Knotted Roots - Part 8

The past few days felt like a daze. I was stuck in a fog where I had to choose which road to travel on. Jasper was a rough and rowdy cowboy, with a tender heart buried underneath. Greg was polished and genuinely attractive with his clean cut face and lean muscular build. The options were clear, a humble love or an extravagant lifestyle, with the world at our fingertips. I grew up fantasizing a life with Jasper, he was like a rough diamond, inclusions and all, with a love so raw, so fierce, I wasn’t sure I’d measure up. Yet, my mind swirled around the way he looked at me in the moonlight, in that ravishing black outfit. He was Johnny Cash and I was June. My skin shivered at the thought of how his calloused hands held me in a gentleness, like I was fragile, cherished. The way his stubbled beard tickled my smooth cheeks, the smell of his cologne like burnt wood and whiskey. The dizzying memory made me seek air as my body felt flushed. Hot!

I made my way to the barn where I often wandered when I felt in a rut. Sliding the heavy wooden door open, I went to a nearby hay bale and stretched across it. Spot must’ve heard me as he nuzzled my knee with his nose. “Hey big guy…” My hand gently rubbed over his whiskered snout. “Mornin’ honey bee!” My fathers voice startled me, as I almost rolled right off the hay stack. His belly laugh let me know he saw. “Pa!” I exclaimed, unable to suppress the laugh that followed. “What are you doin’ out here Pa?” “Well I was fixin’ to ask you the same thing.” A smirk pulling the corner of his lips. “Seems like you only come here when you’re either taking Spot for a ride, or…” His expression shifted to an all knowing look, like he had super powers and could read the truth behind my eyes. “Or, you’re fighting a war in that pretty lil head of yours.” His voice was firm, but I could sense that fatherly concern in his tone. Defeated, I plopped down on the hay bale, “What’s got you so befuddled honey bee.” “Do you ever just question if you’ve made the right choice?” My father’s sigh was soft, low, like he could sense that it was about my love life. “It’s just, I never thought I’d be here at such a cross road.” “What does your heart tell ya?” “I’m not sure I can trust my heart right now Pa…” My voice low, a mere whisper, twiddling a loose straw of hay between my fingers. “You know, I seem to recall something I read lately, ‘The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?’” “Where’d ya hear that Pa?” “In the book of Jeremiah.” I found that fatherly love in his eyes as he slid his arm over my shoulder and pulled me into a reassuring side hug. “Thanks Pa.” Finding myself thrown around in a storm that was only warring in my mind, I kept planning a way to escape, or how to best go about this triangle I was trapped in. “Don’t thank me honey, I’m just your overprotective father.” He chuckled, his arm giving a gentle squeeze. “Is that why you almost give these boys heart attacks?” “Eh, I really only threaten one of’em.” “One?! Who?”! “Ah! Forget I said anything dear, I need to get back to tending these stalls before Spot revolts!” He made his way back to the far end of the barn. Why would my father only dislike one? Was I that blind? I figured he’d hate the thought of his little girl falling in love with anyone. Maybe Ma could enlighten me? Before I could let another thought enter, I quickened my step to the house, hoping to get answers.

—

It’s been a few days since I attended church with Jane. I felt relieved, like my muscles have been massaged and loosened. Jane had been sending me spontaneous messages on my cell, some just asking how I was, and other times verses of scripture. I was half expecting to have seen Grace since Sunday, but she’s probably been tied up with Greg eating sushi and sippin’ champagne every night. The thought caused my back to shiver with disgust. What she sees in him, I don’t know. But what matters now, is that she’s happy. With each passing day, I found myself thinking less about Grace and more about Pa, the ranch, and myself. I wanted to focus on getting the Ranch fixed up, less distractions. I didn’t have a bible, so Jane had been insistent on daily verses. She challenged me to memorize them, to see if they made me feel anything, or provoked thought. I didn’t always feel they were special, but her efforts were appreciated. I was finishing my daily chores of the day, when I saw that metal mustang rolling into the drive again. An annoyance bubbled upwards in my center as I tryied to suppress the anger that usually followed. I found myself scanning for any sight of Grace within Greg’s car, but there was no sight of her, instead another gentleman exited, it was the banker dressed in a sharp suit. “Jasper Black! It’s been so long!” The banker's words felt forced, fake. “We don’t owe ya nothin, so what’s all this about?” I asked, letting the sharpness roll off my southern draw. “Oh come now boy, Greg said you were considering our proposition? Or did you want to negotiate the terms?” His hand was extended out in a bully move, knowing if I took the bait it’d open the door for him. Refusing to shake his hand, my eyes moved to Greg. “I thought I told you, the ranch ain’t for sale.” The banker's eyes darted back and forth between Greg and I. “I suggest y’all leave before Pa catches wind of ya. He doesn't take too kindly to unwanted visitors.” I grumbled, my tone serious as I wiped my filthy hands with a towel. “Jasper, you’re forgetting one small detail.” “Oh? And what’s that?” “Grace wants this property.” “And you think that changes things?” I challenged my chest mere inches from bumping his. I was much taller than Greg, and I couldn’t help but smirk as I towered over him. “Gentlemen, let’s take this inside. Let’s see what the old man has to say.” “Sorry, that’s not an option.” My eyes glaring at the banker, standing my ground against Greg who was practically trembling underneath the tension. The screen door from the house slammed against the siding followed by the unforgettable sound of a shotgun clicking. Pa must’ve heard them, “My boy warned ya!” Pa hollered, the shotgun resting easy in his hands, the barrel pointed towards Greg’s pretty lil mustang. “I’ll make sure ya won’t come back!” His frail voice is still thunderous. “This ain’t over! I’ll be back.” Greg and the banker quickly scurried into the car and squealed away. Pa had finally lowered the shotgun, and I joined him inside. “I had the situation handled Pa, but I must say pointing that barrel at the mustang was, well…perfect.” Pa broke the shotgun down, revealing it was empty, and we shared a boisterous laugh between us. “You seem different, son, you seem happy.” Pa stated his brown eyes shimmering like fine sand in sunlight. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I felt compelled to have that honest talk with him, to explain everything. “Pa, I want to apologize for all the turmoil I’ve put ya through. I guess I thought by coming home, I could somehow work off all the transgressions I’ve committed, against you, and well, myself. I never explained why I left, and honestly at the time I couldn’t explain it. I guess I just lost my heart when Ma passed. She was the glue holding us together, to simmer down the arguments we had.” “She had a way to ease our differences, I’ll give you that.” Pa’s eyes drifting to distant memories of her, “I received a message from one of the ol’ ladies in town who told me you had been ill recently. And something inside me said to come home, that maybe I could show you I had changed, matured, albeit scared.” “Scared?! Why’d you be scared?!” “Because Pa, you always held me to such high standards. I never achieved half of what you expected, and I felt like I had failed you. That it’d be easier to just try life outside of this sleepy lil town. To stop being such a disappointment.” “But, here you are.” “Here I am. Hoping that I was a man you’d be proud of finally.” “Jasper, I’ve always been proud of you, I was hard on you. But you never disappointed me, never! I only wanted to see you grow, to push yourself to the fullest potential! You are so much more than I ever was at your age.” He wrapped me into a hug, “Can you forgive me Pa? For leaving, for hurting you and the ranch?” “Son, I never blamed you for leaving. I thought about it myself for a few years. But if it brings peace to your mind, yes. I forgive you, and I love you” “I love you too Pa.” With a loving pat on the back, we reminisced about the ranch and fond memories of my childhood, of Ma, and we enjoyed each other's company. “We should do this more often!” “I’d love that Jasper.” My phone buzzed in my pocket, it was Jane calling, “Excuse me Pa.” Exiting the kitchen, I made my way to the porch as I answered her call. “It’s a little late for a good mornin’ call Jane!” I teased as it was only an hour or so before sunset. “Well hello to you too, cowboy!” Her accent always pulls a smile on my face. “I know it’s a bit of short notice, but I called because my parents were wonderin’ if you’d like to join us for dinner tonight.” “Oh your parents? You tired of me already Jane Cross?” Her stammering response was just too adorable to let it continue. With a chuckle I reassured her, “I’d be delighted to join y’all, thank you for the invite.” “Oh! And bring your Pa, they’d just love to see him if he’s up for it.” “No promises on that, but I’ll ask him.” I laughed, ending our conversation. I’d better get dressed and ask Pa, there’s not much time to get over there. “Pa?” “Yeah? Is everything alright?” “Yeah, that was Jane.” “Jane?” “Jane Cross?” “Ah! How is she?” “Great, well actually, her and her parents invited us to dinner tonight at their place. What’ya say? Want to join me?” “Is that even a question?! I haven’t talked to Jim and Mary in ages! I thought they’d forgotten about me! Yes!” Without hesitation we got dressed, and Pa insisted on taking the Chevelle over. Mr. Cross heard the familiar engine roaring as we entered the driveway, “I’d recognize that sound anywhere!” Mr. Cross hollered embracing Pa into a brotherly hug, “Jim!” As the two reminisced and made their way into the foyer to catch up, I found myself already ascending the stairs to find Jane. Her door was ajar, and I could see her sitting at her vanity, pinning her hair in place. As she leaned forward lining her lips, I snuck up behind her, curling an arm loosely around her neck and pulled her back into me. “Now why bother lining those pretty lil lips when all it makes me want is to lick it off ya?” “Jasper!” She jokingly elbowed me in the stomach. I freed her, putting both hands up. “I’m just being honest!” Her head shook with amusement, her dress clinging to her curvature. She spun on her stool to face me, “You’ll ruin your appetite if I let you indulge in the dessert.” A wicked smirk curled playfully, “So there’s dessert?” My hands resting on her hips, our bodies magnetic. “I can’t tell what it is about you Jasper Black, but there’s something…different about you.” “Is it a good different?” I breathed just below her ear, the hair on her neck standing up as my hot breath tickled her skin. “Dinner!” Mrs. Cross hollered causing us to separate. “After you madame.” Dinner was spent with laughs, jokes, memories, and finally ended with an apple cobbler. “I’m stuffed like a pig!” Pa said rubbing his belly, “Come let’s talk on the porch, we’ll leave the youngin’s to clean up.” With a nod, I gathered everyone's plates while Jane gathered the glassware and utensils. I rolled up my sleeves, revealing my thick, chiseled forearms as I began scrubbing the dishware. I pretended not to see Jane’s wandering eyes, as we talked about our week and how our parents were enjoying the night. “What about you Jane? Are you enjoying your night?” “Don’t be silly! It’s always a joy with you around!” “Oh?” “Come on, I want to show you something.” Wrapping up the last few glasses, I dried my hands and followed Jane back to her bedroom. “Close your eyes!” Without a word, I sat on the edge of her bed, eyes closed and sat there patiently as I could hear her rummaging through a drawer. “Hold out your hands.” I cupped my hands together in front of me, eyes still shut, and felt a light smooth piece of paper in my hands. “Open!” As my eyes flashed open, I was holding an old photograph of me with a trophy I’d won at the rodeo for bull ridin’. “How’d you?” “Shh! Look!” I looked at the photograph again, my brows knitting together as Jane flipped the photograph revealing a note that read. “I finally did it! Hope you’re proud of your cowboy!” My eyes watered briefly as I recalled the pride I had that day, the confidence it gave me, like I was untouchable. “You kept this? After all this time?” I asked, replacing the photograph with her in my hands. “I saw you for what you was, and for who you’ve always been, Jasper.” There was a sultry tone to Jane’s voice, the way her lipstick added a pop to certain words, the way her flowery perfume wafted over my nose, making me want to breathe deeper, longer. “Jane…” I breathed, lips brushing against hers, “I’m not good enough for you Jane.” “I don’t believe that…” “What do you believe?” “I need to be honest with you Jasper.” She pulled away, turning her back towards me, her head dipping like she was finding courage. I placed my arm around her, “I’m listening.” Jane’s body felt like it was quivering, tense. “I’m in love with you Jasper Black.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, Jane Cross was in love? With me?! “How long?” The tone in my voice was unreadable, dark. “Remember when we ran into each other on the mountain ridge? How I told you about letting go, how it felt?” The realization hit hard, like my heart stopped and then started again as if trying to catch up to the missed beats. Jane had been in love with me for all those years, before I left, before Ma passed away. I never gave her a second thought as I was always so consumed by Grace. “Jane…” “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” She recoiled, pulling away from my arms. I quickly grabbed her by the shoulders, pinning her against the wall before she could run off. “Tell me that again.” My body pressed hard against her, my hands sliding to her wrists as I raised her arms above her head. My chin dipping dangerously close to her neck once more, this time my breathing became heavy, like a primal need for her ignited in my soul. The look of shock and slight panic was quickly erased as I planted light kisses below her jawline. “I love you Jasper…” This time Jane’s voice was heavy, that sultry tone returning, the way she pressed against me, as if begging for more. I released her taking a step back, my chest still heaving from the encounter. “Forgive me, I…it’s just that, I’m trying to change Jane. I’m trying to be a better man.” “Jasper, nobody said you had to change. And you’re a fine young man. Why’d you go changin’ who you are? Is it because of Grace?” Her words sounded like a challenge. “Actually, no.” I shook my head, stepping forward to reduce the space between us again. My finger found that soft spot under her chin, “It’s because of you.” Before I gave her a chance to respond, before she could speak, I kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, her lipstick tasted like fresh strawberries. The way my chest fluttered, the way my eyes blinked rapidly as the kiss ended. I’ve never experienced this when I was with Grace. It was like sparks bounced off of us, and I knew Jane could feel it as well. “Kiss me again…” Without hesitation I kissed her again, just as gently, long, slow. Savory. “My, my cowboy…” “I could say the same.” Our eyes danced like fire, “But, there’s something I got to do first, before this goes any further.” I began, her brows furrowing, “What’s that?” “Well, I got to tell your father.” She breathed a sigh as if relieved, “I’ll pray for you, you’re goin’ to need it.”