Knotted Roots - Part 11

Grace woke up the next day in disbelief, her childhood sweetheart, Jasper Black, in love with Jane?! It was hard to believe. Although, who could blame him, I haven’t necessarily been a saint, or really fair to him. Grace was honest with herself, slowly brushing her hair while reflecting in the mirror. Her mother startled her, breaking her from her thoughts as she entered after a light knock. “Grace, honey. You’ve been sitting up here all day. What’s going on?” “Nothin’ Mama.” “Are you having second thoughts about Greg?” Mama always seemed to have a way of reading me. I wasn’t sure how to answer her, I loved Greg, but I also loved Jasper. Now that he’s moved on, could I? Did I want to? “This is one of the most important decisions of your life, sweetie. Take all the time you need.” With her kind words, Mama left the room. I was alone in my thoughts again. Maybe I should go for a ride, it had been a few weeks since I took Spot out. I grabbed a hat from the rack by the door, and made my way to the barn.

Once inside, Spot had given me an earful, he loved being ridden, and getting out. It was as if he was expressing his annoyance about being cooped up in the barn recently. I entered the tackle closet, and something from the corner of my eye caught my attention. I walked over to the corner of the closet and found what I thought at first was just a rope that was misplaced, but then I realized, it wasn’t just any rope. This was Jasper’s lasso! My mind raced back to the fresh memory of him in the rodeos when we were young and wild. How he chased me through the wildflowers in the field, and then our recent banter a few weeks ago together about that same memory. I should return this, make it a peace offering for how I’ve treated him. However, seeing as he’s moved on and all, and I, well…was I ready to move on, to marry Greg? The thought still caused an uneasiness in my stomach. I think I just needed to hear Jasper say it again, seeing as I fainted, maybe I misheard him? Hell, I’m not even sure I know what to believe anymore myself! There was only one thing I wanted, and that was to see Jasper. Once Spot was saddled, I looped the lasso around my saddle horn, and made my way to the open meadow.

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After leaving Grace’s home, Jane thanked me for keeping her informed, and assured me that having that tough conversation with Grace was a big step. It was a step of commitment between Jane and I, and a step of letting go from my past, as I realized how toxic my feelings were for Grace. “Temptation is the breeding ground of sin and desire.” Jane had been saying that, in her biblical way of encouraging me to remain this new course I was traveling on. One to a more righteous life. I think I finally understood what the Pastor had been trying to tell me. I’ve loved Grace, and perhaps a part of me always will. But I loved her for all the wrong reasons. I had begun to pray before falling asleep every night, since everyone said it’d help me figure out how to move forward. Afterwards, I went to bed that night with a sense of relief, hopes of a new beginning.

The following morning I went to do my morning chores in the barn, as I finished I could see a horse off in the distance, galloping across the meadow. There was only one person it could be, Grace. I walked to the back of the barn, leaned against the wooden panels patiently awaiting her arrival. She appeared to be riding with purpose, Spot was running full speed and Grace’s hair whipped around in the wind like a cape. It was refreshing to see her riding again, usually she rode Spot nearly everyday and it had been weeks since I'd seen her with Spot. She sure can ride, Jasper wondered if he should send Jane a message about it, but remembered how she told him she trusted him. Believing Grace’s visit to be harmless, he shook the worry from his mind. “Well now, I was beginning to wonder if you remembered how to ride!” I teased, a broad smile on my face, glad to see her in what appeared to be better spirits than last night. “I’m beginning to wonder the same about you, cowboy!” She retorted with a sarcastic laugh. “What’s that you got there?” I asked her, noticing the rope on her western saddle. “Don’t tell me, Mr. Rodeo doesn’t recognize his own lasso?!” Could it be? After all this time, she still had my lasso? Why? “You kept it?” “Sure did. Actually, I came to return it to its rightful owner. You might know him.” A small laugh slipped, and I remembered back to my younger days, wrangling calves and aspiring to be a bull rider. “Yeah, I think he might be around here. I’ll be sure to give it to him.” I played along with her, a refreshing smile shared between us both. “So, you and Jane huh?” “Is that really why you came? Wanted to make sure you weren’t dreaming?” I asked, slightly guarded. “Relax, I…I’m just glad you’re happy, Jasper.” “Well, thank you.” There was a brief silence between us, “So, should I start calling you Mrs. Combs?” As she dismounted, letting Spot wander, she showed me her hands with a slight smirk on her face. I didn’t see the ring I know I recalled on her finger. “What happened? Did he hurt you?” I asked, stormy, angered, and concerned. “No! No, I just needed to make sure I was making the right decision. It didn’t feel right to wear it, at least not right now.” I was stunned, I thought for sure Grace was madly bewitched by that slime ball, a slight relief came over me, glad she was beginning to see him for who he was. “Well, can’t say it doesn’t make me happier.” “Oh!” “You deserve better Grace.” My tone was crisp, and my eyes pierced hers, hoping it sunk in how much I disliked Greg. “What do I deserve?” She asked flirtatiously, “Someone better than a thief like him.” Grace’s face softened, “I know we talked the other night, but I just…” Sudden concern came crashing like a wave. Grace had always been my temptation, my kryptonite. I needed to be prepared for whatever desires arise. Grace came even closer, “I just need to know if there’s still anything between us.” Grace spoke breathlessly, she began to rise on her tip toes, as if wanting a kiss. “I…” I tried to speak, to warn her. But I was frozen, I couldn’t move, panic and yet curiosity mixed like a tonic. I shouldn’t allow this to happen, but it was like my muscles couldn’t respond. Grace’s lips brushed mine, and as there always had been, sparks flew between us. My body reacted on instinct, and like a rubber band I pushed myself away. “No. I…Grace…” I looked at her pleading with her to stop. Befuddled by her rash actions. “You and I both know we’re making mistakes. We shouldn’t sell ourselves short.” “No, I’m with Jane, Grace…this, us…I just can’t.” Before she could tempt me further I pushed past her, wiping my hand over my lips that still tingled with her touch. I rushed into the house going straight to the bathroom trying to wash the mistake that just occurred off of me! As if I was trying to erase the taste of Grace’s kiss, the way she smelled of roses. It was as if my senses were hypersensitive to her. Why did I let that happen?! I was angry with myself, I couldn’t keep this from Jane, but what would she do when she finds out? Would it cause more harm than good? But, then again, I promised to be honest and open with her. The indecision was tearing me apart as guilt crept into my chest. “Jasper? I know you’re in there. I heard the sink.” Grace was on the other side of the locked bathroom door. “Jasper?” I pulled my emotions together, braving Grace once and for all. This had to end. I reluctantly opened the door to find Grace in tears on the other side. “Grace?” “I’m sorry Jasper! I shouldn’t…” It tore me to see her in such pain, and my instinct was to pull her into a hug. I rested my chin atop her head as my broad arms secured her to my chest. Her hot tears seeped through my shirt. “I can’t do this Grace.” I whispered, rubbing her back hoping to ease her pain. “I’m with Jane, and I not only love her, I respect her.” Grace sniffled and lifted her head, her teary eyes meeting mine, sorrow poured from me. “I hope she makes you happy, Jasper.” Grace whispered, as if coming to terms that I was not romantically interested in her, at least not right now. There was always doubt about my relationship with Jane, I believed at some point she’d see me for who I was, what I was. I lost, helpless cowboy. A boy who struggles to be a man. She deserves so much more than what I have to offer, but I’m offering every ounce of my existence to her. “I love you, Jasper.” “I know, Grace. I love you too.” “If you love me, why are you pushing me away?” “I chased you, for years. But you always ran away. Eventually, I stopped flinching from the pain it’d cause me.” Grace was silent, receiving the depths and truth in my words. Grace’s sobbing had run dry, and she handed me my lasso, “You left this by the barn.” She said, trying to force a smile. “Grace, thank you for understanding. And thank you for returning this.” Grace smiled, her head dropping slightly as she turned and left the house. My eyes dropped to my old lasso, “Let’s put you somewhere safe, hmm?” I went to a lone shelf hanging on the wall in my bedroom. I carefully looped my lasso around a hook hanging from the shelf, “There!” I stepped back admiring the way the lasso hung loose, yet full of memorable pride within, I was catching myself staring at it in awe.