I Want an Outside Perspective

Introspection comes so naturally and overthinking is so familiar that I can get stuck mentally spinning all too easily, looking at my own thoughts from every possible perspective. Surely after thinking on something the way I’m in the habit of doing I can trust I have an accurate picture of the thing.

Some might say I’m too close; I need that outside perspective to give me a better, broader view. But I’m quite capable of taking a good step back to think over things from a higher vantage point.

The need for an outside perspective goes deeper than that.

My thoughts are like little rivulets flowing down as the sun hits a showy mountainside. They come together and collect in one spot and the puddle turns into a pond, then a lake.

The trouble is, without an outlet, that body of water will become a dead sea.

So it is with my thoughts. I must share them and receive that that outside perspective in order for them to stay and active. An outlet lets them keep flowing.

———————————————————————————————————————

Two weeks of living in this new, temporary home and it's still a cluttered mess.

I felt the shame pulse from chest to fingertips and toes then rush to my head when the maintenance man came to fix the towel bar-not because we broke it (we didn't) or even because I thought he would think I'm dirty or disorganized. The shame came from someone seeing me not holding to my own standards.

The maintenance man stopping in wasn't enough motivation to do anything about it though. I figured he wouldn't care and my mess wasn't preventing him from doing what he needed to do, so it stayed.

But we couldn't have dinner guests without clearing the dining table.

It's actually a sort of life hack I've come to lean on-invite someone over for an activity that absolutely requires that a space in the house must be tidies and well, it must be tidied.

Yet another way I've been craving an outside perspective: it isn't just the outlet of other eyes seeing and encouraging flow in my mental space, looking at my physical space through someone else's eyes that can get me moving again too.

———————————————————————————————————————

I don't want to admit how well body-doubling works—especially because I also have that neurodivergent trait about hating being perceived, so you'd think they'd cancel each other out.

When I thought they were both just trauma responses it made sense:

Body-doubling, aka having another person in the room while doing a task like tidying up or washing dishes, made me feel watched and therefore more accountable for what I'd set out to do and therefore guilty for doing anything but being the most efficient that I could possibly be. 

The trauma response part of this came from my mom always grilling me about what I'd been doing while she wasn't around. You can imagine the pressure when she was watching, which leads to the "fear of being perceived" bit. To this day I hate being watched or questioned while I'm doing something-even something I'm very good at and proud of (and would happily info-dump about so long as I wasn't also actually doing the thing at the same time).

Apparently though these responses are not just brought on my trauma. They're more innate than that for autistic people like me.

I don't get it, but I have to admit it's true. Yeah, my mom not being aware and accommodating made things worse, but as I've experimented with both body-doubling and being perceived while I'm in a safe environment with safe people, it's become clear.

That outside perspective can be really quite helpful—even and especially when the motivation from fear isn't a factor.

———————————————————————————————————————

Read more of my journal entries in the Chapters Community: