The Elephant In The Room

'The elephant in the room represents a problem or issue causing discomfort or difficulty that needs to be addressed but is probably ignored because no one wants to deal with it.'

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The concept of the elephant in the room is a subject I am all too familiar with. That is because, for all intents and purposes, I am the elephant in the room! I am the father of four children who refuse to speak to me, or even speak of me because it would be the cause of too much discomfort and difficulty.

What lies behind this problem is the history of their mother's appalling treatment of me, her infidelity, her physical violence, her lies, and her intransigent denial. Instead, she has created an image of herself as a guardian angel not far short of the virgin Mary.

My children view the past from the inside of a bubble of their mother's making. It is a bubble inside of which she is whiter than the driven snow. She has been their provider and source of comfort, security, and nourishment since they were about twelve years old.

I was painted as the obverse of all of that maternal goodness. I was the one unfairly portrayed as the bad guy. And no amount of truth will do anything to change that perception in the eyes of my children. It is called 'Parental Alienation,' and it is a crime.

That is conveniently ignoring the very significant role that I played in terms of paying for their upbringing, and a heck of a lot more I was not in any way obliged, legally nor morally, to pay for. It is also deliberately choosing to forget the enormous amount of time and energy I invested in my children's lives.

Not one of my children has any desire to step out of that bubble. Now I actually fully understand that lack of desire to confront the reality of a situation. You see I too was in denial when I found out my wife of almost twenty years was leading a double life. For about a year she pretended to be going out to work, when in fact she was galavanting across the country to spend chunks of quality time with her married lover.

In the end, I did step out of the bubble and came very close to a nervous breakdown and committing suicide. I am not in any way ashamed of that, and neither should I be. However, that is something that in lots of families is talked about, if at all, in hushed tones.

A few months ago I politely asked my eldest son to give me the addresses of my two daughters so that I could at least send them Birthday and Christmas cards. He told me that they did not want to give me that information.

I then asked him to put me in touch with his younger half-brother and he refused saying that he did not want to be responsible for any damage to his brother's mental health arising from hearing from me! This conveniently ignores the damage to his mental health he has already suffered due to being brainwashed into believing that his father does not love him. Direct contact from me just might have alleviated some of the effects of that damage.

And this reaction from my eldest son got me thinking that maybe my having any contact with him might cast a dark shadow over his relationship with his siblings. And so it is for that reason I have reached something of an impasse.

I have been the elephant in the room for almost thirty years now. Over the missing years, I made several attempts to re-establish contact with my children and failed miserably each time. I have knocked the ball into their side of the tennis court only to see them let it roll out of play. I am the truth that they dare not even so much as mention in passing, let alone have anything to do with.

And so here I am, like the big elephant in the room in the image above, trapped in that room with no way out. Except there is a way. I simply accept that I am not wanted and walk away from it. It is sad, it is a pity that things have to be this way, but I can do no more.

I have to knock down those walls that contain me, break free of the family ties that bound me for far too long, and dedicate what is left of my life to somebody who appreciates and deserves my time and energy.

I have a truly wonderful life now with my third wife far away from my exes and my four children. It is time to let it be and live my best life.