Today I had a Moment I Have Been Hoping For

Today I had a moment I have been hoping for. I thought about the last man in my life who didn’t want me as much as I wanted him. Instead of the thought being followed by the usual sigh…

I felt a ‘whatever’!

Zero care factor.

I had an out-breath… a big one. I breathed out all the men who had decided I wasn’t right for them for one reason or another.

I know all the ways I should look at things, but no matter how much I told myself I loved myself and those men weren’t worth it…that never rang true.

It’s like looking in the mirror and repeating ‘I love myself, I love myself, I love myself…”

Spiritual bypassing… this term refers to shoving our truth down in the name of spiritual work. Affirmations are great, but not at the expense of what is real for us.

Pretending doesn’t work and creates more shame because deep down I feel the same way I always have.

I would rather befriend my demons than pretend they aren’t there. I have beliefs like muddy tire tracks where the car keeps getting stuck and digs the tracks even deeper.

But today I felt freedom and joy. It was like that car got free and the road ahead opened up.

I thought of Leon and realized he was a man with flaws and if he didn’t ever want to make an equal effort to have me in his life then ‘bye’. No more struggle. No more resistance to what is…

And no more making it mean I am not enough.

I felt a solid sense of self and direction in my life.

And he didn’t matter.

I am enough.

I am almost scared to say it. I want to capture that moment like a firefly in a glass jar. Instead, I will release it to the stars and be grateful that the thought visited me today.

This is what’s possible.

Does the well-worn pathway in my brain of ‘I am not enough’ keep digging its groove like a car stuck in muddy tire tracks? Or does that firefly continue to light up the sky?

It’s up to me…

I have a tool. That’s what made the difference today.

‘Doing’ is the answer.

I am not sure exactly when the moment occurred today. But I know my attention was on life improvements.

Was it when I dug up my yard in preparation for new pavers? I have been improving my house and feeling strong physically after digging. Not to mention the achievement of paving. This is the third area I have paved.

Was it when I was looking up the website for rescue animals?

I was looking on the site for the saddest and thinnest cat I could find. I found her. She is middle-aged, like me, and just a plain short-haired tabby. This middle-aged girl cat has had hard knocks but might be a real treasure. I am the same.

My last cat was long-haired and beautiful. She is irreplaceable in every way. I won’t even try. She lives in my heart.

I still cry for that cat who passed seven weeks ago. I still feel sad for the man I haven’t seen for eighteen months.

It’s okay to feel sadness for however long it takes but I tend to hold on to pain and get stuck.

I don’t take new steps.

But today I had a moment of illumination.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage” Anais Nin.

I will bask in the firefly light rather than get stuck in the muddied tire tracks of old beliefs that hold me back.

I will focus on ‘doing’ whatever brings more love, authenticity, and beauty to my life.

I allow myself to feel the sadness of what I have lost, but also celebrate every baby step toward a brighter future.

Thanks for stopping by. No matter how long we have held negative beliefs they can change in a moment, just as a firefly lights up the sky.