The First

The First

My wife had threatened to leave before, but I never really thought she would actually leave me. It was only a short time after selling our home in Bloomington that she broke the news to me. We had most likely had an argument or I had lost my temper for the umphteenth time. “I can’t live like this anymore so I’m moving to stay with my mom and I’m taking the boys.” She decided she did not want to live with a walking time bomb anymore. Looking back, I cannot blame her. I remember thinking when she told me at our dining room table that I still really did not believe she was going to leave. On May 18, 2015, I got up and went to work and when I got home, she was gone.

I do not know why I let her leave. For some reason, I thought it was what I wanted. Notice how I said, “...what I wanted.” I was selfish and stubborn and was not thinking about her and the boys’ need for a husband and a father. I only cared about my own selfish desires. I had even taken apart my boys’ bunk beds for her to take with so they had a place to lay their head. After she told me, my heart did not sink, I was not phased by the realization of losing them and I let it happen. When I walked through the door and saw a half empty house, at first, I was in shock because she actually left. Then, my pride stepped up and said, “Good riddance!” Seriously! I had a house all to myself now and could do whatever I wanted. I was free from the responsibilities of having to please her and take care of my children. It makes me sick to my stomach writing this, but it is the truth. I was broken and the Devil knew exactly what he was doing to keep feeding my ego.

I do not recall if I drank or smoked that night. Not even what I had for dinner. I do remember pushing the couch out of the way and placing my recliner right in front of the TV so that I could watch my shows in peace and quiet for the rest of the evening. I thought, “This is the life! No distractions, only me and my TV.” I had a front row seat to watch whatever I wanted and did not have to worry about compromising with her about what to watch or about one of my kids getting out of bed to interrupt my time. I am almost positive I probably watched some softcore porn on Netflix that night which probably led to hardcore stuff on the internet. Why should I care? It is not like she was going to walk in on me. No guilt! Right?

Wrong. I have guilt every time I look at porn or a lady walking down the street or ogle a co-worker. Women will not understand this, but a man’s brain becomes injured when they look at women with lustful eyes. I believe most men know with just a glance, whether or not they find someone attractive. The thoughts can persist after noticing. Ever since 5th grade, I have struggled with this phenomenon known as sexual sin. But more to come later about that…

We signed the paperwork days later on the 22nd of May to finalize the selling of our first and only home purchased together as a married couple. I remember asking how the boys were doing and how she was, only to be nice. We parted ways after the closing and I proceeded to gather the rest of the half empty house and move in with my brother, Adam. I only took what I needed and the rest went into a storage unit. I stood there looking at all of our treasures stored up in a 10x20 foot space. Almost six years of marriage and family life locked up. Would we ever clean up our marriage and clean out that unit was the burning question?

My brother was gracious enough to let me live with him temporarily until I figured out what I was going to do. The only problem was I did not know what I was doing at all. I lived with him for five months and most of the time was spent drinking and smoking weed. I laid on his couch or sat in his chair for hours just watching shows on Netflix. If I needed to fulfill my other selfish desires, I retreated to my bedroom for privacy. I have tried to explain this before about how our marriage went from us as a family to being separated and sharing custody with the snap of the fingers. The transition was so smooth like it was meant to be. Really, it was just me not wanting to accept responsibility for my actions and using this as a way out. I do not recollect if it was the first or second time she dropped the kids off at my brother’s house for me to keep them for the weekend. She had asked though if I had given any thought to getting counseling or if I knew what I wanted. I still did not and more or less danced around the question. I could tell she was feeling like she lost me completely. She wanted to try and I did not out of pure selfish, laziness. We talked on the phone several times and when you talk on the phone to someone, it is easier to hide your emotions. There was a time she called to tell me she was looking for a teaching job. I knew at that point she was preparing to stay in Knoxville with her mother and not come back. I always kind of thought she would come back, but because I did not ask her to or get help, she had to find employment to be able to provide for herself and our sons. Another time, she had the “hard talk” with me and we discussed divorce and child support. I was crying on the other end of the line and I do not know if she could tell but I tried to hide it. The separation was becoming real and I still did nothing. I kept saying, “I don’t know what I want. I’m still thinking about it.”

Eventually, I moved out on my own into an apartment in Normal. It was the same complex my wife and I had lived in when we first got married and moved from Lincoln to Normal. It was perfect for me but my oldest son did not like it. He said, “This place is no fun.” I tried to make it fun for them but we mainly just watched movies and wrestled around on the floor. I loved every minute with them but sometimes my anger would surface and I would lose my temper with them. I tried so hard to keep it under control but little things they would do set me off. In January of 2016, I started a program at Heartland Community Church called Regeneration. It is a 12-step biblical recovery program. It was great starting out and I gave up drinking and smoking weed completely. The only thing I still struggled with was the anger. While working as a loan officer, my anger came out from time to time and I was suffering because I wanted to make more money and get a promotion. Three times in a row, I applied for a Class Level 6 position to go up one level, and three times in a row, I was beaten out by another employee. The third time was the charm but not in a good way. I lost it and cried in front of my bosses and told them I could not take it anymore. I left that day and went home to be alone. Which is not the best thing for someone struggling with drinking and smoking weed.

One night while sitting alone in my apartment, my wife called to see if I had thought about filing for divorce. She put it all on me and I went along with it. I filed. I do not know why but I did just to please her thinking she would re-think things and come back. I do not know why I had this false hope but I could not let go. I also could not make a decision on what I wanted and if I wanted her and the boys back in my life. I just kept blindly going about my life expecting something drastic to change and her to come waltzing back into my arms. The end of February came along and we were still technically married so we had filed our taxes together. After our meeting with the tax advisor, I asked her to have a late lunch so we could discuss the future. I poured my heart out to her and told her I was going through Regeneration at church. I was changing and wanted to put off the divorce if she was ok with it. I would finish the eleven month program and then maybe we could see if things could be re-kindled. She agreed and I was so relieved. I thought I had gotten a second chance and knew it would not be easy. I stuck with the plan and even moved closer to her and the boys. I took a different position with my company in Peoria and moved all as part of the plan to get back together with her.

I moved to Peoria and started my new position in April of 2016. Things started off great. I was ten minutes from work and I was renting this great house out in the country that had plenty of room for the boys to run around. It was also during this time when my wife was trying to get out of her mom’s tiny house and get her own place. For the life of me, I do not know why she insisted on buying a home. I wanted her to rent so in case we got back together, we could buy a place instead. The first two homes she looked at and made offers on fell through. In a half-hearted attempt to try and get her back into my life so we could slowly reconcile, I asked her and the boys to move in with me. She was not having any luck finding a place and I had a four bedroom, two bath house all to myself. I suggested living codependently together and taking care of our boys. The home was in a great school district and I knew she could easily find a teaching job with her qualifications. I asked her to pray about it and seriously consider it. I do not feel like she did and not even a couple of days later, she declined.

This kind of messed with me, because like before, I had this hope deep down like it was all going to work out. Something inside of me was holding on to nothing. There was no us and I could not accept it. Shortly after the rejection, I started drinking and smoking again. I was struggling financially and remembered that I had our wedding rings still. Thinking I could make a couple of hundred dollars off of them, I went to a pawn shop and was sadly mistaken. They would not give me hardly anything for them. I went back home, placed them somewhere I thought I would know exactly where they were at, but I forgot. I went through every drawer and bag I could find, which there were not that many. Nothing. I thought I accidentally threw them away. Then, I thought, “Great, she is going to think I threw away our wedding rings just like I threw away our marriage.” This is when things started getting dark for me. She had called one night to see if I had given thought to re-filing for divorce again. Having lost the rings and still unsure of what I wanted, big surprise, I filed again and just a short time later on September 7, 2016, we were divorced. I was feeling like a failure and all alone. I had this big old house in Peoria all to myself with no friends or family around to hangout with outside of work. I drove to church on most Monday nights still for Regeneration but had become distant. I faked my way through some of the steps and missed the important ones of Inventory, Confessing, Repentance, and Amends. Then, on a Thursday night eight days after the divorce was finalized, I received a call from my dad. I was at my oldest son’s Open House at his new school where he would be attending first grade. He told me when I got home to call him back.

I tried to enjoy the rest of the evening with my son at his Open House. I was terrified of the call I was about to make when I got home. As soon as I pulled into the drive, I did not even get out of the car and called him. My mind kept thinking the worst that my Grandma Bobo had passed because she just went into a nursing home and had been struggling with infection. I was not prepared for what he actually told me. My cousin, who had been going through a separation too, hung himself. I had just seen him a month ago at Regeneration. He was trying to get his life together and I was so thrilled. The previous Monday before his death was supposed to have been his start night. He did not show. I texted him while there myself to see if he was still coming. No response. I texted him the following day to check on him. No response. Then to get the call that he committed suicide destroyed me. I assured my mom and dad that I was fine. They thought I was not safe being alone all the way over in Peoria but I told them I would not do anything stupid. I texted my Regeneration group in our group text that was an on-going prayer request list. They all offered lots of prayers and support. They did not want me alone either. I texted my best friend, Greg, and told him. He did not want me to be alone. My brother Adam called me and made sure I was ok. I told him I was fine and that I understood why he did it because I had thought of it myself, but that I would never do it. I then texted my wife, sorry my ex, and told her. She called me much to my surprise and wanted to make sure I was fine. She offered to talk and I promised I was fine. I dealt with it by going to buy a new TV because mine had broken earlier that week. I put a smart TV on my Best Buy credit card and went home. I drank and smoked that night and played Wii in honor of my cousin. I tried to dull the pain but it did not work. Thankfully, my work gave me two days of bereavement. I took off Friday and Monday. The funeral was Saturday and I went back home and stayed with mom and dad just to be around and show them I was still alive.

I am a poet and I wanted so badly to try and write a poem for my cousin because I knew what he was going through and thought I could put into words the darkness he must have felt. I could not gather myself enough to try and write it. The weirdest thing happened that day at the funeral. My ex drove all the way over from Knoxville to support me and be there for the family. After all, she knew them all and was just as upset by the loss. I was glad to have her there but we just officially had been divorced so it was awkward. I remember at one point during one of the many sobbing sessions I let out, she rubbed my leg in an attempt to comfort me. I really had no feeling about it but did appreciate the attempt. My aunt, his mother, got up to read a poem she had written and I missed most of it because I could not bear to think about what she was going through. I just cried. She just had knee replacement surgery, stood for the line of grieving friends and family, and then was able to read a poem all while keeping it together. I was hurting though and could not hide it so well. I had lost my wife and kids, my cousin, and was thinking about losing myself in this world.

I made it to Regeneration a couple of weeks later and had a meltdown with my mentor. He has been through so much and has a love for Jesus and a way with words that makes me smile every time I hear him speak or pray. He talked me through my struggles and prayed with me. I was able to understand better and made the decision that I needed to move back to Bloomington/Normal. The only problem was I did not know how that was going to happen because I was in a financial rut with bills and the rent I was currently paying. That is when I received one of the biggest blessings of 2016. A man in my group offered me a room in his house at no cost to me until I got back on my feet. Him and his wife were empty nesters and had plenty of room. He said, “If you move in, you’re family.” It was just what I needed to hear and have in my life at that time. For about a month, I prayed about it. I talked to my parents and my ex about it. They were not supportive. I valued their opinion but really I just needed to make the decision that was best for me. I was all alone in Peoria and did that to be closer to my ex and my sons. Mainly my sons, but I needed to better myself and to do that, I realized I needed my family and friends back in my life. At the end of October, I moved in with my new host family. It was different at first but in no time, I felt right at home. I am so thankful for them and their willingness to help me out.

All the while this was happening and during my transition back to Normal, I wrote my first poem. It is called, “To Those in Need of Hope.” I was finally able to somewhat put into words what the past seventeen months had done to me and it all led up to this first poem. I came through it though with the help of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. This is just the first.

To Those In Need of Hope

The thoughts in my mind, wading in a pool of depression and self-loathing,

Sharp like a knife, poking and prodding, blood pooling and gushing.

I’m drowning in my own hurt and misery with no end in sight,

Unless I end it all, no! I can't, I have to fight.

But why, I continue to build up walls so tall no one can reach,

I’m so lonely like a seashell left stranded on a beach.

If I could just turn my thoughts into words and share,

Then maybe someone would hear my cry and despair.

Demons attack me when I wake and in the night,

I’m surrounded by darkness, my heart slows inside.

I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating under the pressure,

Can anybody help me, there has to be a cure.

Sitting in group, wanting to share, but hide,

I’m a man, stubborn and too much pride.

In myself, but how, I’m nothing and have nothing.

Why would anyone care, they too need healing.

Suddenly, light, mercy and grace abound.

After feeling so lost in this world, I’m found.

I have meaning in life and love never felt,

No more stress with the cards I’ve been dealt.

My heart beats faster, I find peace among chaos.

He who conquered all is before me, it’s Jesus!

Hands stretched wide, calling my name,

Forgiving all my sins again and again.

Evil thoughts turn to joy and comfort knowing I’m saved,

With God on my side, again I can be brave.

Knocking down the walls and draining the pool of pain,

I will be healed of all sadness in Jesus Christ’s name.

No more darkness, light finally shines through,

He abides in me and I in him, no more blues.

Now I can share and talk, the gates are open wide.

Touching others who have no one to whom they confide.

My story starts over, again, for the last time,

Until He comes back or until I die.

I will choose to follow Him and remain,

To all my relatives gone too soon, we will meet again!