or energy of entrepreneurs, trying to make a buck. I used to walk through Juneteenth and speak to people I knew and enjoy the conversation and seeing familiar faces. There were hundreds in attendance today but I did not see one person I recognized and the atmosphere was unfriendly.

Everyone seemed self-absorbed and no one was mingling. I did not see people talking while social distancing or giving fist bumps. Having said that, my daughter and her children enjoyed the festivities and somehow I missed them while I was there. My point is that I realized today that something has changed and I have unwittingly changed with it. I no longer fit in because I have aged. I never wanted to turn into the older opinionated woman that I saw often when I was young but indeed I have. I felt so all alone as I walked around the park and at times I thought I must have been invisible as no one seemed to notice me.

I thought of so many of my generation who were not able to come because they had passed on and others who were home-bound or in the hospital. The park that hosted Juneteenth this year is about a mile from the street in the back of my house. It was a pretty Saturday and I was not sure about the parking so I walked which gave me 2 miles both ways. I looked at houses that used to be beautiful but now had aged. The original owners are deceased and some homes have fallen apart, been turned into duplexes or rooming houses.

Once well-kept lawns are now nothing but dirt and instead of older couples sitting quietly on their porches, there were young people blasting loud profanity-filled sexually explicit music. On my way home I realized that if I had asked I don't know one other person I knew who would have been able to walk with me and I gave thanks that I am in good health for my age. So there I was walking all alone, looking at the decay and changes of a once lovely neighborhood, hearing music that I never thought anyone would play in public without shame.

I thought of the RUN DMC hit "It's like that and that's the way it is" because it's true. Time has marched on and I am one of a decreasing number of baby boomers who used to rule. I passed a few churches where there used to be hundreds in the seats on Sunday mornings and now those who remain are so few they can barely keep the doors open. I stopped belonging to a specific church long ago which is another way I do not fit in with those of my generation.

So here I am at 63 years of age unable to relate to others of my faith views because I do not attend church as I used to, No one else can walk, run, jog, or climb mountains with me except my 40-year old son. I refuse to walk in a mall with a group of seniors when I can get fresh air and sunshine in the great outdoors, so that's out. There are more younger people in places I used to go because those of my generation have died or are in poor health.

This is a natural part of life but when you are on this side of it is really an eye-opener. My husband has passed on so actually I am alone but I am not lonely. I enjoy solitude but when I do go out it would be nice to have someone my age to mingle with. I understand why and accept that I do not fit in but I don't like it. There is nothing I can do about it except to be me, myself, and I and roll with the punches. I am taking the attitude that I am custom-made and don't need to fit into any molds based on my age.

I grew up in an era where books and magazines said to be friendly and talk and dress like others so you would fit in. In today's society teens are encouraged to be themselves. I have always been the one who did not fit in as I was the skinny one, the nervous one, the shy one, the light bright damn near white one, and the awkward one. So now I am finding I might be the only one in my age bracket among my associates who can scale a mountain and walk 4 miles without breaking a sweat and so be it.

I may find I am the only senior at certain events and I will take them one at a time. I might stay in one while walking away from the other. If anyone wants to disassociate with me because I no longer sit in a building every first day of the week then it's their loss. Should I have to go it alone regarding certain activities then I will do so bravely and keep marching on.