A boy's vulnerability is well hidden.

During 156 days together, I have seen my boyfriend's humorous side, considerate side and calm side.

But about his anxiety, about his confusion, about all his negative emotions, I really did not capture.

Because of this, my friends often envy me for finding a "perfect boyfriend".

I have to admit, my boyfriend is really willing to long-distance relationship, can give me enough security.

For example, he doesn't mind working hard and will come to my city on weekends to spend just a few hours with me.

For example, he would tell me before a meeting, and he would get a reply message after the meeting. He never went silent.

For example, when I was too late to come down for dinner, he would order takeout for me with a note saying "No scallions".

But one day, he lost contact for an entire afternoon, and finally I had to ask his close colleague for information, only to learn that he had a fever of 39℃ and went to the hospital alone.

In my mind, I had an image of him staggering in line, but it was unreal, because I had never seen him vulnerable.

Soon after, he replied, saying he was not feeling well that afternoon and had taken leave to go home and sleep.

What's wrong? I asked. Did you go to the hospital? How are you feeling now?

He changed the subject by saying that the cat had been acting up again.

I understood that he didn't want me to know that he had a high fever and was going to the hospital alone, and I cooperated by pretending not to know.

After that, I began to wonder: How much vulnerability did he hide during our time together?

When I complain that I'm too busy to come down to dinner, he's probably distracted by a bunch of code bugs.

When I joke with him to menstruation back pain, he may be difficult to reconcile the family contradiction has been continuous insomnia for several days, is a headache;

When I indulge in the happiness of rare meet, and dragged him out of the restaurant, he may have been too sleepy, just want to have a good sleep.

I suddenly realized that I was always sharing the details of life with him and teasing him about the trifles.

By contrast, most of what he shared with me was good news: sleeping late but not late, a new skin for the game, a small raise for the next month, canceled business trips.

I call his act of hiding vulnerability "considerate," but I can't help but reflect on myself:

Am I a good girlfriend? Why won't he talk to me?

Later, out of concern for not putting more pressure on him, I gradually stopped expressing negative feelings towards him and freed myself from thinking that I needed him.

But our "thoughtfulness" backfired on our relationship and eventually we drifted apart, becoming exes.

After breaking up, my friends always feel sorry for me, after all, such a "perfect boyfriend" is really rare.

Two people like each other and are good at thinking about each other, why would they get separated?

When I look back on the relationship, IT's still a shame, but I'm also very aware of what went wrong.

As the boyfriend, he was tired of playing the "perfect boyfriend," but he underestimated my receptivity to his negative emotions;

As a girlfriend, I pretended not to know his vulnerability was tiring, which meant pushing him away while controlling negative emotional output.

Many people deliberately hide their negative emotions in relationships by playing the "perfect boyfriend" or "perfect girlfriend,"

But when the perfect filter is broken, the first feeling it brings to the other party will not be happiness but alienation.

Expressing vulnerability and softness is actually the best way to give each other a sense of security and bring the relationship closer.

So next time, I want to be in a relationship without the perfect filter.

I hope I can cook porridge for him when he is sick, I hope I can help him digest unpleasant thoughts together, I hope I can share his troubles and pressure, I hope I can be his closest person.

I want to tell him: I love you, even with your vulnerability.