Before It Ends

When we are children everything seems to have a conspiracy or scary story around it. We make up stories of the things that go bump in the night. We have such a naïve side that we often believe the stories we tell, exaggerating them more each time they are shared with our friends. Sometimes we make up stories based on bits and pieces that we hear the adults around us talking about, and other times we take actions based on those bits and pieces, not realizing what a mistake that can be.

Not until it's too late.

I recall the first time I heard my mother speaking of the evil that haunted our family. I was only 9 years old. She was speaking to one of my Aunts about it. They were speaking in such hushed tones trying to keep me from hearing what they were saying. I was a nosey child though. I snuck nearby so that I would be able to make out pieces of their conversation.

"It came to me again last night. This was the first time in over a year. I don't know why it's back."

My mother said, as she took long, deep hits from her cigarette, her hands shaking from fear.

"Maybe it came to you because Renee sent it to you when she died. Maybe she's still angry at you for keeping the girls away from her those last days of her life."

My Aunt said back in a snide tone with clear intent to make my mom feel guilty over her decision.

"You know what? Screw you Mina! I'm not the only one that messed up when it came to our sister! You were the one who disinvited her to your own wedding, so maybe she'll be sending the shadow to you next!"

My mother said in a harsh whisper as she walked away from my Aunt, wiping tears from her face as she tried to hide them from me.

"The shadow?"

I thought to myself, wondering what this shadow was that they were so upset over seeing as I looked down innocently at my own shadow on the ground. This was not the last time that I heard my family members bring up this "shadow", but all it took was hearing it this time for my curiosity to take me down a road that I would forever regret.

Later that day, I started snooping around in my mom's room while she was out getting groceries. I found the dairy she kept since being told by her therapist that it would help her deal with past traumas that she was still struggling with. I was hoping that maybe I would find something in it about this shadow - and I did. My mom wrote several entries about the shadow, the times it came to her, what it felt like, and the theories about what it was.

"The shadow came to me again last night. It keeps coming to me, and I don't know how much longer I can fight it off. It keeps trying to pull me under the bed. I'm scared to think about what is down there, where it will take me if it succeeds in pulling me under. I don't know why it keeps coming to me."

The words written in the diary sent chills down my spine as I continued to read through the pages, getting pulled deeper and deeper into this horror haunting my family.

"I think my sister Renee sent it to me, I think she cursed me just before she died. I think she cursed our whole family. She wanted to punish us for hurting her, for everything we did that caused her to suffer and left her to die alone, feeling unwanted. I regret not letting my girls see her before she died, but I was scared of the darkness inside of her, I had to protect my kids, that's all I was doing. Now I am being punished and will need to fight against the shadow for as long as I can to keep protecting them. I just wish I knew what made it come to me at certain times and not others. I wish I knew where Renee's book was buried at in the yard, maybe it would have a way to break the curse."

I wanted to keep reading more but I heard my mom get home and come into the house. I ran out of her room and went into my bedroom. I grabbed a book and climbed onto my bed trying to process what I read. In my mind, the words I had read in my mother's diary kept replaying in my head as I struggled to make sense of it all.

What book?

Why would my Aunt Renee have cursed the family?

Why did my mom lie and tell me that Aunt Renee wasn't feeling well when I asked to see her before she died?

Why did she feel she had to protect me from my Aunt?

My mom came up to my room and walked inside as I was pretending to read, she told me dinner would be ready soon and I just nodded at her, unsure of what to say in that moment. I remained silent through dinner, but so was my mother, both of us just lost in our own thoughts while we picked at the food on our plates. After dinner, I went up to do my homework before bed, but the thoughts of everything still lingered through my mind, distracting me from my work. I did not even realize that I was writing anything until the loud knock on my bedroom door startled me.

“Sage, Honey? Are you still working on homework? It's past bedtime.”

My mom said as she peeked in through the bedroom door at me, breaking me out of the trance I apparently was in.

“Huh? Oh, yea... sorry mom, I think I dozed off sitting here. I'm done, I'm going to bed.”

I said as I started to close my books and put things away.

“Okay Honey, get some sleep. I love you, goodnight.”

My mom answered as she left the door cracked opened and went back into the living room.

As I was gathering up my homework, I went to pick up the paper I was working on and realized that I had written “I'm still here” over and over again. I didn't even remember writing anything, and I did not know what that even meant. I ripped up the paper and threw it in my trash can, then quickly got changed and ready for bed while trying to ignore the oddity that had just occurred.

It would be several years before I allowed myself to think of the shadow again or what happened that night. I just ignored the thoughts that lingered and acted like nothing had ever happened. I was 16 years old when the subject of the “shadow” and my Aunt Renee came up again unexpectedly from my mother. It was the weekend, and I woke up early to watch television when I heard quick, loud steps coming down the stairs in a hurry. I sat up and saw my mom, she was pale as a ghost and had a sweat dripping down her face.

“SAGE! SAGE! Has it come to you?? Has it hurt you??”

My mom frantically screamed as she ran towards me, grabbing me firmly by my arms, fear etched across her face.

“What? Who mom?? What's going on??”

I asked in a panic as I felt her grip tightening so much on my arms it was hurting me as I tried to get her to let me go.

“THE SHADOW!! DID IT COME TO YOU??”

She screamed again as tears and sweat streamed down her sullen and pale face.

“Mom... MOM listen to me! You're hurting me! I don't know what you are talking about! Please, calm down!”

I cried out as I tried to stand up and pull away from her excruciating grip, until finally she let me go as she stood there looking at me, breathing heavily.

“I... I'm sorry Honey... I just... I'm sorry... It's ok...”

She said to me as she fumbled with her hands and hair back and forth incessantly then turned to walk away.

“Wait! Mom! Tell me what is going on?? Who is the shadow? Why are you freaking out??”

I said while reaching for her arm to try to get her to turn and talk to me.

“No... no Sage, it's fine, I just... I had a bad dream... that's... that's all... I'm fine Honey... fine just... forget everything I said, ok?”

She said to me as she forced a smile and caressed my cheek, but I knew it wasn't just a bad dream by the way her hands were shaking as she touched my cheek.

She turned and walked away heading back upstairs as I stood there frightened, wondering what the truth about the “shadow” was, especially after the way my mom freaked out. I didn't know what happened to her upstairs, but I knew that my whole life, I had never seen her so fucking freaked out like that.

The sheer panic in her voice echoed through my mind as I sat back down and tried to forget about everything, but I couldn't. After about an hour, my mom hadn't come back downstairs, so I went upstairs to check on her. It was silent as I slowly walked up each step, the closer I got to my mom's room, the more fear washed over me. Her door was cracked open as I stood outside of it for a moment and called to her.

“Mom?”

I waited for a moment, but she didn't answer.

I pushed the door open slowly and went inside...

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