Knotted Roots - Part 7

The air was brisk, a light wind blowing through the screened windows as I rolled over to catch the sun’s light peeking over the mountaintops in the distance. With a large stretch, I rose from a restful slumber. My feet didn’t drag across the wooden beams like they had been the past few days, nor did my chin hang low. In fact, this morning felt like a new beginning all over. I thought I had already started over when I came home to take care of Pa and the ranch, but now I think, I shed something from my past. Grace made her decision, she may have tugged on my heart for all those years, but like Pa once said. “Never be so thirsty that you drink from every cup presented to you, that’s how you get poisoned.” His voice echoed in my head, crisp and clear from all those years ago. I never gave my father much credit growing up, I always thought he was hard to impress or that he was never happy with me. Except, now that I’ve returned home, I’ve never seen him so content, so happy. I just hope he’s proud of the man he built. Maybe one day I can explain things, but for now. It’s worth it just seeing Pa enjoy the rest of life in ease.

After an early shower and what felt like way too long to paste my hair in place. I found my Sunday best in the closet, a dark blue suit, perfectly tailored to me. A loose bright white buttoned shirt, adding that rugged flare while keeping the pressed lines of the outfit. My shiny leather boots peeking from under the slacks. My white cowboy hat, donning my head with my hair perfectly tucked underneath. Shaving my beard to a sharp, thin shadow. I hated having a bare face, something about having facial hair was what separated boys from men, perhaps that’s just how I was raised, and to add, the ladies have never complained. I slung my suit jacket over my shoulder as I descended the staircase, placing it on the coat rack while I prepared breakfast. Fresh pancakes, bacon, and hashbrowns. I poured a fresh glass of orange juice and sat in peace for the first time in ages. “Smell’s like a Sunday breakfast!” Pa said his nose was flaring as he eagerly fixed himself a plate and sat at the table. Pouring himself a glass of orange juice as well. We sat in blissful silence as we ate, until Pa’s eyes finally stretched across the table and saw me dressed for church. “You’re dressed mighty fine this mornin’” “Well of course Pa. You and Ma always taught me to dress the best for the Lord.” “Since when do you go to church?” Pa eyed me inquisitively. “Well, I don’t.” My words dry, honest. “Does a certain lady friend have something to do with this?” Pa pressed, like a detective trying to break a criminal. I couldn’t meet his eyes, I was still heartbroken from Grace. I was broken, wounded. “They say it’s a place to find yourself again. That’s what I intend to do.” My voice just above a whisper, my eyes fixated to my fork toying with my hashbrowns. “I’ll pray for you son.” Pa said as he stood up from the table. My eyes never lifting to his until his hand touched my shoulder, and he began praying aloud. I closed my eyes, head bowed, and just tried to stop thinking, to stop feeling. “Father, you’ve brought my son home after all these years. I know he says it’s because of me, but, I think you have bigger plans for him Lord. Show him your love, your mercy, and may he find healing. Lord, I’ve never been more proud of my boy, until this morning. I gift him into your hands, into your will. Bless him, as you have blessed me with him. In your holy name, I pray, Amen.” I didn’t know I had been crying, until Pa wrapped me into his arms, a moment so rare, I don’t recall the last time it occurred. “Now go freshen up, can’t make you late for the Lord.” That’s when I saw Pa had some tears as well, and he looked so proud, like I gifted him the world. Burdenless. As I splashed some water on my face, I couldn’t help but notice how freed I was beginning to feel. Glancing at my watch that I only wore on occasions as such, I needed to get going soon if I was to pick up Jane as planned. As I rounded the hallway corridor and went to go through the front door I heard Pa call for me. “Jasper, wait! I want you to do me a favor since you’re headed to town.” “Yes Pa?” He handed me a pair of car keys, and I instantly wrapped my father into another warm hug. “Take her for a ride, besides, the ladies love it.” With a knowing smile, I felt like a child on Christmas as I rushed to the garage where Pa’s most prized possession was, the 1970 Chevelle, Black with a double white stripe from the hood over the top. The engine roared to life, the light vibrations felt in the seat. It was kept in model condition, and I was overjoyed as I whipped it down the drive and onto the dirt road.

I pulled into Jane’s driveway, her parents enjoying coffee on the porch. I stepped out, placing my hat atop my head, “Good mornin’ Mr. and Mrs. Cross.” I greeted as I gave Mr. Cross a respectful and firm handshake and tipped my hat to Mrs. Cross. “Jasper! We could hardly believe our ears when Jane told us you were comin’.” Mrs. Cross’s eyes raked me over with an approving nod. “Just what are your intentions Jasper?” Mr. Cross asked, a hopeful grin on his face, although his eyes flared caution. “Well, I was hoping to get to know Jane better. I mean, it’s been so long, and when she asked me to come to church I couldn’t say no.” Mr. Cross appeared to be accepting of my answer, I wasn’t lying, but there was something to Jane I just couldn’t put my finger on. She helps me repose. Just then, the front door opened and Jane walked out. It took everything to keep my jaw from slacking, she was ravishing in white lace dress, glittered boots, and her hair pinned so elegantly. I’ve never seen Jane outside of her comfortable shirt and jeans, or muddy boots. “Mornin’ Jasper.” Something about her voice, the way she was dressed, she wasn’t the same ole’ Jane I saw before, no. Before me was a woman, a fierceness in her eyes, yet poised. “You look lovely, Jane.” My eyes flickering as if I was really seeing her this dolled up. “That’s a mighty fine engine you got back there.” Mr. Cross cut our eye contact with his words, as he pointed towards my fathers Chevelle. “It's a 1970 with a roaring engine in mint condition. Drives like a beauty. Maybe after church, I can take you for a spin Mr. Cross.” His eyes lit up at the thought. “I’m goin’ to hold you to that.” He said, delight in his eyes. With Jane clutching her bible to her side, “Jasper, we’d better get goin’ to make it to church on time.” Extending my arm for her, I escorted her to the passenger side, and chivalrously opened the door and helped her in. “Tell me princess, when’d you get all grown’d up?” “Oh! Stop it, Jasper! You’re gunna make me blush.” “I’m just askin’ cause ya know I’m goin’ to end up fightin’ all the other cowboys off ya.” We laughed, her eyes glancing off to the side, unable to escape that infectious smile from her cheeks. Heads turned as I parked the boisterous Chevelle, and the realization that Jasper Black was attending church. “Ma’am.” My arm extended to assist Jane from the passenger seat, closing the door behind her. I half expected her to take her arm out mine, but was surprised when she didn’t. “You know, I half expected you to bail.” Jane said calmly, a small smile on her lips. “I never break my word Jane.” As we approached the church doors, I sighed, “You okay?” She asked, concerned. “Well, I suppose I’m nervous.” “Nervous?!” “I know, it’s silly. Let’s just go inside.” I tried to brush it off, as we walked inside, taking a seat at whatever pew Jane chose. Luckily, she made it easy for me, sitting close to the back of the congregation. I motioned for Jane to enter the pew first, and I took my place beside her, when she snaked her arm around mine. I was unsure what her intentions were, but it was comforting. I grabbed her hand, intertwining our fingers, letting her know I appreciated her support without having to say anything. The choir sang hymns, and the pastor gave a sermon on forgiveness. Guess you could say God has a sense of humor. The pastor began reciting a verse from Mathew 6, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you; But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses.” My bones felt like they were tingling, my eyes burning with conviction as my chin dipped low. My eyes closed, trying to prevent my tears from falling as the Pastors’ words struck me like a whip. I felt Jane’s hand squeeze mine, her chin gently resting on my shoulder. I could hear people talking, walking, but I couldn’t move. Frozen. Tears flowing freely as the sounds of everyone faded. “Jasper.” Jane whispered, her voice soft, nurturing. “It’s time to let go Jasper. Let God take it from here.” I knew she was talking about my past, how I felt guilty for leaving, how I felt betrayed by Grace, and a fool. I crashed into her arms with such vulnerability, I couldn’t keep the tears back. “I’m sorry…” My voice buried into her hair, my arms wrapped around her, as she gently soothed my broken spirit, her fingers dancing on my back until my breathing finally settled and my eyes ran dry. “Jasper?” Finally releasing Jane, I met her amber eyes, where I expected sympathy, I found hopefulness. “Jasper, have you ever truly accepted Jesus?” I wasn’t sure how to answer her, I never really thought of myself as not believing in God. “I…” “Anything I can help ya’ll with.” The pastor’s asked his steps drawing near. “Pastor Dave, I think my friend here is, well, I think he’s finally learning how to let go and let God.” I found encouragement in her words, standing to meet the Pastor face to face, “Jasper Black sir. I think I have some questions for you if you have the time.” “That’s what I’m here for.” Shaking hands, I glanced over to Jane, “Go on cowboy, I ain’t leaving without ya.” Her smile reassured me, and she rose from the pew and headed into a room down the hall where it looked like a small group gathered. “Now about those questions.” The pastor began as we sat in the pew. I asked him about what it meant to be a follower of Christ and how does one know they’re saved. I asked him about love and what the bible says about marriage. With each question, the pastor referred to a verse or several verses to answer my questions, pairing it up with his interpretations and having some follow up questions. As we wrapped up our conversation, I shook Pastor Dave’s hand, thanking him for his time. “Jasper, the Lord will show you who you are. You just have to stop looking and start trusting.” I felt that there was truth in his words, although I wasn’t sure what they meant, but maybe he’s right. Like Jane says, let go. Speaking of Jane, it’s about time I go searching for that princess and get her home before the other cowboys catch her unattended. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt the need to protect her. I made my way through the congregation doors into the hallway I saw Jane disappear to. At first I didn’t see her, but like a whisper only I could hear, I look towards the staircase where I saw her sitting at the top of the steps. Her hair curling around her neck, her bible opened in her lap. I slowly and quietly made my way to sit next to her. Her head turned towards mine, her head slightly tilted with a soft expression on her face. “Did you find the answers you were searchin’ for?” She asked, her voice soft like the low hum of a lullaby. “I, uh, some.” My voice was breathy, like a sigh. “Well, that’s a start.” She placed her hand on my knee, and instinctively I grabbed her hand, pulling her up to her feet. “Thank you, Jane.” “For?” Her curiosity and surprise was adorable, like she hadn’t just given me one of the most precious gifts, hope. “For showing me I can let go.” My forehead leaned against hers, and I wrapped her into a hug before guiding her down the staircase and escorted her back to the car.

Back at Jane’s home, Mr. Cross already had the grill fired up, the smell of smokey barbeque drifting in the air. Jane slipped inside, where Mrs. Smith was working on side dishes in the kitchen. I stayed out with Mr. Cross, “Ah! There ya’ll are. I was about to go searchin’ for ya.” Mr. Cross said with a hearty laugh. “My apologies Mr. Cross, Pastor Dave is quite the talker once you get him started.” “That he is!” Mr. Cross said with a smile. “Ya know, I was a little worried when Jane said she was hangin’ out with ya. But it appears I owe you an apology.” I looked at him confused, he’d known me my whole life, and he was worried about me with Jane? Was I that rugged, that I was a father’s worst nightmare. Sensing the tension, he explained, “Look, usually when a son leaves like ya did, well, it’s like a bad omen. I had my doubts of your intentions with your Pa’s ranch, and well, with Jane. But I think I had you all wrong Jasper. Can you forgive me?” His hand extended, and the words from the sermon rang loud in my head. “Mr. Cross, I understand why you’d think I was a ruffian with ill intentions, but I can assure you, I’d never intentionally harm Jane. It’s not very common for a man, a father, to be so candid with a young man like myself, so, yeah, I forgive you Mr. Cross.” Mr. Cross pulled me into a one armed hug as our hands met. I laughed and gave him a strong pat on the back. “Now, the real question is, what’s under the lid?” I pointed to the smoker grill behind him, “Ribs of course!” And soon after we enjoyed an outdoor lunch on their porch, with fresh squeezed lemonade. With full bellies, the girls insisted on cleaning everything up, and I looked to Mr. Cross, “How’s about you take that joy ride I mentioned earlier?” With childlike joy in his eyes, I handed him the keys and we went on a short, yet adrenaline filled ride. I boasted it’s engine, the quick acceleration, and even did a donut, the pure joy on Mr. Cross’ face was worth every second of it. After returning to Jane’s Mr. Cross retired inside, and I followed looking for Jane before heading home.

“She’s in her room darlin’ if you’re lookin’ to say goodbye.” Mrs. Cross stated calmly as she dried a glass in her hands, a warm smile on her face. With an appreciative nod, I made my way to Jane’s room. “Knock, knock.” My knuckle lightly tapping the open wooden door. Jane was sitting near her bedroom window. “Come on in Jasper.” She said, returning her eyes to the horizon outside her window. “Dreaming?” “You could say that.” I leaned against the wall across from her, my arms folded, I felt curious around her, like I never knew what she was going to say or do next. I found myself admiring how perfectly posed she was, the way her legs were crossed, the way her sundress hung from her knee, the way the sun’s rays illuminated her skin that looked like it was glowing. I felt my body flush with heat, my heart softened, but there was a fire in my eyes, I felt a pulse coursing through my body, like her body was pulling me in. “Jane, I really appreciate today. It was not how I expected, but it was…” “Jasper, you’ve made such a step of faith today.” “Faith?” “You came to church, because I asked. You broke down after hearing God speak to you, and you even spoke with the pastor after. I admire you, more than you know, your faith is beautiful Jasper.” Was it really that profound? I took that as a sign of weakness, a sign that I was feeling too much, asking too much, and yet, she calls it beautiful. “Thank you, Jane. But, that’s because of you.” “I didn’t do anything.” “Not physically, but…” Just then I found myself stepping towards her, my voice lowering, “You did…something else.” “What’s that?” “Forgive me Jane. I don’t mean to be forward…” And before I could say anything else, Jane rose up in a swift motion and her soft lips landed on mine. For a moment I was shocked, motionless, and then as if a switch flipped, I kissed her back, and almost as instantaneously she broke away, her hand on her lips, “I’m sorry!” She gasped, “I just don’t know what came over me.” “Don’t be.” My voice dark and low, my hands on her hips to steady her. “I’m going to head home now Jane. And to ease your pretty lil mind,” My thumb brushed over her lips, my eyes memorizing every feature. I pulled her in by her chin and tenderly kissed her like she was precious china, like I could break her if not careful. Pulling away I could see her smile in her eyes, an unspoken thank you. My hands reluctantly slipped off her hips, and I drove the Chevelle home, cruising to the tunes blaring from the radio. I began to wonder if I had overlooked Jane all these years. If I had been blindly in love with what I thought I wanted, versus what was there all along. Grace was my dream girl, but Jane was showing me that dreams can become nightmares, and treasure can be found in the most unlikely of places. My lips still tingling from the kiss, my chest fluttering, and my body hot. It was different, in a good way. With Grace all I wanted to do was make her mine. Whereas with Jane, there was no trying, everything felt effortless. Was this the difference between love and lust? Was I willing to forgive Grace for breaking me? I could hear the echoes from Pastor Dave again, that verse of forgiveness reverberating. Perhaps in time.