Knotted Roots - Part 17

Sunday rolled around in due time, and for the past few days, the grief began to subside, peace rose, and routine never felt so blissful. While I got ready for church, I slipped into Pa’s room, glancing around the naturally lit room. It smelled of fresh linen, and the citrus scent wafting from a plug in Jane put in. Although Pa was gone, it didn’t feel as empty as it did recently, it was as if it breathed new life. “Well Pa, I think I’m going to have a lot of planning to do after today. Guide me to a legacy you’ll be proud of. I think there’s going to be some change coming.” With a distant gaze and a small smirk, I spun on my heels and left my father’s room, ready to pick up Jane. The entire ride over to her home, I was consumed by thoughts of what I wanted, what I believed in, and why. The ride over was my weekly reminder of keeping my priorities in line. Jane was already on her porch swing, a sweet tea in her hand. I swiftly lifted her into my arms and spun her as we shared in the laughter of childlike love. “Okay cowboy, I see you still have some swing to you!” “You’re the fire to my forge, love. You only make me stronger!” I carried Jane as she giggled and clutched my neck to my truck, planting a gentle kiss as I opened her passenger door. “Strong in arms, but soft in heart.” Jane’s words are like a tease. I adored her, and I wanted to be better for her. She was a woman I was proud to have on my arm, and proud to call mine. We made for the church in swift time, Jane and I walked hand in hand, and sat in the sanctuary as we always do. Pastor Dave’s sermon spoke of love through adversity and it was an overwhelming truth in Jane’s and I’s relationship.

When the congregation left, I greeted Pastor Dave with a strong handshake, and unexpectedly he pulled me into a brief hug. “I’m sorry about your father, Jasper.” My eyes softened, and I pressed the smile to suppress the gratitude of tears. “He’s probably boring the saints with his stories by now.” Dave and I shared a laugh, “Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something. If you have the time?” “For you, Jasper. Always. Should we take this to my office?” “Here’s fine, I think.” Glancing around to make sure we were alone. “Pastor Dave, I think…I think I’m, well I think I believe.” “Believe?” Pastor Dave wore a puzzling look, as if he was unsure of my context. “I need you to say what’s on your mind Jasper, plainly.” “I believe, in all of this. I believe in Jesus and of all the stories that book speaks of.” Pastor Dave’s eyes lit like a christmas tree in winter, “Jasper! Why, that’s wonderful! When did this happen?” “A few days ago, I think…I was talking to God, or at least that’s what I believe, and I just felt this unexplainable sensation, this overwhelming peace within me. I was rendered speechless. You may think I am crazy, but…” Before I could finish, Pastor Dave wrapped his arms around me in a tight brotherly hug, “Jasper, this brings great joy to me! Have you told Jane?” “That’s the other part I needed to talk to you about.” My voice hinting at an innocent secret, “I want it to be special, memorable. I want it to be part of my proposal.” “Proposal?” “I’m asking for her hand, tonight, at dinner.” Pastor Dave’s smile broadened, “Come, we shall pray together!” Pastor Dave spoke a powerful prayer of strength, resilience, and rejoice. Afterwards, I met up with Jane, who was always in the hallway, reading her devotional and writing in her journal. “Jane, may I?” I motioned next to her, as she scooted over to make room for me on the bench. “How was your talk with Pastor Dave?” “Much needed, we had a lot to speak about, mostly about Pa.” Jane’s hand clasped mine, and her endearing eyes brought that softer side of me as it often does. “Ready to go when you are, cowboy.” Jane and I made our way to the truck and enjoyed the breeze with the windows down as we traveled back to her parents. “Jasper! Jane!” Jane’s mother exclaimed, bringing us both a lemonade. We spent the day talking about anything under the sun, catching up on events, and relaxing. As the day began to rest and Mr. Cross went to prepare dinner, I found it an opportune time to ask him for Jane’s hand. I gulped down the remainder of my lemonade, and excused myself, telling Jane I wished to assist her father. “Excuse me sir, need a hand?” “Ah! Jasper! The only thing I could use is your company!” He belted a hearty laugh, “Well, I hope to keep myself in good company.” He eyed me suspiciously, “What’s on your mind?” “I…I guess I’ll be frank.” I took a steadying breath, and braced for the worst. “Mr. Cross, I’d like to ask for your daughters hand. I don’t know where I’d be, or who I’d be without her. She’s…well, she’s made me a man, and one my father and I can be proud of.” Mr. Cross stared at me, a grave expression on his face. “You’re a Black. A rigid, rough, cowboy. A man who is to be respected and feared, and you’d be a fine husband. But for Jane? That’s my little girl. She deserves the best of the best, hand picked by God himself. Look, we adore you Jasper, and you’ve shown us you love her. But how do we know you won’t run when things get hard?” “I understand.” A dark cloud hovering over my head, my past haunting my aspirations. My eyes jolted to his, desperate to plead my love for her, “Sir, respectfully, I am tired of running. If I’m running anywhere, it’s to her. Jane has shown me how to face adversity, and how to temper my emotions. I’m like a wild horse she broke and won trust with. I promise you, on my life, Jane is the only woman my eyes search for. My feet are always pointing towards her.” With a deep breath, I figured, to be vulnerable, to open up to him. “And before we go any further, I want to share something with you, something personal. Something Jane doesn’t know yet.” “Go on.” “By Jane’s prayers, nu jer persistence, I am changed. I believe in more than myself for the first time in my life. I gave myself over to God.” Tears welled in Mr. Cross’ eyes, and he welcomed me with a warm and fatherly embrace. When he pulled away, Mr. Cross looked me over, “Jasper Black, I’d be lying if I didn’t already consider you a son. Hearing this, and your adoration for Jane, well, you have my blessing.” I almost didn’t believe what I heard, and in that moment I was consumed by joy, and it was as if I had a piece of my father back by hearing those words from him. “Thank you sir!” I breathed, my smile broad and a thunderous clap on each other's backs. “So, when are you popping the question?” “I haven’t yet decided…” “You better start, once Mrs. Cross knows, there’s no telling when that secret will slip!” He said with a laugh, “I’d better get a move on then!”

—--

I awoke every night from terrors in my dreams, reliving the brutality of Greg, the predatory claim from Tucker, and how I submitted to both of them, for the sake of a love I will never know. A love I lost by my own accord. Jasper was clearly smitten with Jane now. He seemed different with her, gentle, like she was fragile and precious. I knew I couldn’t deter him, he deserved to finally find peace, to feel happiness. Perhaps, I should be the one to leave this time? Perhaps I should’ve followed Jasper all those years ago, rather than be trapped by doubt and fear of others’ thoughts. “Grace?” My mother’s voice softly broke the silence and tension of thoughts, “Yes?” “I heard you screaming, and…” “I’m sorry Ma, it was a bad dream.” “Ah, I see. How about some warm tea, that should soothe your troubled mind.” “I’d love that, I’ll be down in a moment.” The sun hadn’t yet broken over the mountaintop, the foggy amber light glowing through my window. I rose to change out of my pajamas, and into a loose shirt and some faded jeans, preparing to be presentable for the day. The kettle’s cry let me know the tea was done, and I swiftly met with Ma in the kitchen, as she already had the mug poured and passed it to me. “Chamomile.” It was one of my favorite teas, “Thank you!” I embraced the warm fragrance with a small smile, my mind calming from its whirlwind. “You haven’t been seeing Greg, is everything alright?” “Actually, I broke things off with him.” “What?” My mother was shocked, although I sensed relief in her voice. A smirk spilling from my lips as I peered over the top of the mug. “When did this happen?” “Few days ago.” “But why? I thought you were smitten by him?” “I thought I was too, but turns out I was a fool all along.” “Oh, darlin’ you know that’s not true, you were in love, or at least in love with the idea of it.” “That I was.” I gulped a long, slow sip of the tea, clinging to its warmth. “Is that why you’ve been sleepless these past few nights?” My mother’s question told me she had been hearing me awake in terror for what seemed like a week now, “I’m sorry if I’ve kept you up, Ma, I... I’ve been thinking of leaving, going to an apartment somewhere to ease the burden from you and Pa.” “Burden? Darlin, no. We just worry about you is all! And an apartment? You’d be wasting your money in a place you’ll never own! Stay.” Her arms pulled me into one of those long motherly hugs that you secretly adore! “Did I hear right?” Pa’s voice breaking our embrace, as he sipped on a mug of the tea as well, “You left that no good for nothin’ boy who calls himself a cowboy?” I smirked at my fathers jest, “You heard right.” “Why, I can’t say I’m disheartened!” “I know Pa. I just wish I had seen what everyone else saw sooner, would’ve hurt less that way.” “You say that as if you’re pained not by the breakup, but by something or someone else.” Pressing my lips together, I batted my eyes to prevent the tears of truth from falling, “Yeah, you could say that. Guess I’m too late for that bus too.” “Oh, honeybee! I’m sorry. Yet, there’s still plenty of fish in the water, you need only cast your net.” We all stood, stiffened with annoyance as we heard the grumbling of the all too familiar mustang rolling in, a thick dust cloud behind it. “Greg…” “Stay here honeybee, I’ll see to him.” Pa without hesitation strided towards the front door, a mission in his movements. Curious, I positioned myself near the front window, peering through the blinds to watch the confrontation. “Ah, Mr. Withers!” “You’re no longer welcomed here Greg. Leave!” “Mr. Withers, I am engaged…” “You’re no family or family to be of mine, now get!” “With all do respect sir. I need only a brief moment with Grace.” “That ship sailed when she began sobbing into her pillow every night, and waking in a fright! I won’t ask again. Leave.” My memory snapped like a rubber band, I promised Jasper I’d notify him right away if Greg ever showed his face again! I quickly sent him a text saying, “He’s here.” And prayed that he could come assist my father before things turned ugly. And I gulped my fear away and went to my father’s side; this was my battle to end, not his.

—-

As we were eating and indulging in idle chatter and jokes, my phone buzzed in my pocket. “Jasper, you’re phone.” Jane stated, as if hinting for me to answer it. “Jane, it’s supper. It can wait.” Until there was another buzz! Perhaps Jane was right, I peered down, like a poker player glancing at their hand. My brows furrowed, and my hand tensed, clutching the phone in anger. “Excuse me.” I said, my eyes staring at my phone. My eyes darkened and a storm brewed in my chest as I read Grace’s text, “He’s here.” and then the next, “Please hurry!” “Jasper? What is it? What’s wrong?” Jane knew of my promise to Grace, my oath to protect her, like a brother. When my eyes met hers, she understood. “Go. She needs you.” “I’m really sorry Mr. and Mrs. Cross, but this is a matter I must attend.” I rose from the dinner table, and made haste towards the door, hearing Jane behind me, “Jasper!” I spun, reeling her into my arms, sealing my love to her with a kiss. “This isn’t anything other than me keeping my promise. She’s in danger.” “I know, love. I only ask that you return safely!” “You have my word.” Without further delay, I ran to the truck and hurried to Grace’s house.

As I approached Grace’s home, I could see Mr. Withers standing between Greg and Grace, a protective father. Slamming my truck into park, my eyes locked like a target on Greg. “Ah! Jasper! How nice of you to join us.” Without a word, I slammed my fist like a hammer to Greg’s nose. “That was a long time coming…” I gritted watching Greg stumble to his feet, blood dripping from his nose, His eyes stormy yet full of mischief. “Mr. Withers, take Grace inside, I’ll take the trash out.” With an unspoken understanding, Mr. Withers turned to grab Grace and lead her inside, “No. This is my mistake, it’s only right I end this.” “Grace…” Without another word, Greg’s fist crashed in the back of my head, causing me to lose balance, I quickly spun to my back facing upwards to see Greg ready to brawl. “You want to fight! Let’s go!” Greg mocked, As Greg lunged with his fist, I timed my sharp heeled boot into his abdomen, giving me the perfect space to bounce to my feet. My head felt like a pulsating thunder, everything felt slow and my vision blurred. But I still had my eyes locked onto him. My protective instinct, my survivalist from my time in the city boiled to the surface like an angry bear. “This ends today.” The words choked from my lips as my head swirled, my fists landing in rapid fire between his cheeks and abdomen, and ending the brawl with one of my hands encircling his throat. “Who’s in charge now?” I gritted, that dark side of me spewing venom as I snarled and looked down at the pathetic man before me. “Tell me you love her.” Greg gritted through his teeth, “I owe you nothing.” My hand tightened, my face an inch from his, as he writhed helplessly trying to peel my hand from his neck. “You’re at my mercy. You’re going to get in that mustang of yours, and you’re going to leave. Never come back.” My eyes narrowing on him, my hand giving more pressure to his throat, “Do I make myself clear?” “Very.” Reluctantly, I released Greg who collapsed to the ground, holding his neck and gasping for fresh air. Without a word, he scurried to his mustang and left me in a dust cloud as he revved the engine and left headed towards town. “Jasper!” I could hear Grace’s voice, but everything became faint, and the ground unsteady, and then I saw black. “Should we call an ambulance?” I could hear someone, but their voice muffled, as if I was hearing them underwater. The pain from the back of my head throbbing, as I grunted. “Oh?! Jasper?” I fluttered my eyes open, expecting to see Grace, but instead saw Jane. “Jane?” As I went to sit up, her hand steadied me, keeping me lying down. “Shh! You took a gnarly hit to the head I hear.” “More like I got slammed by a truck.” I grunted, my whole body ached, I hadn’t been in a fight since I was living in the city, usually working as a bouncer at clubs to scrape by. “Jane, are you, Grace?…” “Everyone’s fine, Jasper. You worry too much sometimes.” “Jane, he…” “I know, and I know you nearly killed him. Yet you let him go.” When said like that, I felt shamed, like I acted out of terms. “I’m just glad you didn’t see me like that. It’s not my proudest moment.” Jane handed me a pack of frozen peas, “Here, cowboy. For that stubborn head of yours.” Her smirk told me she wasn’t mad, as if she knew exactly who she had before her. A broken man, trying his hardest to be the best version of himself. “I love you.” “I love you too. Every part of you. Now, since you’re feeling chatty, someone wants to see you.” She smirked, as she left the room. I forced myself upright, the frozen package of peas soothing. When I glanced at the threshold of the doorway of the Withers’ living room, I saw Grace. “How ya feelin’?” “Like a stupid boy in his first fight.” She smirked at the remark. “Thank you, Jasper. For staying true to your word.” Grace took a seat next to me, her hand gently landing on my knee. “Grace?” My brows furrowed, confused as her hand brought warmth to me, but bold as she knew I no longer felt that way for her. “I love you Jasper. I think I’ve always loved you, and I was just too scared to believe it.” “Grace, I…” “I need to say this, please?” I nodded for her to continue, “I was selfish the way I treated you, playing with your emotions, and I don’t expect this to change anything. I just, I just needed you to know.” “Grace, I’ve longed to hear those words for so long.” Her eyes filled with tears, pulled my heart with an ache I could not soothe. “But, that ship sailed when you chose him.” My words like a razor’s edge, cutting the wound that ailed us both. “Grace, I loved you, and now, there’s only one love in my life. Jane is my life now. If you wish to have me in your life, as your friend, you must accept that.” “And I have, I…I only wished to speak plainly. I think you two are great, perfect even.” “Grace, you’re loved, and there’s someone for you, it’s just not me, not in this life.” Her smile told me she understood, as a tear slowly fell from her bottom lash, I winced as I went to wipe it from her cheek, her arm, easing my own back to my side. Only as she rose, her face swept close to mine, her lips leaving a final kiss on my lips, as if saying goodbye and putting out the flame that burned between us. “Now, we’re friends.” I was speechless. Did she really just kiss me? As she left, my fingers touched my lips as if in disbelief. Although, it wasn’t a lust, it wasn’t like before. No, it was as if we sealed our past with a final goodbye to our past lives. I nearly choked as Jane re-entered the room, “Jane…” “Shh, it’s fine. She needed closure.” Jane spoke as if she grew to expect this. “I saw, and it didn’t bother me.” I breathed in relief from her words, “I want to go home.” Jane smiled, and she assisted me out of the Withers’ home, I left with a firm and appreciative handshake from Mr. Withers, and a gentle hug from Mrs. Withers. Grace and I exchanged an unspoken glance to each other. I eased myself into my truck, Jane driving the short ride to my home next door. “How’d I get so lucky to have an angel like you?” I smirked, embracing her into a hug as we entered the warmth of my front door. Jane smiled and kissed me, and in that moment it was as if a fever took over us both and we stumbled upstairs and into my room, where we fell into the bed. “Jane, we should rest.” “Yes, rest. I need to get back to my parents, let them know what happened so they don’t fret.” “It’s late, stay.” “Jasper, how hard did he hit your head?” Jane’s playful eyes teased me, with a deep breath I sighed heavily. “Alright, but text me so I know you made it home safe?” “As always.” Jane left me in my bed with a kiss, as she left. I heard the front door latch and her car start and the gravel under the tires grumbling as the noise of her car faded into the distance. Alone in my thoughts, and a bruised ego, I could only think of one thing, the proposal!