Dealing with death

“You good buddy?”

I felt a nudge against my shoulder. I made a disoriented but conscious enough groan that the unknown face replied.

“You shouldn’t be out here tonight man, the temperature is supposed to drop off a cliff.”

“Ya, ya… I will find some shelter. Thanks.” I opened my eyes to prove I am here among the living, even though the drop from the cliff he mentioned allured me more than reality. I met his eyes and gave a weak smile.

“You good? Really?”

“Mhmm.” Leave me alone I thought, just looking at his clear skin and eyes, not to mention the fact he cared enough to worry for me… makes me sick. “Thanks.”

“Okay.”

I took a second to get my bearings and figure out what part of town I passed out this time. Not that it matters anymore, the goal was to never have to do that again. Another failed attempt, my one talent, failing when all else could never.

The cold cement of the side walk against my torn dinghy clothes did little to prevent the heat from escaping. I wish I could escape as effectively. As the drug induced blur in my eyes began to fade, I saw across the street the mom and pop pizza store was still open. I guess I could stand to have pizza as my last meal, again.

I lumbered to my feet, body broken and ailing. As I stepped the soul of my shoe caught under me and I almost ended up right back where I came from but I guess my balance is still passable enough to keep me vertical.

A couple strolled by hand in hand towards me, with a look of triumph in their eyes for having everything I never could. It hurts but I push that down and pivot to judgment. They will get hit by life someday, they wouldn’t stand a chance in the face of struggle. No way, how could they, even I folded to life’s whims. They aren’t cut from the cloth I am, no one is.

“Change to spare?” I voiced.

I saw the flash of disgust in his eyes and the pity in hers. Disgust I can handle but pity isn’t a cup of tea I need to drink from.

“Come on.” She nudged him. “Help him out.”

He reluctantly slide his hand in his pin stripped trousers and said. “You gonna use this for drugs?”

“No.” I pointed, “pizza.” I could see he didn’t believe me so I offered. “You can watch me go in if you are so concerned.”

He extended a $100I grasped it and thought, must be fucking nice to be able to just hand out $100s. “Thanks.”

“Stay warm.” The condescending woman said.

As they strolled off my mind wandered back to my former life but with a jolt of pain I was catapulted back to the suffering that is my current existence. I slipped the cash in my back pocket, the one I still have. I suppose I should at least pretend to get the pizza incase I fall short again and need another try. The high helps for a time but inevitably I will get tormented again. Even the withdrawal that begins to take hold of my body when I am dry is preferable to my non pacified thoughts. They need to end and with this much flow in my back pocket, I may finally be able to make it a reality. Sweet nothingness. The final release.

I too a glance and noted the couple was no where to see, so the pizza was forgone and my plugs location was calibrated. To the right,, my eyes were greeted with a drab street with broken down cars, neglected store fronts and the realization that my being is reflected in such sights.

The story of how I got here is irrelevant, former loved ones would say it’s the drugs but that’s just a symptom of my soul. I wore a pretty put together mask but for as long as I care to remember I’ve drowned in sorrow. I can’t blame them for not seeing that but even still I do, all the while knowing if they were privy to my true self. I would have denied it. I am too proud to need someone to lean on, I was to do it myself.

I hobbled across the intersection, body deforming from all the abuse I have inflicted. I hadn’t realized it gad gotten this bad though, I suppose that won’t matter if all goes to plan.

Hopefully my guy was still at this spot and has yet to rotate position for the night. With too much distance to walk and talk myself out of it, I may chicken out again. With a silent prayer to god knows who… If he even exists. I rounded the corner craving the outline of his now familiar figure.

Ah yes, he is still here. I wonder what he would do if he knew my plans? Best to keep your customers above ground but hard to pass up a sale. Especially when i actually have a tangible amount of money this time. I quickened my pace towards my ultimate fate.

“Yo, back again? I ain’t doing any $5 pieces anymore tonight bro. It’s a hassle.”

I flashed the bill from my back pocket and watched as his eyes glinted at the prospect of lining wallet with an unexpected sale.

“Give me as much as you can for this.”

He snagged the bill and signalled to his coworker down the street.

“Pleasure doin’ business with you.”

I knew the drill, he takes the payment and his boy delivers the blessing.

“Ay yo, this shit slaps be careful.”

A vapid smile formed on my lips. Perfect.

Chapter 2

This spot is as good as any for my final resting place. It is a quite dark corner of the park, concealed by bushes so little chance of anyone venturing by and trying to be a hero. The only hero I need is right here in this bag. It has the power to wipe away everything that’s come before it, oblivion. Along with that I have long since let go of the fantasy of an afterlife, which is perfectly okay with me. Even if there was an afterlife and even if I made it to heaven, it would still be me there and I don’t see how anything would change. A lost and lacking soul is what it is.

I began my meticulous process of preparing my executioner. The steps are second nature to me at this point, the only difference is this time I added more than I ever have in the past. The whole bag, hopefully when he said it was strong that was code for fentanyl, I am sure I have done it in the past but unknowingly. Maybe not, perhaps the job would already been done in that case.

I watched as the flames flickered on the bottom of my well used spoon, I imagined the flames burning away all the sins of my past. Even still, the face of my mother flashed before my eyes and briefly reignited the love I once cherished in my younger years. They rightfully abandoned me and now I plan to do the same to them. They’ll be better off, when I see the pain I caused in all their eyes, it only served to exacerbate my own. I tell myself that is why I had to close myself off to their attempts at help. It was misplaced and ignored by me. I am ready to be unburden by their wishes.

Ding. Ding! The brew is fermented in a manner of speaking. So I tightened the rubber band around my arm with my right hand and mouth to grip. As the tension began to expose the last of my viable veins. I almost asked what the fuck am I doing? Almost, but the time for questions has long since passed. The needle bite as it punctured my feeble mortal barrier . Before I let myself question my choices I slammed the plunger in.

Yes! The warm embrace enveloped my soul. Reminiscent of the long forgotten comfort we all feel in the womb. Safe, steady, loving. I never wanted to leave there; or even be there but I was and I am. Only now as the drugs clouded my thoughts I realized I strive to go back. This feels different, I… can’t finish my thought. What is the purpose?

I don’t have one, I don’t need one. Everything feels right, I watched in awe as this piercing light surrounded my being and captivated every crevasse of my desire. Where is this? Where am I? It’s difficult to gather my thoughts or even recount… anything.

“I still remember my first time, intoxicating isn’t it?”

The disembodied voice barely registered through my bliss.

“Enjoy it… while it’s abundant. Not too distinct from the substance that got you here, no?”

Substance, that word unleashed the memories of a past that feels long forgotten and irrelevant.

“You’re probably wondering where you are and a person such as yourself most importantly wants to know what is this feeling.”

I thought yes but the force of this immense pleasure inhibited my voice.

“Yes, yes… well where you are is a bit complicated, even I after all these millennia don’t quite understand it. But I suppose that isn’t in my job description. As for the feeling, well that is the God you mortals wage your reckless wars over. I am remise to say there will be no 72 virgins, although you aren’t a Muslim. I, myself was still disappointed when faced with that fact though. You know, you… we, I got many things wrong. I was quite the religious chap in my day, albeit a miserable one but come on? With all those rules how could you not? You could only imagine my disappointment when I realized that was all for naught. The man upstairs is truly a forgiving man, I mean how could he not, he isn’t ignorant to the suffering of the world… look at me babbling as always, I do apologize I don’t interact with many lively people. I so rejoice in such opportunities, you could even say it’s freeing.”

The words spoken, I heard but their content is repressed by this all encompassing acceptance.

“No need to respond, the free ride shall be ending shortly and I suspect you’ll have much to say then. The peak always conjures the wrath of the comedown. As you know.”

That message was loud and clear but only due to the fact that the warm embrace, gods embrace? Started to detach itself from my soul. Familiar feelings of self loathing and despair started to bleed back in.

“No! No! No!”

“Ah there you go.” The mysterious and now menacing voice said. “Now, I know it may be a minute before we can truly have a discussion but I am glad to have a partner in this conversation.”

With every syllable spoken by this jarring, person? The intoxicant drained from my body only to be replaced by my faculties.

“What the fuck?”

“Indescribable sensation, no?”

“I need it back, you don’t understand. What happened? You said that was God? Did he choose to neglect me even in… death? Am I dead?”

“That you are my boy, you finally succeeded. Congrats, is it everything you were hoping for?”

“YOU DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION. WHAT HAPPENED TO WHATEVER THAT HIGH WAS?”

“Ah but there are no highs without the lows. As for this particular situation, I reclaimed the gift god can giveth.”

Despite the highest peak I had just experienced, my thoughts were clear. Clearer than they have been, maybe ever.

“So if I am to understand, you robbed me of my god given right? What gives YOU the right?”

“I would watch your tone, just because our lord is forgiving, doesn’t mean the tales you mortals concocted about Hell are false. I really am in awe of the imagination of man who predicted the depth of hell so accurately. So keep that in mind.”

The coldness of his last sentence sent an immense chill directly to my core. I couldn’t help but wonder why someone like me wasn’t sent there in the first place.

“Because I have had my eyes on you.”

Through a void in the consuming light a decrepit figure appeared. The sight of his malted corpse incited the curiosity of the shell I left behind. How will that look once it is finally found?

“That is irrelevant now, you decided life had left you wanting. And yes I can read your mind if you are wondering. A delectable twisted mash of misery and delusion. My favourite.”

“Okay, sir..”

“Drop the formalities.”

“Okay…?” I said hoping for some clarity.

“Just call me Death for now, that is my business after all.”

“Okay Death.” As the words left my lips and uncomfortable realization form in my mind. “I will try to be cordial, what happened to that release from pain I felt before? Why would you take it?”

“Because I have a plan for you but mostly just because I can.”

I felt a well of hopeless angry rise with in me along with the familiar relinquish of power to the man who deals in the business of my remedy.

“Now, now. There’s no need to get testy, I took it, so naturally I can give it back.”

A wave of relief calmed the wakes with in me. “I’ll do anything.” I said meagrely, I didn’t want to seem so desperately hopeless.

“Oh, I know. And I will hold you to that.”

“Look just tell me what I need to do?”

“I’ve been looking for some time off, you mortals drop like flies when compared to my perspective. And every year it is just more and more and more and more. It gets quite annoying. So I am just looking for an extra pair of hands to lighten my load. In exchange for that I will slowly open your soul back up to the grace of God. Can’t have you overdosing again.”

“I’ll do it, I mean, yes I’ll do it but how exactly am I supposed to do that?”

“It’s really quite simple, I just need you to sign this contract, which will allow me to grant you my powers to assist souls in the transition between realms. I will supervise of course but I am not one to micromanage.”

“I don’t know how to determine who should live or die.”

“Don’t overthink it, that part is implicit to each individual. So, what do you say? As a signing bonus I’ll throw in a little bit of that new obsession of yours.”

That is all I needed to hear. With certainty in my eyes the devilish entity conjured a thick ledger and a tool to engrave my conditional loyalty to him. As the last swoosh of my signature was laid, an inexplicable rush wiped away any fears of this deal not being in my best interests.

Ch 3

“Wakey, wakey, no need for eggs and bacey. I do dearly miss uniquely human necessity. It hasn’t been long since you past, describe your last meal to me in detail. Go!”

I wiped the fatigue from my eyes out of habit even though I experienced none.

“If we don’t have to eat anymore, why do we need to sleep?”

A surprisingly charming laugh came from death my new master. As I moved my eyes towards its direction I was met with a much more pleasant sight than last I saw him. Conventionally attractive and dressed like a celebrity.

“That was no sleep.” He spoke, in spite of his appearance there was no mistaking his unsettling aura. “You blacked out, nothing new to you of course. It happened to me my first few times as well. So in other words happens to the best of us, in a manner of speaking.”

“So does that mean you used to be human as well?”

“But of course, why else would I asked you to describe to me my former infatuation with the delectable morsels that the physical body needs. Nonetheless, it is probably best not to be reminded. It’ll only lead fuel my envy and I am not a fair man in the face of that emotion.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I wasn’t eating very well near the end. So I can’t even begin to remember the joy of a delicious meal.”

“Sure you can.”

Immediately I was hit with a vivid long forgotten memory from my childhood. I was sat around the dinner table with my parents and three brothers. It has been so long since I allowed myself to look upon their faces, even if only in my mind’s eye. Even with four ravenous boys my parents always ensure there was plenty to go around. They really did try to love us and not to say they didn’t but i always felt different, for as long as i cared to remember. Perhaps it was just me but I felt held to a different standard, blamed for each of my brother’s infractions. I could never help but wonder if it was because I was the most present and reliant on their guidance. Before I got too deep the words from death brought me back.

“No use getting bogged down in the details now, you chose to forgo their love in pursuit of your own relief. But yes, I can understand the beliefs of any mortal. And I can say Despite their love they needed a target and you were an available one. They did love you though, and you aren’t as absolved of blame as you believe.”

“I know.”

“But do you? That is the question.” Before I had o chance to ponder, his demeanour changed. “Now, I let you bathe in the bliss of our lord and saviour but we have business to conduct. I would ask if you are ready but I don’t particularly care.”

“That is fair but one, maybe two questions. What is with the change in appearance… and how?”

“I have been told I am a bit off putting, to be honest I enjoy that fact. But I figured in the interest of welcoming my new employee I would satisfy his superficial view of the world.”

I let the insult slide without a second thought because I know his perception is lacking.

Preceded by a warm chuckle he said. “Let’s go. Day one, you learn on the job.”

Ch4

I am not sure I understand what just happened, the purifying void we were inhabiting was slowly filled with familiar objects from my past. First a desk, then a wheelchair, once the long corridor manifested, everything spawned at once.

“Welcome back, did you miss this?”

“Where are we?” I wondered.

“You know, this is the good old sack of suffering you called earth. I never really appreciated the beauty in it while I was living. Although it looked much different in my days. Do you know doctors never even used to wash their hands then? To think, how silly in retrospect.”

In lie of his comments The backdrop made it apparent we were in a hospital. “Ya, well doctors aren’t so great now a day either.”

“Don’t be so hard done by, do you remember your vacation to the Caribbean with the wonderful first girlfriend of yours?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you ever let her go? No need to answer I know it was in the pursuit of cheap thrills. She is doing amazingly by the way, the best thing you did was let her go.”

He may be my supplier and pseudo employer but that doesn’t mean I had to respect his opinion. He continued.

“I don’t mean to expose old wounds, not the moral of the story. I only wanted to say, you nearly died due to the paltry resilience of your stomach.”

“I recall.”

“So even by doctors in a country you didn’t respect. You were saved. Which leads me to the infection they gave you due to their poor hygiene. So you see cleanliness is next to god.” With a frigid Change in tone he spat out. “Because in my day they would have sawed that arm right off, while you watched in horror… and I would have taken you right then.”

His appealing appearance did little to lessen the sadistic pleasure he gained from that thought. The pressure of his threat left me frozen.

“Anyways, enough of that.” Somehow the calming tone with which he said that only further intensified his suffocating presence. He continued. “Off to work.”

Without another word he began his saunter down the long hallway accompanied by the ominous click clack of his designer shoes. Instinctually I fell in behind his lead but didn’t dare speak a word just yet.

“Why so somber Elliot? Did the reality of my words intimidate you?”

It had been a while since anyone spoke my name, the comfort of being recognized almost alleviated the oppressive nature of his presence.

“I guess so.”

“Well my good fellow, you’re going to need to harden your mettle because you’re going to be faced with much more concrete and consequential suffering in this line of work.”