8 Hours of Misery

In the summer after my divorce I was determined to change my life for the better. I had started working out and it showed. I got rid of the mid-30's, unhappily married lady bod and turned into a toned and lean woman of the hour. I started dating again, feeling empowered and beautiful in a way I hadn't often felt during my 10-year relationship with my ex-husband.

Unfortunately, being freshly unmarried left me with certain habits that were hard to realize, and even harder to dismantle. I was not used to being alone, despite how alone I had felt for the past decade. I thought that every date I went on was something that would last forever and found it quite discouraging to have a wonderful time with someone only to never hear from them again. No matter how good my physical body had started to look, my mentality was still that of an insecure wife, longing for partnership and connection. And this was something easily, though unconsciously, conveyed to each man I had the pleasure of meeting.

My work family, on the other hand, knew me well and knew the struggles I had been going through. Many had become close friends of mine, getting together off shift to go to restaurants or out to the beach. They had become confidants and confidence-builders, telling me how wonderful of a person I was and how I didn't need to be part of a couple to be worthy.

Over time, my relationship with a coworker became deeper and felt more connected. He knew what I had been through. He had seen me before the divorce and knew the progress I had made after. We shared secrets. Secrets eventually led to sharing a bed and everything that goes along with that.

A few weeks after this progression started, he randomly texted me to see if I wanted to meet up at a coffee place nearby. We are both coffee lovers, so I didn't think anything of it and readily agreed. 20 minutes later and I was at the coffee shop, dressed in my favorite cute dress and ordering his favorite caffeinated beverage - just the way he liked it.

We sat outside and he thanked me for the coffee. And then a lull in conversation not normally there caused my brain to go into overdrive. The end was coming, I could feel it in my heart and in my stomach. I started to sweat, my legs started to shake, and before he could even get the words out, I had started to beg him not to. I started to work harder at keeping this minute time together from crumbling than I had worked to save my marriage. I had become devoted to him in our short time together and hearing the words, "This is becoming too much like a relationship," tore me apart. I was under the impression that it was a relationship.

But the fact that it was an unspoken relationship should have been my clue that he did not see me in the same way.

We finished our conversation and I felt as though my world was crumbling. I cried. I called my mom. I was so blinded by tears that I had to pull over and call my best friend. The tears lasted for days.

In retrospect, those tears had been welling up inside me since before I cancelled my role as a wife. I had held back the feelings inside me, claiming victory for changing the trajectory of my own life, instead telling myself that I was an all-powerful being and never allowing myself to feel the loss and guilt and shame that came along with the failure of a long-term relationship. Unfortunately for my co-worker-turned-lover, the tears came out as if they were about him.

For the entire rest of the year I tried my hardest to be the person he would want to have a relationship with. I allowed myself to be at his beck and call, which he took full advantage of. When we got together he told me that he had missed me for the weeks or months since we last saw each other. Each time these words fell from his hungry lips, my heart ate them up as if it was starving for affection. I believed him. I held onto the hope that one day he would profess his love for me; profess that I had won in my work to become his.

While the breakup and subsequent on-again-off-again was embarrassing enough, the second time I fell victim to my own beliefs that I was winning at a game he wasn't actually playing was worse. Everyone at work had figured out by then that this game of cat and mouse was going on - I as the desperate and hungry cat, and he as the clever mouse always keeping me close but at bay.

Instead of meeting up for coffee this time, I received a well-timed text. I was on my way to work and picking up coffee as I usually do, when I heard the ding go off. The special ding I had designated as his so I would be able to answer quickly before he vanished into thin air again.

Ding. Another one! I was so excited to hear from him that I pulled into a parking space and quickly read the messages.

"Hey. I met someone and I think we're going to start sleeping together soon, so I want to be respectful of her and end things with you before that happens."

"Have a good shift."

By the time I got to work my eyes were swollen and red from crying in the car, my face covered in lines of unmistakable tears. Unable to pull over due to the possibility of being late, I had to cry on the way. Multi-taking gone terribly wrong. I was still sniffling as I walked up the stairs to get to my office. I was still red-faced and teary-eyed when I took report from my counterpart.

Since word had gotten around that he and I had been a thing, everyone knew why I was so upset. What I didn't know, however, was that his new interest was someone we all worked with, who happened to be there when I got there. She saw me crying and upset. She knew why. She still dated him.

From time to time I would see them talking. They would stand in the hallway and make plans, twenty feet from where my desk was. They would go on breaks together and leave together.

I remained professional throughout while I was at work. But cried myself to sleep most days when I got home. My self-worth was at an all time low. I went inward and focused on working hard and getting my confidence back. I wanted to become stronger and healthier and more sure of myself so that the next time someone tried to treat me like this, I would be able to resist and stand up for myself.

And it worked. I became stronger. I dealt with everything I had held back due to my marriage dissolving. I dealt with everything I suffered through watching my coworker date someone else. I became the person I wanted to be and started living the life I wanted to live - happy, fulfilled, and not in need of another person to feel whole.

And that's when I met the man who would turn out to be the love of my life.

All that suffering and embarrassment was worth it.