Knotted Roots - Part 10

Ever since Jane and I started dating, we had gone on a few dates, went horseback riding, and the day I looked forward to the most, finally rolled around. It was Sunday, the day he got to learn more about this God he became infectiously curious about, and the remainder of the day would be with Jane. Jasper got dressed, and quickly descended the stairs, “Pa!” “In here Jasper!” Pa was sitting in the living room, dressed well, suspiciously well. “What’s this about?” I asked him, curious about his fancy attire. “Well, I was hoping I could join you today, if that’s okay?” A broad smile spread across my face, “Come on old man, can’t be late to get Jane!” And with that we were off to Jane’s. Pa remained in the truck, while I retrieved Jane from her front porch.

“I’m so glad you’re joining us this mornin’!” Jane exclaimed climbing into the middle of the bench seat, nestled between myself and Pa. “Well, I know my wife would have liked to see me go, and Jasper here can’t seem to put that book down. I didn’t know he read anything!” Pa teased, as we made our way to the church.

I walked with Jane arm in arm, and Pa walked ahead, seeing some of his old friends he wanted to catch up with. “It’s really sweet that you brought him.” “He insisted, and I was actually happy to hear he wanted to come.” “Why’s that?” “I’m not sure. I’m really not sure about anything anymore.” “Really? Care to explain? Maybe I could help?” Jane asked, her brilliantly hopeful eyes contagious. “Alright. Well, forgiveness. The bible says that we should forgive, as Christ has forgiven us.” “Yes, that’s right. Forgiveness is hard, but necessary.” “It’s just, well…I’m not sure if I’m forgiven.” “Well, have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?” That seemed to be the million dollar question! Did I? Did I truly believe this bible, and what was in it? Did I believe like Jane believed? I still wasn’t sure. “I don’t know.” Jane gave me her ‘it’s going to be fine’ look, and we walked into the church and took our spots in the congregation. Pa, sat in front of us next to his old friends who appeared to enjoy his company as well. After the sermon, I always found myself sitting in the pew, pondering everything. Jane had learned this behavior and she would always give me that time, my space. It was comforting, and gracious of her. I often wonder what she sees in me. “Ah! Jasper, how are you young lad?” Pastor Dave always came to check in with me. “I'm the same as ever.” “Lost in your thoughts?” “Yeah, you could say that.” “What kind of questions do you have today?” “Well, I was reading about forgiveness. And I was asking Jane about it, but everyone asks me the same thing.” “What do they ask?” “Have I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior?” I repeated to him, a smile still cornered on my lips, “Well?” “Well what?” “Have you?” “To be honest Pastor, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I've forgiven myself.” “What do you mean?” I wasn’t sure why, but I felt compelled to explain everything from leaving the ranch, to my lifestyle, and returning home. I explained how I had feelings for Grace and what I had done, and how Jane assisted in giving me time, space, and overcoming my feelings of betrayal, of infidelity. How coming to church was infectious to me, how I yearned for more insight, but never understanding anything. “What’s holding you back?” Pastor Dave asked me, “From?” “From forgiving yourself, and asking God for His forgiveness? He freely gives us redemption Jasper, we need only believe. To abide in a life devoted to Him. Yet, you cling to something of the flesh, and until you can identify what that is, I don’t think you’re going to find what you’re looking for.” “How do I discover what it is?” I asked, as if desperate. “Pray.” With that the Pastor stood, patted my shoulder and left. I sat there, still in my thoughts about what was still wrong with me, what was my heart clinging to that I needed God’s help with? “Thought I’d find you here.” Pa’s voice echoed in the empty sanctuary. “Pa, how are you, we can leave if you need to…” “Oh no! No. I’m quite well actually. I just wanted to speak to you about something on my mind lately.” “Sure Pa.” I motioned for him to sit beside me, his frail hands clinging to his walking cane. “When you returned home, I always thought you and Grace would have this fairytale romance, and live happily ever after. I saw the way you look at her Jasper, you loved her.” “I did.” “Ah! And that’s my point precisely. See we can love someone, but not be in love with them. What you have with Jane, well. Women like her don’t come around, well…ever!” “She’s too good for me…” “Yes, but she loves you. And I see how you look at her too!” There was an endearment in Pa’s eyes, and I couldn’t help but have a sheepish grin on my face. I do love Jane, and I’d be foolish to not give her every part of me. “I’m not sure what you’re wrestling with in your mind lately Jasper, but I do know love when I see it, and you and Jane. Well, you have my blessing.” Pa’s words were a relief. It made me feel good to know he deeply loved Jane, that he blessed our relationship. “Thank you Pa.” We stood, and went to the fellowship hall where Jane was with a few other women from the church. “Jasper! Pa!” Jane greeted us as we entered, and saying goodbye to the others. “Hope we didn’t interrupt your chat.” Pa politely stated, “Oh, no. I was actually about to start looking for you two! Thought y’all had gotten lost.” We all shared a laugh and exited the church, my arm pulling Jane into my side, her head leaning against my shoulder. We made our way back to Jane’s where her parents had already made lunch and had the football game on their small television. Pa and them were in the living room, while Jane and I set the table. “So, any new insights today?” Jane asked, “Yeah, but I’m just going to have to pray about it, I guess. At least, that’s what Pastor Dave suggested.” “That’s a great place to start.” Jane encouraged me to pursue my faith, yet never rushed me to make any concrete decisions about it. After enjoying a nice meal, Pa and I headed home so he could rest from such an eventful day. When I returned home, I went upstairs to shower and then to check my phone, which I purposefully leave when attending church, and he was surprised to see a text from Grace! I opened the text which read, “Can we hang out tonight? I’m sorry for our argument, I just need to talk to you.” Jasper felt conflicted, perhaps he didn’t need prayer. Perhaps, he just needed to talk to Grace, tell her he no longer has feelings for her, and that he’s dating Jane? But first, I need to let Jane know about this, it would feel wrong to agree to Grace’s wishes and not tell Jane about it. Dialing Jane’s number, he breathed a sigh of relief when she answered the phone. “Hey love!” “Is everything alright? Is your Pa okay?” She asked concerned, as I usually never call her after supper, out of respect for our parents’ time and having our own personal time was also important. “Yes, yes, everything’s alright. Look, I want to run something by you, it’s about Grace.” “Grace? What’s going on.” “I haven’t responded yet, because I wanted to talk to you first.” “Okay…” “She wants to speak to me about something, I’m not sure what about, but would you feel okay if I met her?” “You’re a grown man, Jasper.” “Yeah, and you’re my girlfriend. I respect and love you Jane, I just wanted to honor our agreement.” “You and Grace have a history, yes. But I trust you Jasper, you’ve given me no reason to believe otherwise.” “Thank you, Jane.” “I love you, Jasper.” “I love you too, Jane.” After hanging up with her, I texted Grace back, “Name the time and place.”

—

The following morning from my proposal with Greg, he returned me home, the dazzling ring on my finger for the world to see! I was mesmerized by the way light danced off the diamonds! Mama and Pa greeted Greg and I on the front porch, their warm hugs a refreshing familiarity. “Mama. Pa. We’re engaged!” I exclaimed, pure joy escaping my lips! “Oh! Congratulations dear! Let’s see the ring!” Mama exclaimed, grasping my hand immediately and was mesmerized just as much as I. Pa seemed to fidget, but he remained composed, “Congratulations honey bee! I just love seeing you happy.” If he was disheartened, he hid it well under his smile, I wasn’t sure if I detected a sadness in his voice or not. “Come inside! There’s so much to talk about!” Mama was clearly eager to get to wedding planning and hearing all about the proposal! So we went inside and I shared the whole experience with her! Her eyes watered with endearment. “That all sounds so lovely!” “Well, we’d better get to planning! Have you told Jasper yet?” Mama asked, “Jasper?” “He’s one of your closest friends! Y’all share everything with each other!” My eyes dropped to the floor, and I was speechless. I had nearly forgotten about my recent argument with Jasper, unsure of why he’s so angry with me. “Oh, forgive me dear. I was only being nosey.” I shook my head to let her know she was okay for asking, but there was a sadness rising to my chest, I feared that telling Jasper would cause me to lose him forever! “I haven’t yet, but I will Mama.” I finally answered, as if motivating myself to face him. Mama left to call her friends and inform them of the news! I decided, there was no time like the present. Sending Jasper a text, she had hoped he’d agree to meet with her tonight. A few hours went by, and I still hadn’t received a response from Jasper, could he really be that angry with me? Ping! My phone went off, and much to my surprise, Jasper responded! “Tonight, 8pm, my place.” When it was getting close to eight, I threw on a loose shirt, jeans, and my rugged boots, ready to meet him at the front porch. I could hear his truck grumbling up the drive, and when he parked and exited, I went to greet him. “Jasper, I’m sorry!” “Sorry?” “For the other day, I shouldn’t have been so pushy! I just don’t understand what I did to make you so angry.” Jasper took a deep breath, breaking eye contact for a moment, “Grace, look. I’m sorry for, well I’m sorry that I wasn’t good enough for you.” “Good enough?” “Yeah, I…well, I saw you with Greg that morning.” “When?!” And then the sudden realization hit me, he saw Greg and I on that morning! The morning after I snuck back home after he and I had made sweet love in his bed. I wasn’t sure how to feel, but the ground beneath me felt unsteady! My vision blurred, and I felt what felt like two arms catching me as everything went black. When I woke up, I was in bed, Jasper was by my side, and another person. Who was that? I thought. “Grace?” Her voice sounded so familiar, I blinked hard, and then I saw her, it was Jane! What was she doing here?! And why is she sitting so close to Jasper?! “Grace. Easy, easy!” Jasper warned, concerned. “Jasper, what’s going on?” “Jane, may we have a moment dear?” Did Jasper just refer to Jane as ‘dear?!’ “Of course.” When Jane left, Jasper looked over at me, as if apologetic. “Now that you’re in a safer spot, in case you decide to pass out again.” He teased, “Well, I was trying to tell you…” “I got the part where you, where Greg and I…” “Yeah, we don’t need to get into the details.” “Jasper, that was…” “I see the ring, Grace. It’s very beautiful. You deserve to be happy.” His words came as a shocking blow, I had nearly forgotten it was there! Was he truly okay with it? “Look, Grace, I haven’t been completely honest with you either.” “What do you mean?” “Well, after I saw…” “Yes?” “Well, I sort of lost myself, and well Jane’s been there through it all. I figured you should hear it from me, that Jane and I are officially dating now. I’m in love with her, Grace.” I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing?! Jasper and Jane? Dating?! And did he say he was in love with her?! Surely, what was he to believe after he caught me with Greg in my bed, after I just made love to him! He probably felt like a fool, and yet, I’m the one being fooled! “I…” “It’s okay, Grace. You don’t have to say anything.” I couldn’t hurt him anymore than I already have, what could I say? And Jane, she doesn’t deserve to be caught in the middle of whatever this was between Jasper and I. “I’m happy for you too, Jasper. I’m glad you found someone like Jane.” “Thank you, Grace. You should rest, Jane and I will get out of here.” Without another word, I saw Jasper take Jane’s arm as he met her in the hallway, and left. I got up, clutching my head as I stumbled to the window, where I saw them exchange a brief kiss and part ways as he probably called her, after I had fainted. My heart ached in anguish, how could I have been so foolish?!