Karachi Chronicles Chapter 10

Our social currency is somewhat pegged to the strength of your nickname. Personally, growing up I’ve had a few including Bazza, Layba, Layknot, Leahy.D.D. and the staple Leahy. However, none of these come close to some of the classics we have at my club. We’ve got the relatively risky Nuts, Pubes, Ballbag and Mootface. There’s also the more politically correct yet catchy ones like Hooter, Teach, the Plumb, Donka, Lizard Man, Ship, Jesus, the Real, Patrick, Choofa, Yowie, Rowdy and Bluey. Personally, I’ve gotten the odd Scientist or Bobby (Willis or Sideshow) but have not yet graduated to full blown “what’s that bloke’s real name” status. Trust me, I’m not channelling my inner George Costanza*, because I know a lifetime nickname is only one stuff up away.

Before the trip we did have frequent online catch ups and meetings but after about four silver bullets†, I didn’t retain that much. Luckily, I did know a few of the guys already, but as a late inclusion to the squad I was still behind the eight ball. So, when the first day of the trip came along it was almost like starting a new job or being back at school. As a numbers guy who struggles to remember names and needs to invest a lot of energy in social settings, this was almost as testing as the heat in Karachi.

At the start of the trip, most of the nicknames in existence were the standard surname tweak, such as Milts, Dicko, Poolie, Leardy, Raders, Feathers, Kingy and so forth. There were also a few already established nicknames for the crew. These included (Prince) Harry, Rodger (Ramjet), the Doc and Muss. However, standing above all of these, the most engrained, was Jughead. I’m certain there are many people out in the wild that don’t even know his real name. This tripped me up a few times during the tour, such as when I was commentating with Falaksher Malik. He asked me a question about the openers heading out. I quickly spied Mackay on the back of his shirt and went to call him Ian MacKaye, after the Minor Threat and Fugazi frontman. Luckily, I just managed to catch myself and call him by his real name, spoiler alert, Craig Mackay.

Jughead plays his cricket in Queensland as a top order batsman and medium pace bowler. He managed a few good knocks on the tour, including an unbeaten half century, and was my pick of the fieldsmen for the trip. This wasn’t an easy call, as we did have a strong fielding team, including Harry who won the fielding award for the whole tournament. Possibly it was because Harry and Juggie were roomies and traded fielding tips each night. More likely, me being a lifelong skater, it was his shear body-on-the-line, reckless attitude that influenced my meritless opinion. In our first game against Canada, he’d already gotten horizontal at least three times in the first fifteen overs. It was clear he wanted to be there, what more could you want from a teammate. I’m also still devastated about the massive diving stop on the boundary at NSP that was overturned by the third umpire, which looked like a certain save live.

Early in the trip, I could tell Juggie wasn’t quite down with some of my peculiarities. I can’t blame him either, I’d probably be cagey if I had to hang around myself for an extended period as well. One of these many bad habits is my use of the word bra ironically. I’ve been doing it so much recently that I don’t even know when I’m taking the piss or not. However, despite all this, it only took a couple of days max to crack the veneer and end up sharing a lot of awesome memories on the trip. Personally, most special was just after receiving my baggy green at the team’s second game against Hong Kong. This surreal moment was capped when, during the rounds of congratulations, as Juggie shook my hand he leant in and just goes “Brraaaa.”

As expected, we did manage to establish a few more nicknames during the tour such as Durbinator, Starcy and Leard Tax (more of a moniker). However, it was the absence of a nickname for someone that caused a few moments of hilarity. This turned out to be a classic example of how easily one misplaced comment can leave you stuck with a new nickname. It went down at one of our frequent, full team meetings.

Without over sharing here, I will say that these consisted of stats from Kingy, tactics from Pooley and were followed up with a fines meeting. During one of these fines meetings, Stevie Mcclymont was coping it for not knowing peoples’ nicknames. Details are a bit hazy here but basically Steve was adamant he’d never had a nickname in his life. As punishment, he was made to go around the room and for everyone he couldn’t name correctly it was a fine. After circling the room without much trouble, Jacko interjected with, “you’ve seriously never had a nickname?” “Like you know, tripod or something like that?” Once the noise of seventeen mates’ raucous laughter dissipated, Stevie emerged with his first nickname. Unfortunately, it’s still unconfirmed how well tripod actually stood up.

As for myself, I also managed a to pickup nickname that stuck. On the surface it was essentially a simple name tweak. Just a silly play on words for an email address I created as a sixteen-year-old to unsuccessfully chase some American exchange students. I later used it for stuff like my insta handle and WhatsApp name, which is where the boys grabbed onto it. Being there for so many years, it’s funny that after so long, this was the first time I’d gotten the nickname Sleahya (pronounced Slayer).

Although I’m not sure you’re supposed to like your nickname, every time I heard “come on Slay” or something similar it made me feel part of the crew. Small things like this are what make-or-break any tour, especially when you are playing under the very foreign conditions we encountered in Karachi. It shows that a nickname is more than just a name. It’s an integral part of the mateship tapestry that binds a team together. Just like the amazing carpets for sale in the foyer of the PC Hotel, that all start out as single threads, it’s the connections that bind them together into something bigger and better.

* Seinfeld, “The Maid,” season 9; ep. 19

† Silver Bullet - slang for the Australian beer Reschs Pilsener