Knotted Roots - Part 13

I held onto Jasper, for what felt like hours, but it was only a matter of a few minutes. “I’ll be right back, Jasper.” I slipped out of his limp arms, as he slouched back to the couch. I made my way to the kitchen to brew up some coffee, hoping the warmth and energy would bring some kind of life back to Jasper’s eyes. I wasn’t sure what else to do, but I knew Jasper needed someone. Had he told Jane? Did anyone else know? Even I was in disbelief over the shattering news of his father’s passing. He was doing so well, enjoying the most of his life, especially recently, with Jasper being home. I needed to remain strong, for Jasper. His world just broke, the only family he had left was his father. He was all that remained of the Black family. While the coffee brewed, and the warm roasted smell wafted aimlessly in the air, I returned to Jasper, who had his phone back in his hands. It looked like he had just sent a message to someone, but I wasn’t sure. “Jasper?” He didn’t look up, his fingers slowly gliding over his glass screen. I sat down beside him again, and saw him looking at the few photos of him and Pa he was staring at. He clicked on one in particular, a photo with him, Pa, Jane and her parents, seemingly enjoying a barbeque. “You guys look great together…” I breathed, “He finally went to church that day.” Jasper croaked, his voice gritty. I didn’t know what to say, so I just leaned on Jasper’s arm, hoping it brought him comfort. We sat there, silently leaning against one another until I heard the coffee maker ding. “I’ll grab us a cup.” As I poured the hot brew into two coffee mugs I heard Jasper’s phone ring briefly, followed by his footsteps moving outside as he answered the phone. I sat patiently at the kitchen table awaiting his return but was soon spooked by Jasper slamming the front door shut, his steps rapidly approaching like thunder. “Who was that?” I asked, nervous that he was in such a rage, he had just lost his father, what else could have possibly happened?! “Like you don’t already know.” He gritted through his teeth as he leaned angrily over the kitchen sink. “Jasper, I…” “Why are you here Grace?” “I heard the sirens and saw them turning into your driveway. What happened just now?” My voice rose with confusion, slightly defensive with the way Jasper’s unpredictable anger grew. His body was tense, as if he was trying to control every muscle, every reaction. His hands gripped the basin of the sink like he relied on it for support, for stability. “Jasper, why don’t you just breathe, calm down.” “Calm down?” He scoffed, as he turned so that I could see his face, I took a step back. There was a darkness in his eyes, his face contorted and unrecognizable. “Jasper, you’re not…” “No! I know why you’re here Grace. You can stop pretending now.” “Pretending?!” “You and your slimeball of a fiance are so eager to take this ranch, my heritage, my life!” Jasper’s anger was explosive, as if a nuclear reaction had just occurred. “I tried to love you Grace. I really did, and yet, I’ve been a fool this entire time. I was so blinded that I didn’t realize how bad you’ve manipulated me.” “Manipulated you?!” Jasper let out an exhausted, breathy, laugh. “Greg told me everything.” He said slowly, his eyes like a predator on mine, I was frozen. I wasn’t scared of Jasper, but there was an aura in the way he stalked around the kitchen table towards me, that made me tremble for a moment. “You and Greg think you can take this ranch from me.” His voice was low, twisted. His arm pinning me against a nearby wall in the kitchen, his face sinking so we were on even eye level with one another. “You thought you had this perfect plan, the way I crawled like a puppy to you, the way we made love that night. Oh, it was almost perfectly thought out.” “Jasper…” “No! You don’t get to play with my feelings anymore! I’m done tormenting myself for you!” Could he honestly believe that was why I was here? Have I not hurt as well? Or did he forget how it was when he left? I knew he wasn’t thinking clearly, influenced by Greg’s vile lies, if I had any ounce of love left for him, it was gone. I couldn’t love anyone who would intentionally destroy one’s reason for existing, to so carelessly attack one’s soul. Jasper needed to see the truth, that I never wanted his ranch, that I was here for him! “Who was on the phone?” I asked coldly, now that there was space between us. I was beginning to feel more secure, more bold. “Answer me Jasper!” “Like you didn’t tell him.” He said exhausted, his chest heaving. His eyes low, not even looking at me anymore. His muscles, slowly relaxing. It was as if I was watching him give up, to submit to something. That wasn’t the Jasper I knew. Sorrow swirled in my heart, and it was then that everything had begun to make sense. Greg was in town talking with the bankers, he must’ve seen the ambulance! “Jasper, I haven’t spoken to anyone! I’ve only been here, with you!” “Liar! He told me how you’ve been hoping for this day to come. How you only ever wanted him!” “Jasper, that’s not true! You know that!” “I don’t believe you!” “Jasper, I’m here because I love you! I know you don’t want to admit your feelings for me after everything you’ve been through! I know you’re trying to change yourself! To be different, to be with Jane. But you don’t need to change for me, Jasper! I loved you then, like I love you now, recklessly.” I shouted, a pure emotional release, no longer able to restrain myself. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have crawled into bed with another man!” His hands slamming against the wall behind me, pinning me once more. “It’s not like I was yours to lose! Besides, I made a mistake, Jasper!” “I gave you every piece of me, Grace! For once, I wanted you to love me, without me begging for it!” I stood astonished, speechless. The black envelope, the bantering, how he held me in his room, against the sheets, the passion burning like an inferno. Looking upwards at his shadowy expression, that’s when I saw the tears that had been running down his face. “I think it’s time you left Grace.” “Surely you don’t…” “Leave!” Jasper’s booming anger was evident, and perhaps he needed space, time. He just lost his father, Greg calling him in his darkest hour and stirring things up in the midst of everything. As I slipped out underneath his arm, I slowly made my way to the front door, grabbing the cold doorknob. I looked back to Jasper in the kitchen. He had slumped down to the ground, head in his hands, and my heart churned with torment as I couldn’t ease his pain. I couldn’t because I was part of what caused it, and that tore my heartstrings like a broken chord on a guitar. When I got home, I ran straight to my room slamming my bedroom door and landing on my bed, trying to smother my sobs in my pillow. “Grace, dear?” It was my father, he rarely ever comes into my room, he always knew it was when I needed space, but his presence seemed to bring relief. “Papa! He’s gone!” My father just wrapped me in his arms as I curled into him like a little girl, and sobbed violently in his chest. “I know honeybee, I know.”

—

The wooden floor felt cold, like everything else. The fresh memory of Pa on the floor haunted me, how long had he been there? I should’ve checked on him sooner! But nonetheless, I’d finally cut ties with Grace. I didn’t even flinch this time, screaming at her to leave was the only way to push her out. Who knows what emotional tactics she would’ve attempted. I didn’t want her pity, her second-thoughts, I wanted her. I know now, I was never her first anything, and it was better left that way. Besides I had Jane. Then the realization dawned on me, it was Sunday! Jane must be freaking out, wondering where I am! My thoughts were silenced by my phone ringing. Fearing it was Jane, I slowly walked, as if in slow motion, to my phone, which rang over and over, reminding me of the sirens wailing. I plopped heavily on the old couch answering the phone in silence. “Jasper?! Jasper, are you there?!” It was Jane, she sounded scared, I knew I hadn’t called her, told her about Pa. She was probably scared something had happened, and she was right to be, only she didn’t yet realize what. I struggled with the notion of telling her, but that wasn’t the sort of news you give over the phone. “Yeah, I’m here.” I said, trying to disguise the brokenness in my voice. “I’m coming over!” “No…” Before I could say anything, she hung up. She shouldn’t come, I was nothing but a burden, yet I was thankful for her. Trying to find any motivation, any strength to climb the stairs and shower, but I found none. My body hurt, the amount of tears I shed left me cold and shaking like an endless tremor. And I remained still, motionless on the couch, trying to at least close my eyes, slightly hoping everything just stopped. “Jasper!” Jane rushed to me. Did I fall asleep? How long had it been since she called? “Are you okay? What happened?” My face twisted as if pained by a headache, and I forced the words from my lips, as I leaned in to her. “He’s gone.” Jane’s arms draped over me like a blanket, she was warm, genuine. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner, Jasper.” She whispered, hearing her voice crack slightly from the news. I just pulled her in tighter, burying my face into her hair. “I was here! I should’ve…” “Shhh! Don’t do that to yourself, Jasper.” She whispered, her warm breath landing on my neck. I refused to let go of her, as she rubbed her hands across the back of my shoulders. And that’s when I realized she had begun to pray aloud, her voice just above a whisper. I clung to her, to her words, hoping for the peace she was praying for me to receive. I wasn’t sure what I felt like. Part of me had seen this day coming, while on the other side, I never anticipated it. I felt numb, but with Jane here, praying for me, holding me, it was something. And for the first time today, I felt comforted, I felt safe.