A Conversation in my Head

Coming back from dinner Samira felt so upset. “Of course, everyone had to come back to the dorm too. I just want to escape from everyone around me” Samira said in her head. So, she left the room to go take a shower.

“I just feel so alone,” Samira thinks. “People act like they get it, but they don’t. And the worst part of it is that I have no one to talk to about what I’m thinking. How can I tell my friends when it’s about them?”

“It’s hard because you don’t want them to take it to heart. And it’s also based on past experiences and how in these situations it always reminds you about that,” a voice says.

In this moment, Samira unfolds old wounds. In chorus class, Samira would sit in the middle of her two other friends, Astrid and Anna. They would talk to each other while Samira would just sit there trying to find something to say, but not being able to relate since they would be talking about a class they had before with each other.

Samira snaps back to reality.

“Yes, exactly. I just feel like it’s me. Am I the problem? Is something wrong with me? Feeling like the odd one out or the third wheel in every friend group I’ve had in high school has just got me always thinking back to that when in these situations.”

Samira remembers in high school when she was at her lunch table and her friends were all being weird and doing random things. They would all laugh at those little things, but Samira didn’t find it funny. Sometimes she would fake a laugh or a smile. She didn’t really know how to act, so she would just sit there silently trying to find the right things to say.

“I know I don’t talk much sometimes, but I genuinely don’t know what to say. I feel like I was more outgoing in high school, but now I’m quieter because I’m used to being talked over and feeling like a third wheel.”

Samira breaks down, her tears blending in with the drops of water pouring down from the shower. Once she steps out and gets dressed, she tries to collect herself. Samira walks out of the bathroom and enters her dorm room, her roommate and friends being inside. Putting her stuff down, they could tell something was up. Her roommate, Jasabelle, came up to hug her. At that moment, Samira started crying.

“What’s wrong?” Jasabelle asks.

They continued to comfort Samira.

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to,” Jasabelle says.

Samira didn’t say anything. After she collected herself, Jasabelle asks if she wants some alone time. Samira responds by saying yes, so Jasabelle and their friend Lilly step out. Samira cools off and doesn’t end up telling them about her thoughts. She’s already told them before and they did understand. That’s why Samira doesn’t blame them 100%. She knows she struggles with trying to be a part of the conversation sometimes and how to act.

“It’ll blow over anyway and it’s bound to happen again. It’s not like an issue that can be resolved. It’s mostly how I feel and think. I just want to find the right friend group where I don’t feel like this, but I don’t know how if I’m scared to talk to people in the first place,” thought Samira.

At this point, Samira watches her show on Netflix to calm down and let her mind breathe. After her show finishes, she goes to sleep putting these thoughts to the back of her mind.