4 Thoughts to My Best Friend Struggling to Choose Between Herself and Her Mother

Block out the toxic people from your life seems like the easiest advice to give anyone these days. But living this advice is the difficult part.

Especially when the toxic person in question is your mother — Ask my best friend.

She had been living with her family for almost 1 and half years due to the pandemic.

She hails from a conservative family background where being educated but better than your cousins, earning well (best in the family) and settling down in life (with a guy approved by family within the community)is the norm. And all these need to be achieved within the ripe old age of 30.

She is educated, smart, hardworking and building a life for herself but no of it is enough for her mother who reminds her daily of the “inadequacy”. According to her mom, her weight issues are the reason for her delayed marriage and her laziness is the he reason she is in a mediocre job working for her cousins.

She has been sharing all these struggles with me for a year and like any friend out there I convince her and ask her to move to a different location or parents won’t understand. But seeing her lose sleep, lock herself in room and chatting with me is a painful watch for me every week.

I want her to take action to break this toxic pattern she is getting used to.

Losing will not always amount to a loss, sometimes you have to lose those toxic relationships and bad habits to create a space for better things.” — Gift Gugu Mona

Here are all the advice I keep telling her and want to remain her of again.

I understand we don’t have it normal yet we should do the right thing

Both of our mothers have something in common — of having a history of mental health struggle.

Any decision we have taken in our life is made keeping this in our minds and we are used to years listening to them knowing very well that our mothers don’t mean the 99% they actually say.

Had they been in a different position today, they would never utter such words. Our hearts have almost become numb with the chidings and some completely indifferent remarks we get. I chose to evade this by staying in a different city and refusing to go home.

Still there are the phone calls in a day and I have to make a conscious choice to apply a filter but fail sometimes. I can imagine the tough position when we get to stay with for a year. It would be soul-crushing and harmful for her.

So please move away from your home as soon as possible.

You will be able to think with a much clearer mind.

When we keep hearing daily of your incompetency from a person you love the most here is what happens — We will start believing it

Yes, these filters will fail because these negative words are from people we hold at the highest regard. Such is the power of their words.

We have know mothers as strong women all these years, cheering for us, encouraging us to have big dreams. We had seen them suffer, change into a different personality who don’recognise the love they have for us for anymore.

No matter how much you refuse to believe , we have grown up listening to them and every word matters — that has always been our definition of respecting them and this old habit will never change.

And that’s why we are consumed with so much guilt when we are doing a anything relatively that will go against their wishes.

But this time you have to stand up for yourself and tell your life is different from their ideas for you.

Agreeing with everything our parents say is not love — it’avoiding conflict and cowardice.

Don’t ever do that.

Marriage, men, dating and the pressure

You need to question a hell a lot of stereotypes.

Starting with the definition of a “good woman” we have been taught all these years.

A good woman —studies as much as she wants, never dates anyone or does within your community, marries the guy your parents approve and gives children within two years. This woman can work but let her inlaws decide if she can give it to her parents, she has to balance work and family else give up the latter and live to ripe old age and dies (no idea if anyone else permission is needed here).

This one route to hell and people have been taking it to keep others happy.

I am sure, if you do this you will die a slow death inside. I know the lively person that you are — your brilliance in subjects, the technical expertise our has praised in front of all, your determination and above all the wonderful person you are. We dont have to set out to break these old ideas.

We can live our own rules and it could mean getting into the wrong books of people holding onto this idea including your mom.

But please don’t fall for the rut — Choose yourself!

Your opinion on beauty, weight and its relation to finding marital bliss

Don’t expect me to say body positive ideas here.

We know when we go through a matrimony site — your looks, weight, skin colour will be scrutinized by not only the guy but by his entire family. Women never have it easy but still holding on to dead ideas of filtering a person by all these criteria needs to go.

A real person we know is beyond all this.

Agreed, there are a lots people happily married who choose their partners this way. I am not here to challenge statistics but give you a different perspective. When your physical appearance is a topic of not only your family but your extended family, the groom’s family to stamp your worth as a “marrigeable” person its all wrong .

Just because everyone had been doing all these years doesn’t make it any less evil. Please take your time and choose the right person for your life.

And as far as letting people comment on your weight — Its never too late to draw your boundary.

Final Thoughts

I know the possible consequence a conservative family can give their daughter when she chooses a different path but so are the chances of them supporting you when they see your decisions making you a happy person.

Please muster the strength to live the life you want to live and to be the bad person for once.

I promise you, you would not regret this 20 years later, when you look around and see the life you have created and not living in a bubble of your parents expectations.

It’s worth it.

Article previously published in the Medium