The Struggle Of Growing Up With Emotions

I grew up, learning things that other people do. I learn how to survive, and how to adapt like others. I wanted to fit in.

Growing up, there wasn't much for being me. I just stayed quiet and learned these mixed emotions by myself.

I couldn't talk to anyone about these new feelings I was having. I thought if I shut them off, they will go away in time.

But I didn't realize those emotions were supposed to be felt. Like excitement, happiness, jealousy, and more.

I just stood quiet and pretended nobody would notice my behavior.

"Was I weird?

Am I weird?

Why do I feel weird?"

Once I got older, I learned more about emotions.

Those weird feelings I had felt weird and I didn't like it. But those were experiences for someone who was growing up.

I hated emotions, I had a mask that blocked them from showing to anyone.

I felt lost, confused, angry, and negative emotions that only stuck with me as a child.

I grew up hating people, I grew up feeling sad all the time, I grew up knowing that people don't like me, or my appearance.

I had no one to talk to, no voice to say anything. I just felt mute and since then, the word mute has become my label.

"I was mute,

Why was I mute?

What was stopping me from speaking?

Fear"

I was scared, embarrassed, shy, and nervous.

And fear is one of the human emotions...

My parents never taught me to speak up for myself, they always had my back.

But growing up feeling alone, no one was really there for me.

My head was screaming to get help, my heart was beating so fast, and my body wanted to do something about it.

Yet, what was stopping me from feeling and speaking?

Fear.

Loneliness.

And for being myself.