Knotted Roots - Part 16

I couldn’t believe that Greg had twisted into such a repulsive, abusive, demon of a man! And I, caught up in his charm, and the materialistic gifts! I was devastated, how did I go from a fearless rodeo queen to a shameful, undeserving pile of slop! I was better than this, I was stronger than this, yet still, I was alone. I was broken, abused. I never stopped loving Jasper, but he was gone. At least for now. I only have myself to blame for the situation I am in. I dressed into my oversized pajamas and slept in a puddle of my tears, clutching the quilt that hugged me back. I wanted to tell Jasper, he’d surely protect me from Greg, but after everything he’s been through, would he even care about me still? Did I care about me? I didn’t know the best thing was staring me right in my face, after all this time, I still loved Jasper hopelessly and recklessly. My heart ached, and at some point through my sobbing I had drifted to sleep, emotionally and physically exhausted. I awoke in a panic, hyperventilating as I dreamt of the trauma by Greg’s violent behavior, the all too real memory of his assault. I gasped for air, brushing my hair back as my chest heaved violently. I needed to get outside! I quickly changed into some jeans and a loose shirt, grabbing my gambler hat, and I made my way to the barn. The morning light pierced through the foggy breath of a new day. I didn’t bother to grab my phone, I just needed to ride! I jumped on Spot’s back and with a stiff kick, we hurried off towards the mountain range. The wind brought the oxygen I was deprived of. My battered and abused heart felt heavy, sinking to the depths of my chest. I was drowning in a spiraling depression, and my soul was bruised, burning with conviction.

—

“Jasper, you know at some point you’ll need to face that fear of yours, right?” “My fear?” “Your father’s room.” Jane was right, I couldn’t lie to myself, to pretend that he’d be coming back. He was gone, and his room, well…it was better to address it now. “You’re right, Jane.” I said bracing myself for entering Pa’s room, to battle the flashback of seeing Pa on the floor. My face disturbed by the haunting memory must have been evident as Jane clasped my hand, “We can do it together.” I was always so amazed by her ability to read my mind, to know exactly what to say and when. Her emerald eyes bring life and hope into mine. A smile was always a sure thing with her around, even now. We were outside of Pa’s room, his door shut to alleviate the haunting in my mind, but now, it was time to face reality. “Whenever you’re ready.” Jane gave my hand a squeeze, as I slowly moved my other hand to the doorknob, giving it a slow turn as I pushed the door open. I felt myself tense up and with Jane’s presence, I was able to breathe that same tension away. I could still see Pa lying motionless on the floor, the way he seemed forgotten, abandoned. My chest tightened, my throat narrowed, air became scarce. Was this some poetic revelation of God grabbing my attention, that He knew I felt alone, abandoned in my darkest hour. “It’s okay Jasper, just breathe.” Closing my eyes, I pushed through the constricting bind, and was able to take in some deep breaths. I knew feeling alone, abandoned, was foolish. Because I wasn’t, I was with Jane. Jane stepped ahead of me, pulling me into the room, “One step at a time.” I followed her lead, my fingers interlocking with hers as I gave her a slight appreciative nod. I moved my way to the chair I sat in when I first returned home. I pulled it up to the bed, my head hanging low, with a small smile of that memory. The first time I think I ever felt like I was seen, heard, by Pa. It was such a refreshing start to our relationship. I felt my facial muscles twitch, the tears pinging my eyes. I tried to swipe them away, “Don’t be ashamed Jasper, healing begins with vulnerability.” She kissed my head and stepped away, “I’ll give you a moment.” Jane exited the room, and I was left with the echoes of laughter, wisdom, and promises between those fond memories of Pa and I. How he guided me into this new life I was beginning when I returned home. Hearing him say he was proud of me. While I hadn’t realized that I had released the flood gates, my face wet from the grief of Pa’s passing, yet the blissful memories cherished. I lifted my eyes upwards, as if expecting to see heaven, or Pa, or maybe even God. “You take care of him now, take care of my old man.” My voice croaked with grief, yet, I felt so much warmth, a nestled peace in my core. Is this what it feels like? To sense God’s rapprochement? To be overwhelmed and rendered speechless, yet in awe. Praying that split second of peace never ceases to exist. It was a sensation that I wanted to bask in, to never leave the surge of comfort that seemed to be coursing within my veins. I sat there, eyes closed, my soaked cheeks, beginning to dry. And I knew that no matter how much suffering Pa experienced, was no more. Having that belief, caused my soul to start the healing process, to become well again. I stood, making my way to his dresser where an old photograph was framed. Inside its memory was myself, young and on top of the fence, with Ma and Pa on either side of me. Something told me that they were reunited again, in a world without sorrow, without pain. As I clutched the photograph, Jane re-entered the room, “How you holdin’ up cowboy?” She snaked her arm around my waist, and stared at the photograph with me. “I’m not sure I’ll ever fully heal from this. But, the world still turns and our hearts still beat.” Jane’s head leaned against the side of my chest as she pulled herself into my large frame. “I’m ready to move on. He wouldn’t want to see me like this. And quite frankly, I don’t think I have any tears left.” Jane’s beaming eyes were comforting, she knew I had to come to terms with reality and she pushed me just enough yet allowed me the space to do it on my own. “No time like the present.” Jane and I had begun to empty the dresser, bagging Pa’s clothes into a trashbag. We were nearly complete, when Jane pulled a small journal from deep within the top drawer. “What’s this?” I wasn’t sure, Jane handed me the bound leather journal, and I slowly and carefully opened it. It was a diary! From when Ma was still alive, and when I was a small boy. “Wow…” I said choking up. I began to read the aged ink, the faded pages dating itself. The first few entries were about how Pa recalled my first rodeo, how he was so proud of me. Knowing how Pa had a written declaration of his pride, me. It solidified everything from the argument that night at the kitchen table, the one where we ended up laughing and talking about everything and nothing all the same. I laughed at myself, for not being able to recognize the love behind his discipline. I shut the journal, binding it back up. “I think I’ll keep this.” I said tucking it into my waistline. Eager to purge the belongings that were no longer needed, useless. A few hours passed, and the room was bare, only the bed and the furniture remained. Photographs were nailed to the walls to breathe memorable life into the room. “How do you feel?” “I feel good, like he’s proud.” We left the room, and I took one last glance as I pulled the door shut gently. Once back downstairs, there was a small pile of bags by the door, “Listen, I got to head home anyways, why don’t I take these to the church for donation?” Jane’s purpose, her heart always yearning to help others was one of the many things I adored. “They ain’t helping anyone here, might as well give them to someone in need.” I embraced her once more before she left, kissing her deeply, because saying thank you just wasn’t good enough. Not for saving me from my wreckage. “I’ll call you later.” “I’ll be eager to hear your voice again, love.” I grabbed the bags and helped load her truck bed, “You sure you got this?” “You know as well as any that I’m more than capable.” She teased. “True, but that doesn’t make it right.” “You have to tend to the ranch, it’s been a couple days and the animals will start an uprising soon!” She laughed, reminding me of my chores. “Alright, alright. Drive safe, love.” With one quick kiss goodbye, I made my way to the barn, where the somber mood seemed to have stretched to Crimson. I let him roam while I mucked his stall and swept the barn. Replacing the hay and putting fresh water in his trough. It felt good to keep moving. I should check on the cattle. Crimson’s ears were pinned back, moving slow. “You miss him too, huh big guy?” I said, comforting him with a long neck rub and a sugar cube. “How’s about we go for a ride? We both could use it.” Crimson seemingly perked up, and I got his tack out. Securing the western saddle to his girthy chest. I swept my leg over and we were off, strolling at a comfortable pace. The wind was blowing my hair and threatening to toss my hat from my head. Once into the pasture, I was relieved to see all the cattle mindlessly chomping on grass, content in their simple life. Until I saw a figure in the distance. It had to be Grace, as she approached the mountains on a wild ride. The spotty backside of Spot, undeniable. However, they moved with such speed that Crimson reacted with an uneasiness and bolted towards them. I hurried to try and regain control, but Crimson galloped towards them “Woah! Woah!” My voice distracted Grace from her ride, as Crimson and I began barreling towards them. Spot was running so wildly, and as if in slow motion, Grace slipped from his back as she hit the grass in stride, landing on her side. “Grace!” Yanking on Crimson’s reigns, I was able to soothe and slow him down before reaching her. Without hesitation I jumped off and knelt beside her, She was a little hazy, but overall nothing appeared broken. “What the hell are you thinking?!” I hollered, angered at her recklessness. “Nice to see you too.” She gritted, but there was a sadness in her voice. As I reached to grab her hand and pull her up, she unexpectedly pulled it back, rubbing her wrist as if she was scared, hesitant. “Grace?” “It’s…I’m…I’m fine.” I eyed her suspiciously, and I could see a slight discoloration, a bruise maybe, stained on her wrist. “Where did you get that?” It was too dark, too old for her to have just gotten it. She didn’t answer, instead her eyes dropped to her lap. “Did he do this to you?” My anger boiling as realization set in. Call it a hunch or discernment, I knew without her saying it. Taking a few breaths to recompose myself, I lifted her chin upwards, forcing her blue eyes to mine. “He isn’t going to hurt you anymore.” Her expression slowly turned from shame to shock, “You, I thought…” “I’m still an honest man, Grace.” “Jasper…I thank you.” “I’m not a monster, if he hurt you, he’ll pay.” “Jasper, I stopped the deal!” “What deal?” “I went to the bank and begged them to back out of the deal they had with Greg. I’m sure he’ll be getting a call any second now….” “Hush, Grace. He’s not going to hurt you anymore. You have my word. You may not be mine, but I can’t turn a blind eye to you, I don’t think I’ll ever will.” “I don’t deserve your mercy, Jasper.” “That may be, but I love you Grace, just not how I used to.” Her eyes watered at my words, a small smile on her face. Spot came prancing up to us, Crimson and him playing in the open field. I reached out my hand, “You ain’t broke yet, Grace.” With a small laugh, and a tear dropping from her eye. “I’m so sorry Jasper, for everything.” “Grace, consider it water under the bridge. I’m learning to release grudges, to live in the present, not my past.” There was a stinging truth that cut us both in my words, solidifying that I was no longer romantically bewitched by her, matured perhaps. “Friends?” I offered my hand still open for her, a broad smile welcoming a truce. “Friends.” Her smile replaced her sorrows, “Thank you, Jasper.” “For?” “Everything! You’ve shown me who I am, and who I’m not.” “Promise me one thing, Grace.” “Anything?” “You stay away from that slimeball, and call me if he gets anywhere close to you.” “I promise.” “Oh! And Grace!” “Yes?” “Thank you, for stopping the deal.” Grace slipped her leg over Spot, and she flashed a relieved smile and tipping her hat as she rode back home. “Come on, Crimson. We’d better get back before Jane calls!” I chuckled as I realized I left my phone inside.

Once back at the house, I relieved Crimson of his saddle and tack, and showered him with the hose to cool him off. As he roamed the field, I headed inside praying Jane hadn’t called. I found my phone on the kitchen counter, relieved I hadn’t missed Jane’s call until I glanced at my watch and realized it had been a few hours since she left the house and should have made it home. Curious, I called her. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath, until I heard Jane answer. “Were your ears burnin’ cowboy?” “Actually, it was my heart. I was just growing concerned cause it had been awhile and I hadn’t heard from you. I was just making sure you made it home safely.” “Oh! I lost track of myself! I’m sorry Jasper, yes. I am home safe and sound, you needn’t worry.” “Well, if you have a moment, I’d like to tell you about somethin’.” “Of course!” I told Jane about how I ran into Grace while tending to the cattle and how I found it in my heart to forgive her and how she had been treated by Greg. “Well, I’m proud of you, Jasper. I’m sure that was hard to do, and maybe she acted out of fear all this time. If what you suspect is true.” “Yeah, you’re probably right as always.” “Oh! Jasper, I nearly forgot! Pastor Dave was at the church and he wanted to send his condolences and gratitude for the donation.” “Ah! I owe him a visit, it’s been too long since I’ve spoken with him.” “Well, Sunday is only a few days away!” Jane laughed, knowing Pastor Dave and I had grown close, brotherly even. “Well, I can’t wait to pick you up Sunday morning and we get back into our routine. I could use some normal in my life again.” “Is anyone ever normal?” After saying goodnight, I showered and fell into a very deep sleep, a restful sleep.