Veronika Decides To Die

It has been several years, perhaps a decade when I read this book. A young girl, Veronika, feels like the world is a wasteland. She has a pessimistic view of human nature and feels life is meaningless. She is from Slovenia and sees life as a chore. One day she overdoses on sleeping pills in order to let herself die peacefully in sleep. Upon waking, she finds herself in a mental hospital. The doctor tells her that from the drugs she has sustained necrosis in her heart and has little time to live. She is shocked at the news and she realizes that very soon she will never wake again.

In the mental hospital she befriends a man with Schizophrenia-Edward. Edward loves hearing her play the piano. They form a bond and start to explore life within the hospital. Veronika starts to have a change of heart about life. She now struggles to realize what she did. She prays for her health. However, she does not die in the book. The doctors saw her as a case of a person who needed a different type of persuasion to realize that no matter how hard life is, it is a blessing. They gave her a fake prognosis to reform her views of life.

As a young child I had thoughts of suicide. I can date that back to age 4. I have a development disorder and a fraternal twin who never had any ailments. Growing up I was always punished for being different. Because of my anxiety, I had to be medicated at the age of 10. My studies suffered and later I had sensory meltdowns. At the age of 9, my sister was being treated for Osteomyelitis. She was treated at home with IV therapy and injections. While nobody knew, I secretly had an idea of injecting myself in the Jugular with bleach. I was considered stupid and back in the 90's nobody would believe a child capable of this.

I was saved by distracting myself with hockey. I never really thought of other people how they would feel. I felt my family hated me and I had no friends. However at the age of 20 I met a lifelong friend, Tyler. Tyler gave me reason to believe somebody cared about me. I started to see the world differently. I am neuro divergent and my perception of the world is different, however sometimes I realize that you have to hit rock bottom to find meaning. If I had committed suicide, I would not be able to be on my quest that I am on right now with studying Nutrition and Psychology to help out as a volunteer peer support worker. Like Veronika, I had to feel the end to see the start. Sometimes the finish line is the new start.