Seeds Planted

There is a saying that goes, "you reap what you sow", meaning what seeds you plant and nuture will be what you get back. Basically, if you put kindness, compassion, and love into the world, you should receive that back from the world. If you put anger and hate out there, it will come back to you as well. Sounds simple, right? But, what about the seeds other people sow into us? What happens when the people that are supposed to love you, to protect you do the opposite?

Let me go a bit deeper into this. The woman who gave birth to me, she was supposed to love and nuture me, teach me how to treat others and myself. She didn't. You see, I was the bane of her existence since the moment of my conception. She taught me that I was a burden, unworthy of her time and love. She sowed seeds of inadequacies, worthlessness, self-doubt and self-hate in me. She blamed me for a rough pregnancy. She blamed me for the nervous breakdown she had when I was 18 months old that institutionalized her for 8 months. She did the bare minimum needed to take care of me. I wasn't physically abused or neglected, I had a nice place to live, decent clothes and lots of stuff. But the verbal and emotional abuse that she subjected me and my sibling to was vicious.

So, why am I writing about it now? Because I am 56 years old, I have been in a relationship for 36 years with a man who has been fighting for his life against the damage done all those years ago and the demons that have lived in my head to this day. When I was 51, I finally managed to break free from most of the chains of self-hate and self-destruction that have bound me for so long. I say most because the self-hate part hasn't completely let me go.

I met my husband in 1989. I was 19, he was 18. We had one of those fairytale meetings. I'm talking butterflies, sparks, fireworks, you name it. Instant connection. We spent the entire night together talking. We shared one single kiss. And he owned my soul from that moment. Sounds amazing, doesn't it? The problem was, he was this amazing man, chivlarous, caring, committed, protective. And...far too good for me. I fell in love and then fell into chaos. I literally spent the next 31 years trying to convince him he was too good for me, that he deserved better than me, that I was trash and he needed to find someone else. In all that time, while he poured love and compassion into me, I was not mentally involved in the relationship. My focus was not to see him and his actions, it was to show him I wasn't who he needed. I was on a mission of self-destruction and creating a self-fulfilling prohecy, to make him leave so I could prove I was right about myself.

I was wearing blinders that would not allow me to see him. But, he never quit. I mean, there were a few times we split up. It was never for long though. Even when he moved 3,000 miles away to try to let me go. He still came back, he still took care of me, he still loved me. Most of this time, he enabled me to wallow in my darkness, to flounder, to concede to my demons. However, it wasn't because he was ok with it. I recently had the revelation that it was for him, not me. He realized early on that while he couldn't seem to beat my demons or break my chains, he could keep me safe. I know, without a single grain of doubt, that I would not be alive today if he had not found me when he did. He fought everyday against my need to destroy myself. He battled my demons, not allowing them to succeed in breaking me completely. He still does, daily.

The problem with hating yourself is that you can not succeed at anything because; 1-you won't allow yourself to succeed and 2-you convince yourself you are not worthy of succeeding. Until I could find a way to break that cycle of self-hate, I could not heal. I could not win. I could not accept his love.

Even as I write this, I am still fighting that battle. I am trying hard to completely break free of the chains that kept me from giving him back what he has given to me for 36 years. However, having at least broken free from some of that darkness, I am finally starting to see the world, to see him, to see all he's done for me. And, honestly, it's overwhelming. I feel so heartbroken that I have mistreated him for so long. He is the only person in my life who has never betrayed me. And he is the only one that I have mistreated so badly. Sure there a few people who would argue this point, but they are the ones who took advantage of my desperate need to be 'loved' all while I was rejecting his love. I gave more to people who knew how to manipulate me and how to use my fears against me than I gave to the man who has given his life to me. I have damaged him. I have hurt him. I have all but broken him. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are definitely some stress fractures. I have caused him to pull back from me in order to save himself. I have made him stop expecting anything from me. I have made him feel unloved, untreasured, unworthy. Just what that woman did to me. I refuse to refer to her a mother because she is not one. While I am finally grateful for my existence, she should never have had children.

I have spent my entire life sowing the seeds she planted in my soul. I fed the darkness, danced with demons, nutured the unworthiness. I refused to accept the love, the devotion, the compassion my husband has been trying to plant in my mind, heart and soul. And he is paying the price.

This story is the first step I am taking in ripping out the poisonous, venomous garden that has grown for too long inside me. I am trying to find the seeds I need that will grow strong, pushing out any weeds that try to find their way back in order to destroy whatever progress I make. The roots of those seeds sown so long ago run deep but it is time for them to go. I am ready for a change. I know it will not be an easy transition. I have a lot of damage to repair. But I am not going to give up. Not this time. He deserves my best, not just scraps. He has more than earned it.

I will be creating more stories along this journey. Some from the past, explaining more about what this life has been like, the struggles we've been through. Some from the current path I am starting on. And some about the hopes and plans I have for the future. I hope you will come along with me on this journey of self discovery, of learning how to give love and how to accept it. I am open to advice and suggestions, as long as they are positive. I have had enough negativity to last multiple lifetimes. Thank you for taking your time to read these words from my heart.