Harper's Hill, Chapter 18: Never-Ending Nightmares

James was under the kitchen table again.

Even at the young age of nine, James would often hide under the kitchen table when his parents would fight. He started this habit when he was five, and it just stuck.

It wasn’t even that his parents were fighting — the situation would be more accurately described as his father mistreating his mother, and he never understood why he did this, even when he became an adult.

James peeked out from under the table. He saw his father looming over his mother, looking down at her like he would often do. “Ray—” His mother squeaked, trying to push him away. However, her hands were nothing against this concrete wall of a man.

“Shut up,” His father spat at his mother. He was holding her against the wall, and she was unable to escape. James turned and saw his little sister, Emily, standing in the doorway and watching with a look of pure terror on her face.

Tears fell from Emily’s eyes as she stared, and as soon as their mother saw the first tear fall from Emily’s little doe eyes, she started crying even harder.

James didn’t know what to do. He never knew what to do. It was always like this in their house — he would say that he missed the good old days if they had ever existed in the first place. If only there was something he could do… before it was too late.

James frequently felt like he was still stuck in this life as an adult, straddling the line between the past and the present, as they would often bleed together. Even though the presence of parents in his life was long gone, he could still remember the fear that once rumbled through his house daily, like a terrible thunderstorm that just couldn’t pass. He worried that he himself could be the cause for the return of this storm.

He didn’t remember waking up, he was just awake. He didn’t remember falling asleep either. He had remembered Riley, who showed her concern by tending to James’s every need like she was his nurse, but at this point, he didn’t have the love in his heart for her.

It had been days since Emily had been home. She hadn’t even reached out. He had no idea what was going on or where she was, and he was losing his mind.

Lately, he had been trying to worry less when it came to Emily. She was becoming more independent. She was reaching out to members of the family, which bothered him a little bit, but he knew he needed to let her do what she needed to do. Regardless, she would always let him know where she was, especially if she wouldn’t be home, so the fact that she was radio-silent was terrifying for him.

James had called, texted, emailed, and Facebook messaged, all to no avail. This had never happened before. For the past 10 years, James had known where Emily was at almost every second of the day. He had stepped into the role of Emily’s father long ago, back when Ray left, or more like — when James told Ray to leave.

James didn’t know whether he regretted confronting his father or not. He had seen the pain and turmoil roll through his sister as a result, but in his mind, he was preventing further trauma by getting rid of the infection right at the source. It hurts really bad right away, but then it’s gone, and it doesn’t spread all throughout your bones and take over your body, making you feel like you’re laying in fire and that your whole essence is burning.

James didn’t have an essence to burn away right now. It was gone. Emily disappearing like this had sent him into a major spiral, and for the past three days (or so, he couldn’t really tell), he hadn’t been functioning normally. Riley felt like she was pulling teeth to get him to eat. To shower. To sleep. And when he did sleep, he just had nightmares about the past. Except that they were real and had happened.

James looked up to see Riley standing in the bedroom doorway. “Hi,” She said softly, noticing that he noticed her.

“How long have you been standing there?” He asked.

“Just long enough to watch you wake up,” She said. She was silent for a few seconds. “How are you feeling?”

James shrugged, choosing not to speak. Riley bit her lip, looking down at the ground as she moved closer to the bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress. “James… talk to me,” Riley pleaded with him, looking up at him and reaching a hand forward.

James pulled back, looking at her like he had the wrath of God flowing through him. “I don’t want to talk.”

“I’m struggling right now, too…”

James refused to speak again. He turned away.

“I need you right now, just as much as you need me. I care about Emily too, we can get through this together.”

James felt like exploding. He wanted to remind her that she had only known Emily for a fraction of the time that he had known Emily, but he was interrupted by the doorbell.

James catapulted out of bed and ran downstairs. Was it Emily? The hope in his heart quickly faded into a black hole of emptiness when he saw that it wasn’t Emily standing on their front steps, but their cousin, Nicole.

James didn’t know much about Nicole, just that she had been spending a lot of time with Emily recently. “Uh, hi,” He said, feeling confused. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m delivering a message,” Nicole explained, “From Emily.” She paused and James felt his heart start to race faster with every millisecond that moved time forward. “Stop reaching out to her.” Nicole crossed her arms over her chest.

“Excuse me?” James asked, not really believing the audacity that Nicole had right in this moment.

“I said stop reaching out to her,” Nicole shrugged, trying to seem threatening but nonchalant at the same time. “She does not want to talk to you right now.”

“Where is she?” James asked, completely ignoring Nicole’s words.

“None of your business,” She said. “She’s not in Harper’s Hill. She’s not in Redwood. Don’t bother looking for her because she doesn’t want to be found. Stop texting her and calling her — leave her alone.”

James stared at her in disbelief. “I don’t believe you.”

Nicole shrugged and rolled her eyes, letting out a small chuckle. “Believe whatever you want, but this comes straight from Emily. I think you should probably believe what I’m saying, rather than sit here and stew in your own trauma and abandonment issues,” She spat out, a harsh edge to her tone, but then she paused. She put her hand on his shoulder gently. “I know you want to help her, and you can do that by leaving her alone. At least she wants you to know that she’s okay.”

James shrugged off Nicole’s touch, the lack of sleep starting to get to him. He stepped forward, causing Nicole to step back quickly.

“Leave,” James said, pain and anger tripping through his tone, oozing like spoiled honey out of a cracked jar, leaving behind sticky years of unspoken hurt. “Fucking leave.”

“What?” Nicole asked, now being the one in surprise.

“You heard me,” He said, his tone sharp.

“I heard you, but you can’t talk to me like that,” Nicole said, her tone equally as sharp.

“I can talk to you however I like,” He threatened her as he stepped towards her, and then yelled, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE,”

Riley was suddenly beside James, her hand on his shoulder. “James—” She said softly.

“It’s fine,” Nicole interrupted. “At least now I know.”

“What do you know?” He asked, not anticipating what he was about to say.

“It’s you,” Nicole directed at James, and then scoffed. “You’ve been making Emily think that your father was the villain for years, but you did something, and I don’t know what it was…” She looked him straight in the eyes. “You’re the villain.”

Nicole’s words shot through James, cutting him straight through to the core. He closed the door in her face and walked away from Riley, going back upstairs to his bed.

He just lay there. Emily must have known. He wondered if she had talked to their father and gotten the truth about why he had left all those years ago. James had wanted to be the one to tell Emily, so that he could explain himself. He needed to explain to her why she did it. But now she was gone, and she saw him as the bad guy, when he was just trying to protect her the whole time.

How could he not have seen? Was he hurting Emily more than he was helping her? Was he really the villain?