1/0: Entries from the End Times

When the eagle alighted from my temples, the staleness in the air and the emptiness in my stomach struck me like a macuahuitl to the gut.

“Aihan, you awake?” I whispered instinctively, before my vision lost its blur and my eyes settled on the iron bed where she should’ve been. “Aihan, where are you? Where’d you go –”

Right, I told her to go.

If that hurt, I couldn’t feel it. I had too much pain already circulating through my system. I rolled onto my side, still stabbing with soreness from sleeping on an iron mattress. My skin stuck to the metal. When I peeled myself off it, I squeezed my eyes shut, fearing that if I opened them, I would find myself looking like Xipe Totec, all muscle, sinew, and blood with bits of bone breaking through my flesh.

The steel-tipped toe of my boot bumped against a book. Not an iron one. Leather-bound. Worn. Buckled closed.

I gently lifted it from the floor, unclasped it, and flipped through the pages.

1/Pig

Today was a good day.

The owls attacked the cottage since I came across it and locked myself in. It’s stocked with supplies. Non-perishable foods. Drinkable water. And this journal. I ate a salad from smoked bean curd, lettuce, vinegar, and red pepper. I took a nap. I took my first bath after forty days of wandering through the wilderness. It’s like I’ve been baptized again.

There’s an iguana.

There’s a pool with lotuses, water lilies, and orchids. The orchids are my favorite. One of them has a new stem with five new buds and it’s beautiful. My mother used to say that orchids symbolise beauty. I’ve thought about giving some to the girl I like, but she won’t reply to my pager, and she usually replies very soon. But I have faith that You will keep her alive. At least long enough for me to save her.

2/Pig

I got the urge, so I went on a walk. Not too far from the cottage, though. Just to water the orchids. Two of the bloods have begun to bloom. And they’re blue, just like the sky. Lord, thank You for the blue sky!

I tried to pick lotus roots, but that angered the iguana. It has this crust around its snout that sparkles under the stars, hundreds of little diamonds of mucus. It’s disgusting. It’s incredible. I had no idea I could swim that fast, ha-ha! I wish we could go back to the Garden of Eden, where we can all get along.

3/Pig

Today was a bad day.

She replied to my message, and I jumped the gun. I told her how I felt about her and how I shouldn’t feel that way because it’s a sin.

She said Amen.

She told me that God gives everyone a test and maybe this is mine. That I have to resist this. That I shouldn’t let myself love her. Love anyone that isn’t a man. And by man, she means a real man. I didn’t have to ask her to explain what she meant by that. She says she loves me and that You love me.

I don’t believe her and I don’t believe You. I can’t believe she’d say that shit to me. I thought we were friends. I gave her my heart and she didn’t just throw it away. She said I should throw it away because no one else will want it. And even if I do meet a man, will he love me if he knows I like girls? The sun went down on my indignation. Not at her, just at myself. I should’ve just kept my stupid mouth shut, or my thumbs still.

I tried to trim the orchids, but I accidentally cut off the stem and all the buds.

It was beautiful and I broke it.

4/Pig

I don’t know why I did it.

That’s a lie, I know why I did it. I had lightning in my inner thigh and I had to let it out, or it would kill me. I think that’s why hitting myself and scratching myself wasn’t enough. I didn’t let it out.

I ask that You not be angry at Your servant. Please cleanse my conscience, that I would be a sanctified vessel, holy as You are holy, an unblemished lamb, a single-sighed turtledove. I thank You for dying on the cross for me. I’m sorry You had to die on the cross for me.

My hand crept up my throat and sealed itself over my stupid mouth, the crucifix with which she’d crowned me becoming one with my chest through the veil of tears blazing in my ducts. Like they did whenever my mom sliced hundreds of onions, so she could pickle them for later. When she used to cook with my dad.

The two-headed dog yawned nervously.

Why didn’t she tell me?

Oh God, why didn’t she tell me?

5/Pig

Today was a good day.

My first cut is healing, so I did it again on my other thigh.

The first time I did it I felt sick, but better than before I did it. This time, I just didn’t feel, and it’s better than the first time. I’m trying not to think about how much better I would feel if I bled, but I can’t look at the orchids because whenever I think about those buds I want to do worse than cut myself.

I ask that You not be angry at Your servant. Please cleanse my conscience, that I would be a sanctified vessel, holy as You are holy, an unblemished lamb, a single-sighed turtledove. I thank You for dying on the cross for me. I’m sorry You had to die on the cross for me.

6/Pig

I did it again.

I ask that You not be angry at Your servant. Please cleanse my conscience, that I would be a sanctified vessel, holy as You are holy, an unblemished lamb, a single-sighed turtledove. I thank You for dying on the cross for me. I’m sorry You had to die on the cross for me.

7/Pig

I did it again.

It’s not enough.

All the blood in my body isn’t enough.

All the blood in Your body isn’t enough.

8/Pig

Am I going to hell?

Please, I don’t want to go to hell.

I want to see my mother and father again.

Do you think they’ll want to see me again?

Send me a sign.

Oh God. Please God, don’t send me a sign.

How do you know they’ll let you in? My own voice, cold as the snow as white as the crushed coca leaf, echoed through my vena cava.

“You asshole,” I croaked at myself, burying my wet face into my palms, rocking back and forth on my iron bed, peeking at her empty iron bed through my fingers, which clawed at my cheeks. “You fucking asshole, how could you have said that to her?”

9/Pig

Here is my grocery list for my last supper tonight.

• Ketchup
• Rice vinegar
• Sugar
• Soy sauce
• Sweet potato starch
• Eggs
• Salt
• White pepper
• Peanut oil
• Oysters
• Scallion
• Celery leaves

Get it? Last supper?

I know it’s wrong, I know I’m going to hell. I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand this anymore. I figure if I’m going to hell, I might as well go out eating oyster omelettes. I miss my mom’s oyster omelettes. I miss my mom. I wish I didn’t miss my mom, because she probably won’t miss me. My dad definitely won’t.

This’ll be my last prayer, too.

Send someone to me.

Send someone who won’t say they love me.

Send me someone who will really love me.

Why didn’t she tell me she had gone this low, so I wouldn’t dare to throw her into this pit? Not that I couldn’t not blame myself for bringing her lower. That didn’t matter to me. None of it mattered. I would dig, dirty my nails until they were ground into dust, rip my own rib from my body if it would convince her Christ to undo what I did. Whether He could recreate her or not. Whether she would forgive me. Even if she didn’t. I would dig deep.

I rolled out of bed, dropped her journal, and picked up her journal. I dropped her journal again. I picked it up again. Two years of total radio silence and someone picked up their pager, too. I was her sign. Two years of total radio silence and I was her sign. I was her sign. I was her sign.

I fumbled for my boxers, fastened the bulletproof vest I’d permanently borrowed from a cop currently resting in literal pieces, jumped into my jeans, threw on my tattered t-shirt, slung my leather jacket over my shoulder, stomped into my steel-toed boots, tugged on my fingerless gloves, slipped on my brass knuckles, and loaded a new clip into the magazine of my MP5 submachine gun.

I checked the location of her pager. Not within walking distance. Of course, she wasn’t within walking distance. I’d tossed her the keys to the car. I stumbled through our bunker and reached for the reinforced steel doors.

The starlight obliterated my eyeballs. I grasped for my sunglasses. They weren’t there. I glared into the fiery sliver between the tarnished gates, the only barrier between me and the incomprehensible mess of a world that awaited me on the other side, anyway. Even if I went blind, it would be worth it. For <participant id=1>. More than a friend, but a friend first. I drew in a deep breath, batted at the screeching eagle, patted the two-headed dog between the ears, and strode straight into what I knew would be a fresh hell.