2 AM

2 am.

Dripping sweat I kick my sheets onto the ground and roll over, frantically grabbing a glass of water off the side table. I quickly drink it without taking a breath in between, but my thirst does not feel quenched in the slightest. My mind is pounding as if someone is clanging cymbals on both sides of my head. Tears stream down my face as this is now nearing 3 weeks without a night of sleep. I feel delusional, like my mind is slipping away. The anxiety in me says to calm down so I can rest, but then the spinning thoughts work against everything I am trying to achieve.

6am

I get out of bed defeated but I brush it off. I spend all morning fueling my body with food and quiet time, resting my mind. I drive to work crying out to God about how tired I am. How I feel so frustrated and restless while hysterically crying. Then an “on” switch flips as soon as my car pulls into my work parking lot.

I climb out of the car and walk up the stairs to the center. No, not a desk job. Not anything sedentary. I work with children with special needs and I am constantly running around, on the floor playing, and working through behaviors with patience and grace.

I have a lot of patience. There is really no behavior that phases me or makes me upset because I have so much grace and unconditional love for these kids. I love my job with all my heart and my mind and body are going a million miles an hour for 8 hours straight.

4pm

As soon as I drive away, I am quickly reminded of how much my body is suffering. I down some water and abrasively slap my cheeks to stay awake. As soon as I get to my house, I open the door and after taking 3 steps, collapse on the rug. I still don’t fall asleep but my entire body feels numb and listless.

6pm

My mind starts realling about food. What should I make, what will keep my body from going haywire at night?

7pm

I long for the days where sleep was something I never really thought about. I looked forward to resting my body. Now I was finding myself anxious of tossing and turning, feeling ill, and having to endure a night of restlessness with the best case scenario of 1-2 hours of sleep.

This was my cycle. Every day for an entire month and then, in the only place I had an “on switch” I snapped.

I lost grip of myself and completely lost it in front of a coworker. I was defeated in every way possible and went home early.

My mind, ambitions, joy; everything good in me was gone.

I called my friend saying I didn’t want to live anymore. I could not take this another day longer. I cried until my king size pillow was completely drenched in salty tears.

My friend then told me, “I wish you had as much grace for yourself as you did for the kids you work with”

That hit me.

I’m a giver. I love to give and I love people. I work full time with kids with special needs. I am a single foster mother, I go to school, and I love sharing my joy with others in any way I can. But I hate myself.

I would never talk to myself the way that I talk to the kids I work with. I would never think of myself that way, ever.

My body was worn down.

Worn down by taking all kinds of heavy duty medicines at a young age because I was convinced something was wrong with me. Coping poorly when those medications did more harm than good. Worn down by always telling myself I needed to be perfect and striving without realizing that I was. Worn down from giving everyone around me 100% and giving myself nothing.

But I mostly was worn down by also believing that God saw me that way. That I needed to strive to earn grace, when it was always free for me.

That next morning I mustered every ounce of energy I could to drive to a small wellness food store and meet with the owner about my health concerns. Tears filled in her eyes with compassion and I learned she too had suffered from the same problems and they had progressed over the years, just like mine had.

I bought some supplements, changed my diet, and gave myself some grace.

I always knew food was a problem for me. How reactive I am to sugar and carbohydrates but sugar was also a coping mechanism and form of punishment. I prayed about fasting sugar and told God “I will do this out of obedience if you tell me to”. I am good at being obedient.

His answer surprised me when I heard “”don’t do this out of obedience. If you do, do it out of self love”.

Self love?

“Love others as you love yourself”

I am good at loving others, but I have struggled with loving myself

I sat in the quiet. I told my fear to go away. I took some vitamins and things to balance out my hormones. It was new years eve and the fireworks were shaking my house violently. Popping noises everywhere but yet, I fell asleep.

I fell asleep and I did not wake up until the morning.

When I woke up in the morning I cried tears of joy. I had never realized how much of a gift sleep is, until I lost it for so long and could not function.

But I also was grateful for grace.

6am

I grabbed my surfboard off my lanai, drove through the cliffs to my favorite spot, and plunged into the ocean. New Years Day. A new year and a fresh start. There was only one other person in the ocean with me. We talked and laughed. I saw a set coming in and paddled. I rode the line right, the farthest right I had ever taken with not a soul in the way. I looked up and the sun was rising. The sky was pink and blue like cotton candy. Every worry, fear, thought left me and I felt complete. I felt connected to God and myself.

I realized that my body was breaking down but I needed to take care of me.

That I needed to have grace for myself.

That I needed to love myself and I knew that in doing that, I would actually be able to love others better. I learned that I needed to slow down, clear my mind and stop getting angry at myself for every tiny thing I do wrong. There is joy in failure and learning from mistakes. There is joy in loving yourself. There is joy in rest and slowing down. There is joy in winding down at night with a cup of tea nestled in your covers, knowing that your body can rest in sweet dreams preparing your body for what is up ahead. That, is joy.