A Brick Wall

From the beginning I was warned yet failed to see reality..... This story is a real story so don't think it has a fairytale ending. If you are looking for such a story do not continue. As children specifically girls who watch Cinderella and The Little Mermaid we tend to believe that fairytale endings do exist and maybe they do , but not in this story. This is the story of a broken girl chasing a sense of belonging or a broken man behind a brick wall. In fact this story could intertwine both as such each person is their own and has a hidden agenda behind why they do what they do regardless if it is a conscious or unconscious matter. This story although not exact as 1000's upon 1000's of other women is a story that many women can relate to. It is the story of a women who falls so hard for a man and allows herself to hold on so tightly to the belief that he will come around, that he will realize how much he loves her too! How many of you have brought yourself to this same conclusion ? I know I can not possibly be alone in this. I know that although I have felt at times I am an exception I am not. I know that at times I have felt maybe I am just one of those crazy ones I am not! Point is I believe I am not alone in this and want to share with anyone who feels alone so you too see you are in fact not alone. It may or may not help , but maybe it gives a temporary ease to your soul. Maybe it clears up some of your thoughts. Maybe it helps to see that you can survive this heartbreak and come out stronger than ever. Although I feel so weak right now I want to provide others in my position with the STRENGTH to SURVIVE! I want to tell you that this can be a lesson learned. I want to tell you that at least you know you fought and did everything you could. I want to tell you that you DESERVE better. I want to tell you so much, but unless WE believe it WE can not move on. YES I said WE! I say WE because no matter how alone I feel at this moment I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Although we are separated by cities and states the same pain and longing exists.

I didn't see all of the signs. The red flags from the start that you are supposed to notice. I didn't think about the fact that he literally just got out of an almost decade long relationship with his children's mother. I didn't see that he said I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. I didn't see he was non-commital. I didn't see that he resisted to lables. I didn't see that he was so closed off. I just didn't see. The saying love is blind I guess is somewhat true because I could not or did not allow myself to see all of the signs that existed. Maybe deep down I knew in the begining , but I chose to ignore them because I thought I was different. We all convince ourselves we are different right? I am not like all the other woman I am special and he will have to realize it one way or the other. Who has said this? I did for one and I continued to say it for almost three years until I was left with nothing. Until I completely lost all my self-respect. Until I completely was left with nothing but a broken heart that I in fact caused to be more broken that it had to be.

From the start I was all in whether it was due to my co-dependency and attachment issues I cannot confirm. All that I know is their was something about him. Something different that I sensed from the moment I first saw him. None of it made sense to me. He wasn't anything special. He was basically a middle aged cook. No real career, no 401 K , not rolling in the dough. None of that mattered though because in my eyes from day one I allowed him to appear perfect. I set him up on a pedestal so high that I never fully reached it. I tried and tried to and sometimes I felt as if I was so close to it so close to opening up his heart, but in the end it never happened . Who can relate to this? Who is feeling every word ? I know I can not be alone. We shall see. To be continued....